Bury my lovely

Goodbye, Blogspot.

2009-06-25T11:15:00.002-05:00

Find my new writing home at jazzfiend1000.wordpress.com.

Please be warned- if you don't like negativity, harsh words, or just plain rantings, then don't read. I DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, want comments telling me that "everything is okay", or "do you need to talk?". This is a new blog dealing with different experiences than this blog, so please, just deal!

That is all. See you on wordpress!

Winning the Battle of the Bulge

2009-03-24T10:50:00.002-05:00

Date started Weight Watchers: January 7, 2009

Weight loss to date: 7.4 pounds

I thought today, as I stepped on the scale at weigh-in, about my progress on Weight Watchers this time. When I did WW in 2002-2003, I lost 20 pounds to be slim for my wedding. Which I was. And then slowly over the years since, I put all of it back on. I got comfortable. I got lazy. Or busy.

So when I stepped up there today and saw I had only lost 0.8, I was a little disappointed. But then I realized something that caught me at the grocery store last week.

I like to think of my weight loss in terms of food. Like "how many cans of soda have I lost?" or "how many steaks have I lost?".

In that respect, I've lost 30 sticks of butter.

Go to the grocery store and pick up a five pound bag of potatoes. Add 2.4 pounds to THAT. That's a lot of extra stuff to be carrying around on your body. And I'm glad to be rid of it.

I'm now in the gym 6 days a week. For real. I take Tuesdays off, as it's my weigh-in day, and I just give myself a little break.

I'm also back at Pilates, and hopefully, when summer comes, Rob and I will be back in a yoga class.

I don't drink alcohol, or regular soda anymore. I don't snack at parties (unless I'm REALLY hungry). I choose wisely when we dine out.

The big differences are in the way I look and feel. I can always tell I'm losing weight because my knees and wrists become much more bony again. My thighs have lost most of the cellulite that clung to them. I've dropped a pant size. My waist is getting tiny, and my face is looking slim. The best part, I feel great.

Why haven't I'd been this good to myself in the past?

Acceptance

2009-03-13T11:14:00.002-05:00

Hello, gentle reader.

It's been too long since I've written. But honestly, I haven't felt much like writing.

The winter included some very dark months for me, literally and figuratively. I wasn't myself, from about November until February, when I slowly started to come out of my cocoon of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Weight Watchers, visits to Lucia, and 5x/week visits to the gym have helped to clear my mind and allow me to function in the world again.

If you will allow me to get personal, I will inform you that the general malaise over the past months is because of our inability to conceive a baby. I was tired of every woman I know conceiving and not me. So, I disappeared from the world for a while. I sat many nights at home, alone (Rob was at school), thinking about our predicament, not speaking to anyone for months. Fielding negative thoughts (they were many in number) and trying to get around the inevitable question..."What if we CAN NOT conceive?"

I decided to no longer be a victim of my own negativity. I called my doctor. She is a WONDERFUL doctor. For the first time in my life, I feel that I have a physician who actually listens to my concerns, doesn't interrupt with her thoughts, and generally cares about my well-being. Plus, having gold-plated health care does help.

Rob and I went to see her together, and she promptly referred us to Dr. Figge, the leading fertility specialist in town. Our appointment is Tuesday afternoon, and I am anxiously awaiting this visit.

For once, I finally feel that we are getting somewhere. That there are answers to questions I've been going over and over for 18 months. There are so many factors as to why we may not be conceiving. He will address them, test us both beyond our wildest imaginations, and then... we'll just know.

I mentioned our gold-plated health care. I don't exaggerate. Augustana greatly cares for their employees and their families. We have found out that our insurance will cover (after the deductible) 4 retrievals of eggs, and 6 treatments of In-vitro. Which, in case you didn't know, is HUGE.

And then, if it turns out I don't even make eggs... then we call the adoption lawyers.

There is a bit of freedom, in knowing all of this. As if we are no longer in charge of our own destiny. I've never been one to believe in a higher spiritual power, and have always trusted science over anything else. But I'm finally getting to a point where I can just accept it. I know I will be a mom. I greatly would like to have the experience of pregnancy. However, if that is not in the cards for me... well... then I'll just deal.

House Painting Project #4

2009-02-21T17:05:00.003-06:00

The Voice Studio before-

And after!

I can't wait to teach in it this week!!

Inspired

2009-02-17T21:58:00.002-06:00

You will never know.
Not how many countless nights I waited for your call.
How many pages and pens wrote for you.
How I spent years wondering what would've happened had we had just one chance.
I dreamt of you.
Feel the blush on my skin when you are near.
Feel as young as I was.
Wonder what life would be like had you never invaded my youth.
Years spent pining for the boy who could never see truth.
_______________________________________________

I want to know you.
Feel the drunk power of your beauty.
Taste the wine on your lips.
And feel the soft silence of our union.
Birth the passion we once knew.
The silence holds you, deep in the light, close.
Alone.
So much pain, you hold close to you.
Yet it's not who you are.
In the heat, I feel your glow.
Understand your presence and know
exactly how long you've wanted to show
the nature of your true self.
Deeply wanting and knowing me.
_______________________________________

Back to Earth,
I must come.
Because thinking of you,
my feet lose the ground,
and I am in a place no one can touch.
A place where I am at one,
at peace, tranquil and so right.
Luminate the world, you do, with one smile,
or sound, or touch of your hand and I
am lost within your walls.
I escape, break free of a world
where boundaries exist, and you
are always there. With those eyes.
Dressed in black, just as I remember you.
But soon, the darkness recedes.
My feet touch the ground.
You are gone.

Battle of the Bulge- Part II

2009-02-10T16:08:00.002-06:00

Greetings friends. For those loyal to Bury my Lovely, most of you know of my awful moods as of late. While I've been in therapy for a few weeks, I knew something else had to change. I then saw a photo of me posted on my friend Melissa's Facebook page, and was shocked at how CHUBBY I looked. "That can't be!", I thought. "How in the world have I gotten so...large?"

In the fall of 2002 and spring of 2003, Rob and I were members of Weight Watchers. We had just moved to Cincinnati and were about to get married in the fall of 2003. Neither of us wanted to be chubby for our wedding day. I dropped 20 pounds, and Rob dropped 40. We looked great. We felt great. And we looked sharp on our wedding day.

And of course, since September 6, 2003, we have put back on a few pounds. I toyed with 8 pounds for about 5 years. Then I started my own theatre company and bought a house all in 3 months. All 20 pounds I took off those years ago have been put back on my body. Late nights drinking Off the Rail and eating melanges at the Blue Cat probably did me in last summer.

Recently, I stepped back on the scale and gasped that I had put every single pound back on that I took off in 2003. It just snuck up on me. And that, my friends, is what made me realize I needed to do something about it.

This past fall, Rob joined WW through Augustana, and has dropped 15 pounds so far. He looks so much better, and says he feels great, too. So last week, I joined up again, determined that I was to be chubby no longer. Today was my weigh-in, and I lost 3 pounds this week!

I already feel better physically. I work out 4-5 times a week at RIFAC, and have been sticking to the plan. I'll admit, I was REALLY hungry last week. But after day 6 or so, your body just starts getting used to the way you eat. I'm no longer hungry, and am satisfied to eat the proper portions and lower-fat options.

However, the best part about all of this is that I'm starting to feel better emotionally, too. When I get to my top weight, I notice I just feel terrible. But now, even after only 3 pounds, I feel more focused. I have more energy. And I'm happier. Who woulda thought?

And to think, I'm only 15 pounds away from my size 8's. I can do it!

Anonymous strikes again!

2009-01-27T14:20:00.003-06:00

Just recieved this little gem in my inbox in response to my previous post...

"Did you ever think that Jesus might be blocking your pregnancy because he knows that you having a child would take all of the attention away from you? Something that would appear impossible for you to deal with. Some of us really want to be moms... Some people want to be pregnant so the world will lump more attention on them."

First off, Anonymous, only cowards and fools can't come clean and tell someone off with their real name. Second, I have Statcounter on my blog, so I know WHO you are and WHERE you're writing from (P&G sure employs some assholes these days).

Lastly, your logic is backward and contrary to itself. If you read this blog, or know me at all, you would know I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in any higher spiritual power. Jesus was a man, a carpenter, and I doubt he has any qualms with whether or not I have a child. He's dead. Also, your sentence reads that Jesus DOESN'T want me to have a baby because he WANTS me to have more attention. Is that what you're saying? Or that having a baby will take all the attention off of me? Of course it would! I could give two shits whether or not more 'attention is lumped' on me. All I want is to be a mother. And how in the world does my happiness at having a child have ANYTHING to do with you? Obviously you don't know me at all.

If you'd like to continue this conversation like a grown-up, I'll be waiting. Meanwhile you can hide behind an anonymous moniker knowing that I'm watching every move you make.

Have a nice day.

The Devil you know.

2009-01-25T19:24:00.002-06:00

Met with Lucia (my therapist) on Friday afternoon after a long hiatus.

You, dear reader, know of my general malaise as of late. When I described my frustrations and sadness, she asked me general medical questions, which, I'm sure, she is required to do by law.

She asked, first, what was going on. I immediately burst into tears. I told her of my frustrations at the fact that I was not yet pregnant, and that my old friend Lesley was. Here, a woman with menstrual problems her entire adolescent and adult life, now expecting. I try to so hard to understand, yet it is so random. Why can a person weighing nearly 400 pounds, chain-smoke Lucky's, and practically shoot heroin through their eyes get pregnant, and I can't? I often feel that the universe is just laughing at me. Les is pregnant, my massage therapist is pregnant, lots of Facebook friends are pregnant, and to top it all off, 6 out of 8 mothers in my Kindermusik class: pregnant. Maybe I'm just more susceptible to it all.

Anyway, I said that I was so very happy for Les, for Mel (massage therapist). But the sadness outweighs the happiness for them. Because I'm sad for myself. I want it to be me. How can I lie and not say that?

Lucia asked me pointed questions about how I was sleeping (shitty), concentrating (worse), and motivation (in the bowels of Hell). She looked at me with hooded eyes and said "You know where I'm going with this, don't you?".

"Of course," I say. "I'm depressed".

And of course, I knew I was. Am. But it's different this time. When I was diagnosed in 2001 with depression, I could barely get out of bed. I would lay in bed for hours, just weeping at the misery I felt. This time, it's more like just a bad mood. Like I've had PMS since October. Flustered, exhausted, anxious, pissed, low self-esteem, unmotivated. She calls what I have dysthimia, which is a "low-grade depression". And that is exactly what it feels like. Just sort-of...off.

She asked of my anxiety. I said it was more energy. That I felt without a purpose. (Of course what sucks is that I'm so ready with the purpose of being a mom, but that will change) She said "it sounds like you're missing out on something. You need purpose to thrive. You need your creativity to live". But without motivation, I sit at home and do nothing. I long for Spring, when I can get out to take photos without fear of hypothermia. To garden. To walk my dogs. Lucia says I need an outlet for my creativity, which I knew, but it always somehow means more coming from her.

She gave me four assignments to do before I see her again next week. I won't share them with you. For my eyes only.

The weekend felt different, after seeing her. Because now I knew what I was dealing with. For months, I read these books. Self-help books. Which, in my opinion, are just trash. I tried reading Power of Now (sorry Petra, I couldn't understand it). I tried the Law of Attraction (sorry Dana, when you're in a foul mood to begin with, it just doesn't cut it). And I kept saying to myself "why in Sam Hell can't I pull myself out of this?". Well, it turns out there is a little chemical imbalance going on up top. Which may be why there isn't any action going on in the underbelly. However, Lucia feels if I continue to work on the things I'm doing, I won't need anti-depressants. I think she is right. It doesn't feel like that anyways.

And now I know. I've dealt with twice before. And I beat it. And I will do it again.

Just things...

2009-01-17T13:54:00.003-06:00

I've stayed away from the blog for a while. I haven't wanted to write much as of late, which has bothered me. While in Texas, I had a conversation with Cathy (Dad's wife), who mentioned that she used to read my blog, but has since stopped because she didn't like what she read.

It confuses me, a touch. What she said was that she didn't like reading it because I said hurtful things about people. It really got me thinking about the content on this blog. I felt saddened that I may have hurt her or my father by what is written on this little space of the Internet. While I realize I am quite blunt when I write it, my intent is never to hurt anyone. Most times I'm writing, it's because I'm catching up the loved ones in my life as to what has been happening in my corner of the world; or to vent my frustrations about the QC artistic community, people who upset me, or just whatever is on my mind.

It recalls a post back in October when my family was in visiting from Texas. Most times, when my Dad and Cathy are in town, Rob and I will spend time with them, which means we also must spend time with my fathers sister, my aunt.

It's interesting, the dynamic I have with this woman. While I understand my father and stepmother have one experience with her, the experience I have with her is not the same. She has spent the last 10 or so years making me feel inadequate for many reasons. Some that come to mind are berating me for moving-in with my boyfriend, and quite possibly, having pre-marital sex (which, yes, of course we did. We lived together for 3 years before we got married). Asking my mother, AT OUR WEDDING, if the ceremony "counted" because there was no mention of any higher, spiritual power. And then, this past October, telling me that 28 is old for having a baby (meanwhile, I'm 31). This last comment actually hurt me. Most of the passive-aggressive things she says I try to blow off and ignore because they are small and unintelligible. But this little gem came out of her mouth, prime at the time when Rob and I are trying as hard as we can to conceive, and unable to do so.

I don't think she understands how things sound coming out of her mouth. She appears not to think about what she says before she says them. I don't want to assume (something I'm working VERY hard on), but she doesn't seem to be a happy woman. And if that is the case, I feel sorry for her. But she's like the little kid on the playground, who is bullied by the big kid, so he bullies a kid smaller than him so he can feel better about himself.

It's something I struggle with, whenever Dad and Cathy come to town. I don't mind spending time with my two uncle Jim's (one is her husband, the other her and my Dad's brother). Both men are kind, funny, and pleasant to be with. But in the end, what it comes down to is I just don't like the woman.

Now. This may be what Cathy was talking about. Might not be. But I also feel, since it's my blog, that it's also my prerogative to like or dislike whomever I want.

I'm back seeing Lucia (my therapist) again. It's something I'm ready for and enjoy, because she helps so greatly to put into perspective what I cannot. She talks much about perception. That what I perceive (or assume) is usually not what is really happening. It's just my experience. While in Texas, I had many nice conversations with Cathy. Something she said to me still rings in my mind. I was telling her all the things I worked on in therapy last year. How I dealt with the things I went through in my childhood when it came to my Dad. I told her that I had accepted what happened (my Dad and Mom divorcing during the most important years of my development and how it made me who I was) all those years ago, and that I was okay with the relationship I had with my father. She then said to me something like once I could come to my Dad and say this that and the other to him, then I would REALLY accept it. And she walked away. And what I really wanted to say to her was "nope. That is your perception of what is okay or how I feel. Maybe that's what you'd like to have happen, but I'm okay with it NOT happening. That is what acceptance is". It just really showed me that neither one of them know me much at all. And I accept that, too.
_________________________________________________________

What I've been working on lately is the fact that I feel so blocked. That is the perfect word: blocked. I feel like there is this wall in front of me, and I can't put my finger on what it is. It's standing between me and personal freedom and happiness. It's been hanging around since the summer, which leads Lucia and I to believe that I didn't recover from the stress of this summer i.e., three productions in three months, making an offer on a house, closing, moving, etc.. Because whatever it is, it hinders me from living my best, most happy life. And I want that. But first, I must knock down the wall, and find what is on the other side.

This week, I've gotten in contact with two very old friends. Both are people I met while in college. One was a young lady in the music department at Clarke with me who has fallen on hard times. She has health problems and her life is not where she'd like it to be. I hope that we can connect again soon.
The second is a man I met in the summer of 1996. He was a wonderful friend to me for many years, and someone who I always had a troublesome romantic history with. Over the years, our timing was always just a bit off. Something was always in the way, and we never got together. It is, truly, one of my biggest regrets. Of course I would never, EVER trade my life with Rob for anything. He is the love of my life, and clearly understands who and what I am like no one ever could (and no one else would probably put up with my bullshit). He has taught me what real unconditional love is. But I also know, and am comfortable with, that there is a part of me that will always love this man from my past. That there will always been a connection between us that is misunderstood. And I like that it is misunderstood. Trying to understand would most likely ruin it.

Week in Review

2009-01-01T13:06:00.008-06:00

Tuesday, December 30

After arriving in the city around noon, we attempted to gain admission to Shedd Aquarium. For years, I've been wanting to see this amazing gem of Chicago. However, when we arrived, there was a line with a 2-hour wait! Due to the insane cold (and the fact that I had to pee from a double-tall Starbucks latte), we decided on The Field Museum instead, which was another Chicago institution I had yet to see in my 31 years.

Sue, the T-Rex at the Field Museum.

Around 4:30, we were a bit tired from all the walking and made our way to the Sheraton Towers, our residence for our only night in the city. Now when I booked this 4-star hotel on Hotwire.com a few months back, little did I know just how incredibly posh this hotel would be. After the nicest service from a Michelle Obama look-alike, we adjourned to the 26th floor and our room with an incredible view of the city. We dined at a lovely local pub called PJ Clarkes at the suggestion of our concierge, then walked down Mag Mile with a hot chocolate to keep us warm. We then got to experience the Apple Store, where we played Guitar Hero before returning to our room and promptly crashing after a long day.

Wednesday, December 31

We awoke to a beautiful, yet cold morning in the city. After breakfast and checking out, we adjourned down to Water Tower Place, where we were sticker-shocked at the insane prices on regular items you would find at any mall in the Midwest. We walked around Neiman-Marcus, where I drooled over $700 Manolo Blahniks (someday, I WILL own a pair of these. It's the Carrie Bradshaw in me) and was snubbed by salespeople who stared at my handbag and shoes to see if I was rich enough to shop in their store. We ended our tour of the city by heading up to the 94th floor of the John Hancock Building to take in the really cool multi-media tour of the Observatory.

We then headed out to O'Hare for our 6pm flight to Dallas. It was sort of eerie, driving out there, as there was hardly any traffic (cars going in to the city from O'Hare were backed up for miles) on the way to the airport. At a surprisingly dead O'Hare, we settled in for an hour or so by playing Mad Libs and eating McDonalds before our flight started boarding at 5:45pm. I don't think, ever in my life, that a plane started boarding 15 minutes early. We took off at 6:35pm, just 5 minutes after our scheduled departure time. I'm still amazed that a flight actually took-off when it was supposed to!
We flew on a beautiful 777, where each seat had its own personal in-flight on-demand tv with movies, tv shows, music stations and video games! I listened to 80's music while playing Solataire. Needless to say, it was a comfortable and fast 2 hour flight because of the amazing plane we were on!
We arrived at DFW 30 minutes early, where Cathy (my Dad's wife) met us at baggage claim. It was a beautiful 50 degree evening (a nice improvement from the 18 degree day we left in Illinois) in Texas, and we headed back to Dad and Cathy's house to freshen up before heading to a New Years Eve shindig down the street. A newly-married Tom and Melinda (engaged for 12 years!!) hosted us at their lovely home with their three adorable black labs Barney, Chance and Chief. We rang in the New Year nearly asleep, then headed back to the house to snuggle with my Dad and Cathy's five (count them, FIVE) dogs. Maggie the Golden, Max the mix-breed, Toby the black lab, Hannah the beautiful shepherd-mix, and Mo the little one.

Tom, Deb and Rob ringing in the New Year

Rob and Toby

Mo

Max

Thursday, January 1
New Years Day was spent doing nothing but sitting in our pajamas and watching TV. Enough said.

Friday, January 2
Rob and I headed north to Denton to visit Rob's favorite used bookstore, Recycled Books. We had lunch in a little diner on the square before heading back to North Richland Hills. That evening, Dad and Cathy took us to Chef Point Cafe, a gourmet restaurant housed inside a gas station. I'm not kidding! The restaurant was featured in Paula Deen's magazine, and a few days after we had dinner, the Food Network was due in to do a special in the amazing food found inside. Apparently, the chef wanted to open a restaurant but couldn't get the funding from the bank. He could, however, get the loan for a gas station. And thus, history was made. We ate amazing food in a gas station. Who would've thought...

Saturday, January 3
It was a beautiful, third day in a row in Texas, with sun and 75 degree temps. Rob and I headed down to Sundance Square in downtown Fort Worth, where we dined on sushi for dinner, before taking in the hilarious dueling piano show at Pete's Dueling Pianos.

Sunday, January 4

The day of all days... the visit to the infamous Babe's. Followers of this blog know full well of the wonder that is Babe's. All-you-can-eat family style fried chicken, taters, corn, biscuits. I'll let the picture say everything.

Monday, January 5
Our last full day in town was cold and rainy, so Rob and I headed out to Genghis Grill for lunch, then a day of window shopping before spending the evening with my sister Abby. We had an awesome visit, chatting about this and that. And captured a pic of the three of us, the first in probably 15 years.

Abby, Jake and I

Year in Review

2008-12-28T15:13:00.008-06:00

Writers block has plagued me as of late. As well as a host of bad moods. It has been a weird couple of weeks around our house, and because of that, I haven't wanted to write much of anything. But since it is about to be a new year, the bug has caught me, and off I go.

Since Thanksgiving, Rob worked ungodly hours, as he is teaching 10 credit hours this term (the usual is 6 or 7). Due to this, we hardly saw each other, which put a bit of a strain on the two of us. He was stressed, so I was stressed. Add stress plus stress, it wasn't a real pleasant place to be in our house for a few weeks. Then you add in the holidays, and it was nearly unbearable. This year, the holidays (for the first time) were felt as if they were endured rather than enjoyed. Such a horrible way to feel, but it was true for us this year. With the economy, our parents getting older, and Rob's car dying for some weird reason AND having to fly to New York in a snowstorm to pick the new piano for Augustana, the holidays were kinda shitty this year. We ate too much. The parties felt obligatory rather than festive. Plus another year without a baby. We're both feeling a little out of sorts. Hopefully, with the passing of this year, things will start to look up.

Things that made this year great:
The creation and productions of Riverbend Theatre Collective
RTC had a nice opening year, with a great success of our first show, Elegies- A Song Cycle

We were lucky enough to also be featured in last weeks QC Times Arts section with a nice article by David Burke.

The purchase of our first home

After years of renting, we finally became homeowners on August 29 of this year. From November of 2007 to March of 2008, we paid off ALL our debt, with the exception of our car payment, school loans, and our one credit-card each. Because of this, our credit ratings went through the roof. That combined with our secure incomes, we were able to purchase our adorable house in the hood. Each day I love it more. Lucky us, the sellers left the house in great condition, with many new upgrades and remodels. The only work we've done is painted the bathroom, dining and living rooms, and up next is the horrid burgandy mess of a studio.

Five Year Anniversary-

(Courtesy of Jan Scott Photography)

This year, Rob and I celebrated five years of marriage. I love this man more every day, and am so thankful he came into my life in the fall of 2000. We've had our rough patches, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. We wouldn't have the relationship we have now. And that is pretty wonderful.

One Year with Ike-

One of the best little dogs on the planet. Enough said.

Friends-
I wish I could put a zillion pics up of all of lovely friends. This year was a great year of meeting people and cultivating friendships with a lot of important people. I won't name them all. You know who you are.

Plans for 2009
Stop spending money on stupid crap- after buying a house, we did have to buy a lot of stuff to put in it. But the constant dining out needs to stop.
Learn to relax
Try to have a stress-less theatre season
Be good to myself- more exercise, less food, more yoga, more visits to see Lucia
Just keep swimming- As Dorie says in Finding Nemo, I need to just keep swimming when it comes to having a baby. It's something I desperately want in my life, to be a mother. But what I am trying to understand is that making a baby is a very delicate thing. I need to be a patient and know that when the time is right, it will happen.
Support Rob- Rob is struggling... with work, trying to make time for me, trying to make baby, and losing weight.

On Wednesday, Rob and I fly out to visit Dad and Cathy for a week. I am greatly looking forward to seeing my brother Jake (who I haven't seen in nearly 7 years) and my sister Abby, who I haven't seen in almost 4 years. We are both looking forward to having some down time with no responsibilities or obligations. Just time to relax, read, and spend time with my family.

Because I felt bad about adding Ike and not Maddy. My lovely, old girl.

Week in Review

2008-11-29T16:22:00.005-06:00

Yes, I baked these for Thanksgiving. Pumpkin, Pecan, and a Dark Chocolate Chip Cheesecake. All I'll say is that the pumpkin and pecan were not even touched.

We spent the holiday with Rob's family in Morrison this year, rather than go to Ridgecrest with my family again. Last years' festivities were more sad and depressing than joyful, and we both didn't really want to spend the holiday this way again. We had a very nice dinner with the Elflines. My only beef was that they didn't have cranberry in a can. You know, the kind with the ridges? That is my favorite.

On Friday, Rob and I indeed go shopping. However, it wasn't nearly as bad as we had thought it might be. We ended up at Best Buy, Wal-Mart and Target, and were pleasantly surprised at the lack of craziness. We did, however, splurge this year and buy ourselves a very nice Christmas tree. Since we have more than enough room for a tree this year, we decided we would be grown-ups and buy a nice one. It is, of course, artificial, but it looks just beautiful in our dining room. Rob picked the royal colors of gold and purple. You should see it at night. It's really breathtaking.

Since my last post, I've really had quite a nice week. After learning that I wasn't pregnant, and posting about it on both my blog and Facebook, I had a bit of an outpouring of comments and support from friends. One in particular mentioned I start reading books by spiritualist Eckhard Tolle, who has penned The Power of Now, Stillness Speaks, and A New Earth. Mr. Tolle talks much about living in the moment, and not allowing yourself to get caught up in the chatter of what comes next. It's been a real joy reading his books, and finding that I have the capability to turn off the mind when I need to. Because of this, I've had such a peaceful and lovely week. Yoga has also helped this. I practice every day now, and I am noticing how my body is changing. Rob and I had our last class with Jeani yesterday at DSY, but we did sign up for the next 6-week class that begins next Saturday. In addition, we get two weeks free unlimited classes with our first 6-week session. I'm planning on going at least twice this week.

In a random twist, I've recently received a message from an old college acquaintance on Facebook. I was presently surprised to find a message from her this past week, as it has been years since we've spoken. During my freshman year of college, we had become friends when I started getting more involved in the theatre program at Clarke. In the beginning of my sophomore year, I sort of went through an emotional breakdown of sorts. A crisis of conscience, if you will. At that time in my life, I wasn't really able to communicate (or really wanted to) what was happening in my life. When I decided that sticking to the music program was going to be my path, I think I alienated many people, including her. It was a strange time in my life, as I had also started dating a boy who ultimately turned out to be a gigantic mistake. As I grew into an adult and left Clarke, I did often wonder about her and where she landed. Turns out she is married and landed here in the QC with a brand-new baby. I am unsure what else she is doing these days, but she had mentioned to me that she is involved in Venus Envy with our mutual friend Melissa. It was really quite wonderful to receive her message, and I hope that we are able to continue in getting to know each other again.

Lastly, I picked up my recent B&W rolls from the Camera Corner this past week. Here is some photos from the Fall.

The goat at Niabi Zoo

Our nephew Enzo

Aiden, son of our friend Dawn.

Oliver and one of his moms, Abbey

Rob and the lorikeets

Oliver on the run

Norallene and Zoe the dog

Our niece Isabella and her daddy.

Dis-ease.

2008-11-22T10:11:00.003-06:00

When I first started this blog nearly 3 years ago, it was primarily for me. I stopped journaling (which was, largely, a mistake) and allowed this to take it's place. I used to write most days during the week. I posted thoughts, feelings, poems, pictures of what was happening in my life. I didn't care who in cyberspace could read it, because it was for me.

Then, last fall, when the blast-from-the-past/Anonymous poster reared her all-in-bad-taste head, I lost my nerve. Maybe that was what she was going for. To make me feel small, which, incidentally, was exactly what she and her friends did to most people in college, so I wasn't really surprised. However, anonymous poster doesn't check my blog much anymore or, really, at all. It made me realize that I shouldn't give a crap who reads what I write, or for that matter, their opinion on the things I do write. That's what blogs are for. To write about what is happening in personal lives. And I miss doing it. From now on, I write what I like. End of story.

I haven't been having the best couple of weeks. Since moving in, I've always felt a little "off". Like I should be doing something, but the something never comes. I feel uncomfortable, bored, lazy. My studio took a bit of a hit since moving, so the fall has been a bit slow. It is, however, starting to pick back up, with four new students added just in the last week, so I'm starting to feel better about that. I've been planning the 2009 theatre season, and I'm feeling pretty great about that, too. But there is still something that just doesn't feel right. It's as if I'm always waiting for the next big thing. Ideally, what I'd like to do is to begin living my life between the goals. Or, living in the moment. Which is something I used to be able to do. Even just last year. But for some reason, I've ceased to remember how. I started seeing Lucia again, my therapist. We talk about seeing everything in life as an experience, and being present to each one. Also, just being in the process. Last year, when I was dealing with all my (for lack of a better phrase) "Daddy Issues", I relished being in the process. I knew what was happening each and every moment, and I loved it, because I wasn't afraid to feel everything in that moment. Now, I get too caught up in the outcome. I think this past summer has a lot to do with it. The theatre season, as well as closing on the house. I was so nervous something would come along and fuck everything to Hell. In the end, it didn't, and all was well. Lucia seems to think that I didn't recover from all the stress over the months of May-September. Frankly, I think she is spot on. So now, we work on stress recovery and living in the moment. I am greatly looking forward to it.

Last night, I finally pulled out the journal. In the past, I used to write every night. Lately, it's far and few between when I actually get to it. However, something compelled me to write last night. I have a book of writing prompts. Just a simple line to prompt you into some train-of-thought writing. Last night's was about returning. I wrote for a few minutes, just letting the pen flow. Towards the middle, I started writing about how I wished to return to "my art". My brain seemed to know what my hand wanted to do. When I finished, I realized what I wished I could return to. And that is performing. Being a performer is just a part of who I am, and have and will always be. I mentioned in my previous post that I haven't been cast in any shows here, and how it is upsetting. There aren't many other opportunities to perform here. I really enjoyed last winter, as Rob and I were contracted for lots of gigs and had a blast. But I haven't performed since Elegies, and I'm really itchin' for something. It feels nice, though, to know what it is I'm missing.

I am now going to rant. Those of you who'd rather not read, then just stop.

A year ago, Rob and I decided we were ready to have a baby. Emotionally and physically, I was in the prime of my life, and very ready to make babies. Once the theatre season started, we very seriously never had sex. We were too busy or too tired or both. So we stopped trying. Now, we are settled in the house, and we've begun trying again. I know that it takes time. Nature is taking its course, and we need to be patient. However, I honestly thought I was pregnant this week. I was having symptoms that seemed very much like pregnancy, and it turned out not to be. I was devastated. I felt so stupid for thinking that there was a chance when, in reality, it was a wicked case of PMS. On one hand, my body may feel ready, as I've been "preparing the nest" so they say. No alcohol, exercise, eat right, take prenatal vitamins. I'm doing everything a woman should do. On the other, maybe baby knows I am in a weird place emotionally and that it shouldn't come yet until I figure some stuff out. This is supposed to be dangerously easy! Why is it so hard?!
And here is the kicker. I'm so tired of people saying to me that "it's okay". I'm tired of the advice. I'm tired of the universe kicking me while I'm down by showing me thousands of pregnant women or women with newborns,or ultrasound pictures or baby clothes or maternity shops (I know, how existential of me, right?). There are moments I just want people to stop talking to me about it. It's nobody's business to talk to me about my reproductive system, or my husbands. And frankly, I don't care if YOU get pregnant at the drop of a hat. So please, oh please, just don't mention it to me.

Today, I'm going to see the Twilight movie with an old pal I haven't seen in years. I am very much looking forward to it. And looking forward to seeing the movie. And tonight, dinner with D, who I miss very much!

Week(s) in Review

2008-11-14T10:19:00.002-06:00

Christ I'm a slacker. No, for real. And it's not like I have an excuse for not writing. I have none. All the time I could be sitting here at the computer, I'm doing other things. Like watching hours upon hours of The Office. I hate to say that, while I've always sort of liked the show, I never really watched it religiously like most fans. I bought Season One for myself for my birthday last month. Then, I came into a little early Christmas money and bought Season Two just last week. And now, I can't seem to get enough. And by that, I mean I can't get enough of John Krasinski. I'm probably a couple years behind the time of falling madly in love with him like most Office fans, but who cares. I didn't get into Supernatural until just before Season Three as well. I didn't start watching both Alias and Lost until the tail end of Season One. Ah. Who cares, right? The point is I'm a fan now. And Netflix has Season Three available in Instant Watch. Which I will probably do for the majority of the day today because Rob is in Morrison preparing for his gig with the Clinton Symphony tomorrow. Jim Halpert, it's you and me today, baby.

This week, Rob had his Fall Break from Augie. What really sucked is that the majority of break, he spent it at work anyway, practicing for his gig. I won't lie. I was kind of upset. But what can you do? I wish my husband were able to take some time off and RELAX, which he desperately needs.

In other news, I wasn't cast in the musical I auditioned for a few weeks back. Honestly, I was a bit upset. Just between you, me, and the entire blogging community. I think any strong singer would feel the same way, as this is Jason Robert Brown we are talking about, and not just anyone can sing his music. JRB's music requires not only nuiance, but stamina. My anonymous reader would probably take a moment here to bash me for being so full of myself, but honestly, I'm a trained musical theatre singer who knows her shit. And one of the girls (notice I say girl, not woman) that was cast, in my opinion, is WAY too young and doesn't have the MT chops to handle the role. This kind of stuff makes me miss Cincinnati desperately. In Nati, mediocrity is thrown to the wayside. Granted, there is more talent in Nati than here (not saying there isn't talent here, just more of it there!). But there isn't that political bullshit there like there is here. It's a bit ridiculous, really.
However, because I wasn't cast, Rob and I bought our tickets to Texas to see Dad, Cathy, Abby and Jake. It was probably a blessing in disguise, not getting cast, because now we get to spend a week with our family. And that is going to be great. In addition, we are heading to Chicago a day before we fly out of O'Hare to take in some museums, and hopefully see our friend Andrea, and possibly Keith.

We are also trying to plan a trip out to LA to see Ross and Christopher. They have lived there for years now, and we've yet to pay them a visit. Rob has never been to LA (it's been over 10 years since I've been), so it is definitely time to do so. If we're able to go, we hope to get down to San Diego for a day or two. I was lucky enough to spend some time there in college on Choir Tour, and it was a beautiful, lovely place. In addition, I may even get to see old friend Celeste, and finally get to meet my blogger friend, Anne Elisabeth. We shall see!

11-4-08

2008-11-05T10:43:00.003-06:00

I don't want to say cheesy things. Or things that are cliche. But something happened last night that the whole world is buzzing from. Not only did we see the first black man elected president, but we saw a GREAT man elected president.

I am a liberal. And I am proud of that. My parents raised me to be a free-thinker. Politics, religion, it doesn't matter. I am a liberal. I believe in the upholding of the Constitution. I believe that women should always have the right to choose what happens to their bodies. I believe in equality no matter your race, creed, sexual preference. I believe that women have just as many rights as men, and should be given as such. I believe that my two best friends, a same-sex couple, should have the rights that all heterosexual couples do. I believe in affordable health care for everyone, as for a time in my life, I paid out of pocket for my own insurance, and understand the burden it is on the working class. I believe in the Earth, and hope to see it improve over the years to come, instead of perish because of ignorant people who can't understand its power and beauty. I am a liberal. And I helped to elect Barack Obama.

Last night, we spent 3 hours with our closest friends, glued to the television in hopes of seeing the man who has not only inspired us in that room but a nation sick and tired of the religious Right policies of a failed administration. Every one of us in that room understood the magnitude of every mistake of the Bush administration, and could not for a minute see how our nation could elect into office the McCain/Palin team. When, at 10pm, the TV flashed "Obama is President-Elect", we all sat there, in awe and disbelief. Shocked, we said "What? For real?", and it was. We kissed, we hugged, we cried. A collective group of young professionals, moved to a point of absolute joy no one could explain or put into words. When President-elect Obama came to the stage with his wife and two daughters, the tears silently flowed from all of us, myself included. We all sat in silence, listening to him speak of how we as a nation did this. The man who has inspired hope, change, ideas, freedom in each and every Obama supporter, spoke and we listened as he thanked Joe Biden, his family, his wife, and of course, promising a new puppy to his two young daughters.

I hope the pride I feel as a liberal American feels the same to everyone who shared in as magnificent night as I did.

Amazing

2008-11-04T23:41:00.000-06:00

PRESIDENT OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Halloween 2008

2008-11-02T08:42:00.004-06:00

Pics from last night's party at Jake and Andy's house!

Scott from "V for Vendetta"

Can you guess what we are?

A very clean girl Erin

A stingy Jaci

Nosferatu!

A lovely group

Some random folks

!!!!!!!!

Bowie squared

Ann, Chris, Jill and Aaron

Andy and Arsh

Week in Review

2008-10-28T15:56:00.003-05:00

It has been an absolute gorgeous autumn in the Quad Cities this year. Last year, we had so much rain the trees never turned. This year, the trees are just gorgeous. Or maybe it's because we live in Rock Island now that we notice all the colors. We feel very lucky to see all the Fall colors this year that we didn't get last year!

This past weekend was a busy one. Friday night, Rob and I hosted 3 couples (8 people total) in our first ever dinner party. We cooked an amazing meal that everyone loved, and had a blast with friends old and new. Around 11pm, I started to turn into a pumpkin and everyone finally left. We can't wait to host another so we can get these wonderful people back in our house! Christmas party, here we come.

Saturday, Rob and I started our Intro to Hatha I yoga class at Davenport School of Yoga. I tried going last Spring, but I didn't know much about the poses and always felt as if I was looking at everyone else rather than practicing the asanas. Now, it's me and Rob and only a few other folks in the class, with our amazing teacher Jeani, this little Austrailian woman who is probably the most gentle person I've ever met. We both left feeling amazing, and can't wait for class again this coming weekend. In addition to my gym workouts, I've been practicing yoga every day this week, and already I feel great!

On Saturday afternoon, we celebrated our grandparents 70th (yes, 70 years!!!) anniversary at Ridgecrest Village, where they live. We had a lovely party room and many folks came to celebrate. My sister and Lou came down with the two kids, and we finally got to meet our niece, Isabella.

Isabella

Enzo

The best part of the day was watching Uncle Rob and Enzo playing garbage truck for at least an hour. By the end, both boys were exhausted.

This week, both of Rob's siblings are in town. Ross from LA and Ann from Tasmania. We are looking forward to spending more time with them during their visits!

Week in Review

2008-10-19T20:58:00.002-05:00

The big news of the week was that we finally painted the living room! After living with the dark, dismal green for 7 weeks, we decided to go with something a little more bright and warm. We tend toward the warm colors in this house- reds, browns, and now, yellow.

Before

Primed

Done!!

I call this the Panera Bread bathroom color. If you've ever been to a Panera Bread, you know what I'm talkin' bout. I love the warmth of this color, and it looks amazing next to the red dining room. We will, however, be finished with projects for a while. Next up? Getting rid of those horrifying colors in the studio.

Yesterday I had my first audition in about 6 months. The Green Room Theatre is staging a production of Jason Robert Brown's Songs for a New World in January, and I am hoping to be a part of it. I felt quite confident with my audition and singing from the score. Now all I gotta do is wait to hear!

This coming weekend, we are having a little dinner party and inviting some close friends, and some friends we'd like to get to know better. We are very excited for all of them to meet each other, and for us to host a lavish dinner. It's something we've been excited to do for years. Now that we finally have a beautiful dining room, the time has come!

This week, I'll spend some time grant writing, as deadlines are beginning to loom again. RTC can always use grants and donations, so it's time for me to put on my Producer hat and get to work.

The man

2008-10-15T20:26:00.001-05:00

In case you didn't know, I support and am voting for this man in the election...

I'm just sayin'...

Week(s) in Review

2008-10-13T11:55:00.001-05:00

After a long hiatus from seeing my Dad and Cathy, we had a nice visit with them while they were here last weekend. We ate way too much (which is the norm when they are here) and we even got to take them to the Blue Cat to show off our local hang-out. The only downfall of the weekend was having to spend time with extended family I don't care too much for. Being told that "28 is old for having a baby" and constantly being insulted with passive-aggressiveness is not my idea of fun. Seeing Dad and Cathy is always a positive experience when they come to the QC, when it's just the two of them.

Tomorrow I turn 31. To celebrate, Rob and I had a lovely weekend of travel and shopping. Saturday we drove down to Burlington to have dinner at Martini's Grille, a swanky place overlooking the Mississippi River. The drive down was beautiful with the midwestern trees finally turning their autumn colors. Burlington is a beautiful town on the bluff with old houses and railroad money. It reminded us both very much of Galena.

View from our table at Martini's

After eating so much we felt like we might puke or die, we rolled ourselves back into the car and drove home. Sunday, Rob took me to Best Buy to get my birthday present, my new iPod Shuffle.

It's so awesome! I spent two hours downloading 60 songs onto it last night, and still have room for 190 more. I took it to the gym today and I love using it. Rob wanted to get me the zatzie iPod Nano, or even the 2 GB Shuffle, but honestly the only time I ever use it is at the gym, so why in the world would I need something that holds that much information?

In addition to celebrating my birthday, we also celebrated one year with Ike. We went to the shelter to bring donations and brought him back with us to visit. They always go gaga over him and can't believe how good he looks and how social he is. It was a long row to hoe, after all his health problems last year, but he is now the healthiest, sweetest little guy and we are so happy he is in our lives

Ike one year ago.

Ike today

Happiness vs. Contentment

2008-10-02T11:08:00.002-05:00

My journey as of late has been one fraught with conflicting emotions. For months, I fretted over the house. Was everything going okay with our loan? When will we close? Will we have enough money to get through?

Once all of this came and went with no hiccups, I found myself in a new house, with an extreme amount of free time. With the economy a nightmare, the studio is down a few students. I kind of figured that might be the case. But honestly, teaching is my livelihood. Take it away from me and I'm completely lost. I enjoy being in the studio more than I can say, and now that I'm not in it as much, I'm finding myself becoming more and more discontent.

The work I did in therapy last year still sticks with me, and I still find myself quite happy. But I also find there are extreme differences between being happy and being content. I'd like to feel both, because contentment is seeming to elude me most days.

I am far from depressed. Bored is more like it. While there are a few projects I'd like to do around the house, they will have to wait for a month or so. I am planning the theatre season, and getting things done there, so that is helping.

However, the more time I have on my hands to think, the more I'm beginning to realize how much I want a baby. That little person has decided not to come yet, and that is okay. Biology needs to make an appearance and take over. What I'm tired of hearing from people is "just relax and it will happen". Frankly, this comment does nothing but piss me off. I'm sure there are women friends who read this blog who can understand. Once a woman decides she wants a child, she wants it NOW. I am no exception. Once I did the work in therapy last year, I finally realized I was ready for a baby. That my past/childhood was nothing but just that - in the past. I dealt with the demons that were holding me back for so long in getting to the point that I was ready to make that step with my amazing husband. I also realize that it has been a bit crazy these past months since April: Elegies, Kimberly, Bees, packing, closing, moving. All in 6 months. That is a lot of stuff. My body was probably making it so no little person could survive with the amount of stress going on in there. But there isn't much stress now. So come on, little person. We're ready.

In case you wanted to see some of the shots Rob and I had taken by Jan Scott, click here to access her blog. Just scroll down and you'll see some of shots! We ordered our prints and should get them in a week or so. Can't wait!

Week in Review

2008-09-28T10:27:00.003-05:00

After a week of mostly boredom, I finally did some research as to what I'd like to do with all this free time I seem to have. Of course, I'm planning the next season of theatre, and doing some early grant writing work (most aren't due until Spring), so that is keeping me somewhat busy. But I decided to find some things to do with my days that are monumentally free. This is what I've come up with-

- Start back up with yoga, Monday and Thursday mornings
- Work out EVERY day during the week (I go every day but Weds. now)
- Rob and I take a ballroom dance class (something I've wanted to do for EVER)
- Take an online non-profit management course
- Take an adult tap class
- Become an adult literacy tutor

There may be more to come, but I think this will be enough for now. Rob is looking into how I can audit classes at Augie. Since I'm spouse of a professor, I can take them for free. I'd really like to get into an anthropology class (maybe one with Adam!), an art class, or something else creative.

Last night, Rob and I headed up to Morrison to have our photos taken by Jan Scott of
Jan Scott Photography. She is a high school friend of Rob's who has recently become a professional photographer. Her work is just gorgeous, and we wanted to get some shots of us together since we don't have many. Here is just one of the hundreds she probably shot of us.

This week my Dad and Cathy get into town, and we are quite excited to see them, as it's been nearly two years since the last. I can't wait to show them the house!

Sunday morning, I'm wakin' up

2008-09-21T08:19:00.002-05:00

Rob is still asleep, the dogs have been outside to poop and pee and had their breakfast, and I'm sitting at the computer with my coffee. Kinda wish I was still sleeping, but I'm realizing as I get older, 1. I don't need as much sleep anymore, 2. I have to pee a lot in the middle of the night, and 3. I'm now a morning person, thanks to the skylights in the master suite. I don't mind it. I feel like a million bucks these days, and I go to bed earlier because I'm up early in the mornings.

The good news is that I'm finally ready to talk/think/see theatre again. It took me, what, 2 months? That's a good amount of time, I think. I needed to focus on getting our household moved, and I was so burnt out after the summer that I needed a break. But now feels like a good time. I've had much time to think, and to get to the heart of the matter. I know I made mistakes in my first season. Who wouldn't? The beauty is taking those mistakes and rearranging them to positives and what I could do better next season. There were also many positives that will carry on to seasons in the future. And the beauty? We've got a helluva season planned for next year. Four shows instead of three, and I WILL not be directing AND producing all of them. One of the things I realized this year is that I am only one person, and I cannot and WILL NOT do both at the same time. I just about lost my mind. While I know it's hard work, I also want to enjoy it, and frankly, I didn't this year. So things are going to change, and I hope it shows.

Last night, D and I finally got together after not seeing each other for an entire month. We had such a nice time, drinking cosmo's and having a bite at the Blue Cat. It made me realize how much I missed her friendship and the ease of our conversation. We gossiped, we laughed, and talked about the season premiere of our boys on Supernatural, which was last Thursday! It was a lovely evening.

Have been spending much time with Abbey and Anya, our friends who live just a block over. They are such wonderful ladies who love to share their life experiences and love to hear about mine. It's great to have girlfriends I can just call up or walk down and have coffee with any time. I just love them.

My Dad and Cathy will be making their way up from Texas to the QC in just two weeks. I'm thrilled to see them again, as the last time was Christmas of '06 on our way from O'Hare to Eureka. My Dad just had hip replacement surgery, so hopefully he'll be able to make his way around without getting too tired during their visit. I can't wait to show them our new house!

Week in Review

2008-09-16T15:07:00.005-05:00

Am still unsure whether or not we have a ghost in the house. Maddy hasn't gotten stuck in the bathroom since that last instance, and doors have kept open. Who knows?

Rob and I survived our first (somewhat minor) homeowners crisis, as after 4 straight days of rain, the basement flooded with 6 inches of standing water. Lucky for us, both the water heater and furnace stand in the middle of the floor, where water was barely seeping. With old houses like this, it is common to have a wet basement. Especially for us living under the water table level, and owning a house nearly 100 years old. The water is just about gone after it's been sunny the past few days. We are hoping it stays relatively dry enough until we can get a dehumidifier (sp?) down there to help a little. Spring will probably suck.

This weekend we had a lovely housewarming. Probably close to 40 people came and went on Saturday night, including old college pal Kevin, who came from Rochester and stayed too short a time.

Now the house is finished (for now!), am I finding myself at a loss for what to do. Sure I have Kindermusik and students, but I'm finding I have much free time. We are in a position where we are financially doing quite well, so there is no need for me to take on much more. But frankly, I'm sort of...bored. What do people do with their free time?

Some pics from the weekend...

Kev and his vice

The night just kept getting longer...

The infamous Quince pouring

Rob and the bottle

Everyone has scary eyes, even the dog

In the material world

2008-09-07T10:26:00.002-05:00

I think there is a ghost in my house.

Now, that being said, it could be something I'm totally projecting and it isn't for real in the slightest. It could just be paranoia. But I'm curious.

In my new house, you can get to the bathroom by either A) going through the guest room, or B) going through the kitchen, to the office, and then to the bathroom. We always keep both bathroom doors shut, as Ms. Maddy loves to go into the bathroom and eat copious amounts of toilet paper.

Last night we went out for our anniversary dinner, and upon returning, we couldn't find Maddy (this is not the first time this has happened). Of course, we have a much bigger house now, plus a second story, so I ran around looking for her until I heard Rob yell "I found her, she's in the bathroom".

Okay. So I've seen Maddy nose her way in to the bathroom via both doors. But here is the weird thing. She was stuck in the bathroom for who knows how long... and both doors were shut tight. In addition, the door from the guest room into the dining room was also shut tight. Incidently, we had left that door wide open when we left.

So someone please explain to me how all three doors were shut up tight, when no one with opposable thumbs had been in the house for hours?

This same thing happened a few days ago, except Maddy was trapped in the guest room and not the bathroom.

Now here is the thing. I never get an oogy feeling in the house. It is a warm, gentle feeling being here. I think if there is some kind of spirit in this house, he/she is a playful one, and means us no harm. It's an old house, over 100 years, and I'm sure there may be someone who's passed on, some disembodied soul floating around.

There may also be some logical explanation. I am open to both.

The Last Five Years

2008-09-06T08:31:00.000-05:00

Happy Fifth Anniversary, love of my life...

Dining Room

2008-09-05T10:38:00.002-05:00

In case you're following along, here was the dining room on Tuesday...

And here it is today. Lovely, don't you think?

I am finally done doing things to the house... for now! I got everything done I wanted to before students come next week. Today, I think I'll head over to see Abbey at Green Thumbers and buy some mums to plant for my window box and front porch pots. The outside needs a little color. Tomorrow, Rob and I celebrate our 5 year anniversary. We're taking each other to the Bass Street Chop House down on the Moline Riverfront. It's supposed to be quite swanky... and expensive. Should be a nice weekend!

P.S.

2008-09-04T09:35:00.003-05:00

I forgot to add the pic of the closet, which is the size of a small third world country.

Even with all the built-in shelves and such, it's still bigger than the 2nd bedroom in our rental in Moline. I have two shelves dedicated just to my shoes. A girls dream.

Home

2008-09-03T12:43:00.003-05:00

Well, I finally had a free moment to write, so here it is- the house.

We closed Friday at 9am, and I immediately went over to the new house to clean. The sellers left the house is "alright" condition. The bathroom was dirty, and the hardwood floors were left pretty gross. They also hadn't vacuumed the lower level. I had also decided to paint the bathroom that day, as we boarded the dogs until Sunday and thought it would be good to get it done before they came to the new house. While I painted and cleaned, Rob made trips back and forth from the old house to the new with all the boxes. We spent the majority of the night unpacking, as when I finished the bathroom, my feet/lower legs were quite sore from standing on a ladder the entire day.

Saturday we moved the rest of the house with the aid of Jill, Aaron, Les, Andy and Matt Moody. We started at 10 and were done at 1. It went super fast! We treated everyone to lunch after at La Ranch (Mexican food rocks), then returned the truck and went back to the house to finish cleaning. Spent the rest of Saturday working on those boxes, as I wanted the house to look and smell like ours for when the dogs came home on Sunday. We took a quick break when Rob's fam came by with KFC.

Sunday the dogs came home, and we went shopping for various things for the house like curtains/shades, paint, groceries, etc.. We continued to work and unpack until a Labor Day party at Ann and Arshia's house just down the street

So, everything is out of boxes, the house is in order, and the dogs are happy with both the yard and ALL the space they have to stretch out. It is a real treat for all of us after living in that teeny tiny rental for a year. We also are thrilled to be a block (literally) away from Abbey, Anya and Oliver, who we've seen everyday since we've moved in. The neighbors are really nice, and we're so happy to be living in a diverse neighborhood. The neighbor on the right is hispanic, and the neighbor on the left is black. We are proud to say that we will be able to raise our kids in a place that is diverse with all genders, races, sexual preferences; and more importantly, looks like America.

And now, what you've been waiting for...

The studio. We are planning on changing this room a bit in the coming months. Since I am the one who will teach in here, I hate how dark it is. Plus, who paints their ceiling dark like that? The house is filled with gorgeous woodwork, and for some reason, a previous owner painted the trim in just this room (???!!!). So we'll be stripping the trim and then painting it a nice sandy brown in the months to come.

Living room, complete with Golden Retriever. I love this room. The hardwood is so pretty in all these rooms, and I love the dark green/brown color.

Dining room. This used to be the same color as the LR, but we wanted a red dining room. I spent most of yesterday priming this sucker to paint tomorrow.

Guest room. We finally have a proper guest room! The sellers painted it a lovely cafe au lait color, and we love it. We went with a travel theme for the guest room. It's totally fab.

Kitchen. Love this room, too. It's so freakin' huge. The sellers left their stainless steel fridge, stove/oven and brand new dishwasher. Plus, a butlers pantry and brand new slate flooring. It's gorgeous.

Bathroom before.

Bathroom after. And yes, for those of you who'll get this, the Ed's are up.

Office/Main level laundry.

The Master Bed. It's messy, but yes, it IS as big as it looks. 28x12. I'm not kidding. It's enormous.

The reading nook in the Master Suite.

Eventual Baby room. Now, a futon room.

The house.

2008-09-02T13:15:00.001-05:00

Moved in. The house is awesome. Have painted the bathroom and priming the dining room at this moment. Pics to come very soon!!

Quick Update

2008-08-25T20:53:00.001-05:00

Thursday is our final walk-through before we close Friday at 9am. We start moving stuff in Friday afternoon!! Lots of pics to come this weekend, so stay tuned!

Dude.

2008-08-20T09:49:00.003-05:00

So these weeks are kinda starting to get messed up. With closing on the house in just 9 days (and moving in 10), my world has been turned on its end. I'd like to say that there is nothing but excitement pending this move, but of course there is stress, too. I just hope it doesn't rain the day we move.

The past few weeks I haven't been teaching, but merely focusing on getting the house ready to move, and for a moving sale we're having on Friday. It's been quite boring around this house ever since my last student came through. But trying to have a student come in this messy, box-packed house would be a nightmare. So I've been packing. And watching movies. And spending far too much time on the computer. Although the websites are now completely updated. Look what a little time will do!

This past weekend we said farewell to our friend Melissa, who is on her way to Austria as I type. Melissa writes for the QC Times, and is in a sort-of journalist exchange program with a paper there. She will be gone for 7 weeks, and decided to throw herself a lovely soiree to say goodbye to us all this past Saturday. There was drinking and eating and chatting with friends new and old. We had a blast. And, as fate would have it, the majority of the partygoers realized we were all wearing black shirts and khaki pants/shorts. Take a look.

The Pensieve shot.

Now, only a few days left to wait. Can I make it??

Gonna go back in time

2008-08-13T09:52:00.001-05:00

This past weekend, Rob celebrated his 15 year high school reunion up in Morrison. It was a lovely weekend of Rob seeing his old friends, and a chance for me to finally put faces with names I’ve heard for the last 8 years.

The festivities started Saturday night (for us, anyway, as we did not participate in Friday night cocktails or the Sat. morning golf tournament) at Blue Goose Run in Morrison with lovely pre-dinner drinks and mingling. The weekend’s events were put together by two ladies from the class, Irene (who is an avid Bury My Lovely reader- thanks, Irene!) and Tricia, who gave a delightful speech before the buffet dinner. I had a few glasses of wine, but not too much to be entirely too tipsy before the Boones Farm was passed out to each table (an obvious Morrison inside joke I was not in on). After dinner, much fun was had drinking and chatting. Rob and I left around 10, but got stuck outside with some folks smoking and talking, which meant we really didn’t leave until about 11, getting back to the QC around midnight.
Sunday we headed back to Morrison at 9am for a potluck picnic and get-together at one of Rob’s old teachers house just prior. We enjoyed a nice lunch at 1 on a farm of one of Rob’s classmates, and most everyone brought along their kids to this one, when Rob and I noticed we were the only married couple from his class (that was present at the reunion) to not have kids. Yet, anyway.

Irene and I

Rob’s graduating class was close to 85, and only about 50 came to the reunion, along with spouses and such. My graduating class had 510. I have yet to go to a class reunion, but quite frankly, I really don’t care to. Rob’s class is filled with wonderfully thoughtful, interesting, successful people who are all beautifully positive and pleasant to be around. My 15 will be in two years, and it really makes me wonder 1. Will I go? And 2. Why would I? Going to this made me realize my class was filled with a bunch of douche bags.

Who knows what happened in Morrison. Maybe it’s something in the water, how people turned out so nice there. Maybe people there know how to raise their children to become thriving citizens and human beings. My high school, and more importantly, my class? The people I want to associate myself with I still talk to. Ann. Les. Courtney. Kalyca. That’s it. And look at all of them. Masters Degree in Business. Pharmacist. Regional Manager of a Cosmetics Company. Architect who loves her kids so much decided to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. All success stories in my book. Everyone else I could care less about.

With the exception of junior year (the best year of my high school career), I really hated high school. I don’t dwell on it. It sucked, I moved on. Rob often talks fondly of high school and how much fun he had, and I wonder what life would have been like for me if I had gone to a small place like Morrison High School. I always remember this though, that high school is just high school. It’s meant to be survived and nothing more. I’m glad I survived it, because I wouldn’t be where I am today without those 4 years of knowledge, in and out of the halls of MHS. And as Kev would say “That which does not kill us…” So true, my friend. So true.

A review

2008-08-05T21:41:00.004-05:00

The season is over. Am thankful. All I can say about it was that I learned a hell of a lot. And what to do (and not to do) next summer.

So here's the thing. I don't want to talk about theatre, see theatre, think about theatre for about a month. Can you help me out with that? If you call me or send me an email or whatever, don't even mention it. Not to worry, I still love it, but quite honestly, I'm burnt out and don't even want to hear a word about it until after September 1. Capisce?

Now that's settled, I have really been enjoying the last week and a half. The past few days have been hotter n'hell in the QC, so Rob and I have been partaking in some lovely outdoor/indoor activities. Saturday we joined our friend John and his neighbors Ron and Mary on his 36 foot boat for a cruise on the Mississippi. It was a perfect day for boating, so we slathered up the sunblock, I got out my floppy summer hat and off we went.

\

After the cruise, we had a "romantic date" (that's my niece's term), then headed to my folks for S'mores by the fire pit. It was truly Summer.

Sunday we walked around the mall and I bought the final book in the Stephenie Meyer Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, then went out to Backwater Gamblers, the local waterski team for their weekly ski show. It was awesome!

And today, I had my final voice student until the second week of September. Now, I finally get to relax for a few weeks (other than packing, of course). This coming weekend is Rob's 15-year high school reunion. I am looking forward to meeting his friends from long ago. Should be a riot.

I leave you with some lovable shots of Maddy.

Say wha'?

Sorry/Grateful

2008-07-23T23:04:00.002-05:00

Only bigtime Sondheim fans would get that.

First, sorry I haven't written. Tech week for Bees was last week, then we had the Storm of the Century on Monday at 6am, which left nearly 200,000 residents of the QC without power. Not shitting. Three days of no electricity, no refridgeration, and no air conditioning. I won't go into detail, but yes, it sucked. A LOT.

Second, am grateful that while Rob and I were playing Scrabble by candlelight at 9:30pm tonight, the power came back on. YES!!! We were running around the house like crazy people with happiness that we could now flip on a light, turn on our air conditioning and check our email. Woohoo!! During the three days of darkness I didn't do much, other than start and finish Stephen King's The Stand. Not kidding. 900 pages. That shows you how much time I had on my hands. During the evenings, we headed out to find something to eat, but that usually meant heading to Iowa because all of the Illinois Quad Cities were without power. With all the food gone bad in my fridge (was sick to my stomach throwing everything out of it yesterday afternoon), we headed out last night to Genghis Grill with 7 of our friends who, sadly, also did not have power. Then onto Maggie Moo's for ice cream. It was a real treat.

Now, we are sitting in a house lit up like a church, our dogs comfortably resting in the cool air (Ike in particular laying on the AC vent, which is his new thing), and tomorrow I get to restock my fridge after heading back to the Y after a long hiatus (they too were without juice).

Bees has been going great. We've gotten some lovely (yet constructive) reviews from local critics, and I myself am ready to put this theatre season behind me and move into my new house.

The Fire Within

2008-07-09T22:52:00.003-05:00

More than any other time of year, I find myself most nostalgic in Summer.

Part of me wants to understand why that is. The other part doesn't want to wonder for fear of ruining it.

The most fond memories are of boys. Well, they're all men now, but when I was a young girl, they were boys. I blogged on this many months ago, but there is something ripe about Summer that makes people fall for one another.

Two years ago, the Summer of 2006, I was in a production of Chess The Musical. During this time I met my pal Thurm. It was during Chess that my world cracked open and the secrets to my own happiness were revealed to me. It was a brilliant time of my life. Thurm sent me this quote, that I always keep near and dear to me...

"Now: I believe that you've had most of your important memories by the time you're thirty. After that, memory becomes water overflowing into an already full cup. New experiences just don't register in the same way or with the same impact. I could be shooting heroin with the Princess of Wales, naked in a crashing jet, and the experience still couldn't compare to the time the cops chased us after we threw the Taylors' patio furniture into their pool in the eleventh grade. You know what I mean."
Douglas Coupland - Life After God

The Summer of 2000, I had just been through the worst heartbreak of my 22 year old life. I did the only thing a heartbroken young woman would do. I dated. TONS of men. I wasn't promiscuous, but I wanted to know I had... options. It was the Summer before I met Rob, and during the months of June, July and August, I dated 6 men. I was in the prime of my life (or so I thought). Due to the break-up from the first important relationship of my adult life, I had lost 20 pounds, became a vegan (and an anemic in the process), a raging drunk, dressed like a hoochie and became an utter mess. In the midst, I dated Jason, Mark (he was a dish, but too young for me), Troy #1, Troy #2 (or, The Passing of the Troy's as my girlfriends called it), John and Greg. None of them ever stayed too long. A few of them stayed a night or two, but none of them ever felt... right. When I look back at that Summer, I only see depression. And angst. And many shots of Rumplemintz. And many nights throwing up in the bathroom of random bars in the District. Not one of my finer Summers, for sure.

In June of 1993, I was a young 16, and spent my first summer at Genesius Guild with two friends. It was there a young man caught my eye. He was the first in a line of dark-haired, blue-eyed boys I would have an affinity for. He was a bit too old for my young 16 (he was 19 at the time, which wouldn't matter a wink now). His friend was dating my best friend (who she later married... and divorced), and the four of us went to Vanderveer Park. Les and Andy ran off, and the two of us stayed together on a park bench. It was late. The dew on the grass was so wet under my bare feet. He held my hand. He made me feel divine. What awkward, 16-year-old girl wouldn't? He was beautiful. His hand touched my face. I thought there was no one else in the world but the two of us, right there, on that park bench at 10 o'clock at on a Wednesday night. It was the most intense, astonishing moment I had ever felt, the fire between us. When the summer season ended at Genesius Guild, he went his own way, I started my junior year at Moline, and I never saw him again. This past Tuesday, he popped up as a person I may know on Facebook. I had always wondered what happened to him. Funny, the way people come in and out of our lives.

The Summer of 1998, I met up with an old high school friend. He was an artist. Conflicted, angsty, beautiful. He was not the same boy who sat behind me in French class. No. Here was a grown young man, confident in his craft, smart and sexy in a way I could never touch him. We went to a movie. Then to Denny's for coffee. It was past midnight. He asked me to come to his house to see his work. He rolled a joint. He showed me his work. Colors so beautiful. I wanted to know him, feel him, be in his skin. To be a part of him, to feel the fire between us. I waited for him to move, to take me. Sweaty palms. My heart beating against my flesh. He told me I was the only woman he ever loved, because I was the only one that understood him. His tortured, art-soaked, perfectly flawed young life. This was the Summer I understood what it was to feel emotions I could not comprehend. To want something and never have it. It was the Summer I realized I was no longer a girl, but a woman.

My fondest memory is meeting Dave. Early July, 1996. I had just been through a heartbreaking moment of my young adulthood when I met him. Any time I hear a song by Journey, or the B-52's, I think of Dave and that summer. This crazy, wildly funny, stocky, energetic young man with warmth to him that not many saw but me. Our first date, it was so hot and humid, I swear you could swim through the air. We went to see the movie The Rock with Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage, then to Whitey's and back to his parents for talking until dawn. I had a chest cold, one that lasted all summer long, and his dear mother told stories of how her mother would feed her Vicks Vapo-rub as a child. We thought that was the most hysterical thing at age 19 and 20. After a summer of wild sexual tension, we parted ways without so much as a kiss, and have stayed friends ever since. It was, and still is, the greatest Summer of my life.

Week in Review

2008-07-07T11:14:00.002-05:00

I actually have felt pretty great this week. Getting back to the gym, sleeping, not drinking alcohol and not eating crap have done wonders for my mind, my body and my emotional state.

Kimberly took it's toll on me in a bad way. Most of that was probably my fault, not taking care of myself and stressing beyond the limits of reason. Bees is going very well in contrast. I am unsure as why this production isn't freaking me out as much. Probably a bunch of things: My actors are solid with their lines, and I am releasing control over most things and letting my tech staff do the stuff I did for Kimberly. It's a great feeling.

Had a lovely week of doing not much. Last Monday, Rob and I attended a cookout at Ron and Cindy May's, where we rehashed old memories and ate way too much. It was a lovely time. To celebrate the birth of our nation, Jake and Jeremy threw a sushi party Friday night, and the group of us gorged ourselves on the deliciousness.

We also had our home inspection done on the house, and it passed with flying colors. There are a few things we're asking the sellers to fix, but nothing too major. Now we just wait...

Revenge of the Nerds

2008-06-30T11:13:00.003-05:00

Okay, so there is this dude I went to school with. I'm not giving any names to protect both of us. Anyway, one would definitely classify this guy as a nerd (and I was a grunge outcast myself in high school, so don't be getting any ideas about my classification). I remember him as always being nice, smart, and admittedly, sort of cute. Come on, we're all adults, we can admit now whether or not we thought someone was cute. He always had a nice face. Clear skin, nice smile.

So anyway, I've seen him a few times since moving home. Twice at the Hy-Vee getting groceries. We always look at each other with this vague look like "I know that person, but what is their name?". Ha! Still not telling you. This morning I saw him at the Y. It's always strange, seeing people that you remember from your past. For example, I also saw my 5th grade teacher at the Y today. He looked the same, except a little more saggy than 20 years ago. But when I saw The Nerd, working out on the floor below me (the walking track overlooks the weight room), I couldn't believe my eyes. The Nerd was buff. I mean in a skinny sort of way, but still. Muscle. And he was really workin' it and succeeding. It was SO WEIRD. I think it's great, because wouldn't it be awesome for all those folks who (most likely) teased him (I never did) all those years ago could see him now, looking kinda... Hot. Good for him. Way to go, nameless-nerd-but-no-longer-a-nerd!!

In other random news, Kimberly closed with a full house on Saturday. It was awesome. Sunday I awoke with a sore throat that I'm still sort of fighting (E-mer-gen-C rocks) accompanied by exhaustion like I've never felt. Today is my day off, so I spent the morning at the gym, and am not going to do much else in the meantime. Which means NO WORK. I think I'll take a shower. Have lunch. Take the dogs to the groomer. And have a cook-out with some old friends. Perfect.

Week(s) in Review

2008-06-28T08:41:00.006-05:00

I'm a fuckwit. Really. No, go ahead and call me that. I can't believe it's been 10 days since my last post. But to be honest, I haven't had the time to do anything, much less sit for an hour (or less) and blog. I miss it, too. Blogging is such a release for me, and I enjoy doing it. But once I tell you of our last ten days, you may begin to understand how I haven't been able to.

Opening weekend of Kimberly went good. Small crowds, but I was sort of expecting that. A theatre company no one has heard of, a play no one has heard of, and, well, it's a PLAY. If we had done a musical, it woulda sold like hotcakes, just as Elegies did. Oh well, this second weekend has been way better, and with tonight closing, I'm sure we'll have a nice big crowd. Last Sunday we had a cast/crew party at our house, and it was a blast. Here's a few from the event.

The gang

The latest craze, Vodsicles!

Scott and D

The infamous Cranapple-tini. Delish!

I love this photo of Bryan and I.

In the meantime, we've started rehearsals for Bees. What a great cast and fun show. It's such a different feel than Kimberly, both material and people involved. I am excited we've already gotten going.

Tuesday, Rob and I met with our realtor Kim, and she showed us 5 houses. The first one she showed we absolutely LOVED and decided to make an offer Wednesday morning. I'll spare you all the details of waiting, but Friday at 2 we found out the house is ours!! It's this gorgeous Victorian beaut in the Broadway Historic District in Rock Island. It's move-in ready (we'll paint a room or two), and we should close before or by August 29. It's all happened so fast, but we are overjoyed with the outcome. The best part about living there is the close proximity to all our friends, including Abbey and Anya, the adorable lesbian couple we've fallen in love with, and their little boy Oliver. We will live only 2 blocks from them!! We had lunch at La Flama with them on Thursday, and played in the fountain in downtown Moline just after.

Oliver and Mama Anya

Oliver and Rob

Oliver and Rob...again

In closing, I am ready for September 1. The house will close, the season will be done, and I can get back to taking care of myself. Because seriously? I'm not. And it's taking it's toll. I haven't been to the gym as much as I'd like. I'm not eating right. I'm not getting enough sleep. Frankly, I look like shit. More importantly, I feel like shit. Next year, I'm not directing/producing every show. It's much harder than I thought it would be, and I really wanted to take care of myself this summer. To get a little more fit and feeling good to make that baby. Don't think it's gonna happen this summer. There is always the fall...

Home Sweet Home

2008-06-18T11:07:00.002-05:00

While I have been entirely too busy (and still fighting off the shingles), I thought I'd take a moment to write. Monday morning, Rob and I had a meeting with the loan officer at MidwestOne Bank in Davenport, and got approved for a home loan!!!! Yowee!!! We are thrilled beyond belief to be making this next step in our lives together. After 8 years of being starving, rent-controlled grad students, we have finally crossed the threshold into adulthood, and will buy our first home. There are many houses in our price range that we have already been looking into, and can't wait to make a place ours. Yippee!! Will keep you updated on the process.

Kimberly opens in two days, and it is really coming together. A few days ago, I was stressed beyond belief (and still am, for other reasons entirely. If you're curious, send me an email), but now, the cast and crew are pulling together and it's looking pretty stellar. If you're in the area, come and see it!!

Week in Review

2008-06-15T17:53:00.004-05:00

I used to be so much better at writing. That was, of course, when I had the time to do so. I hope to be at it much more come August when the season has settled down.

This past week has been quite eventful. We are now in Hell Week for Kimberly Akimbo, which opens on Friday. It's going to be a long week, but a good one.

The first big, important news is that my sister and brother-in-law welcomed their new baby, a girl named Isabella Rose. I'm sure Enzo wanted a boy, but we are all thrilled to have a little girl in the family.

Isabella Rose Giovannucci

Since Rob and I can't say we have any babies on the way yet, here are a few pics of our loves, Maddy and Ike.

Thursday, Rob and I headed to the Nati for some fun and exhaustion. Mid-way during the trip, I noticed how itchy my left arm had become, and realized my exhaustion and lack of care of myself had led to shingles... again. I didn't let it hamper my mood, though, as we had a night of mayhem ahead of us.

We met my old student Jess and her mom at Pompilio's for amazing Italian food.

Afterward, we drove around our favorite city and stopped at Graeters for some ice cream.

After Graeters, we headed up to Devou Park, where you can see the Cincinnati Skyline. It was a beautiful night.

From the foot of the Roebling Suspension Bridge

At 9, we met some pals at Below Zero for lots of drinks and revelry. Here the lovely and talented Lori Valentine and I.

A Side Show reunion, from L to R, Michael P, Alan, Me, Kera and Michael Shawn.

The next morning was the Doctoral Hooding Ceremony, the whole reason we went to the Nati. It was a long few hours (we left in the middle of it) to see Rob get hooded. Here his is.

Dr. Rob

We celebrated at our favorite little downtown sushi eatery, Ko Sho, then over to Rookwood Pavilion for some great shopping. We hit the mecca of all shoestores, and our favorite kitchen store Sur La Table before heading to Aglamesis Bros. for a brownie sundae (pronounced just as it looks- Ag-Luh-Me-Sis).

Let's get some shoes, betch (and I did!)

We headed home Saturday morning, and I slept most the way, trying to get enough rest to combat the awful fire that is now coursing through my left arm. When we got home, we hit Hy-Vee for some groceries and encountered this amazing pair of rainbows. It was awesome.

And last but not least, a promo shot from Kimberly Akimbo.

Now, off to the theatre, and then, to bed.

Week in Review

2008-06-08T09:50:00.003-05:00

I am nuts. How in the world did I think I could direct 2 shows in 8 weeks? I'm a crazy person. I've made the decision to ask for director/play submissions for next summer because there is no way I can direct all the shows again. While, yes, I am overjoyed with doing it all, I am exhausted. Beyond any kind of exhaustion I have ever experienced. The past few weeks, it's been the close of Elegies, rehearsing for Kimberly, teaching lessons, going out with friends (or having them over until all hours), and of course, the producing aspect of Kimberly, which was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Today is the first day since probably April that I have no obligations until rehearsal at 7pm. After rehearsal last night, I came home and cleaned the house because, really, it was disgusting -when have I had the time to do it?- did the dishes, then just sat. I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series and am on book 6 (Half-Blood Prince). Watched an episode of Supernatural I ituned (is that a verb? It is now), took a Benedryl and went to sleep. I needed it. Today, I'm planning on doing nothing. Maybe watch another ep. of SPN, because a girl can never have too much Jensen, and read my HP book 6.

Kimberly has been the biggest thing going on in my life, of course, but the week was eventful none-the-less. Friday night, D ,Bryan, Aaron, Jill, Rob and I headed over to the Greek Cultural Festival at the baseball stadium. It was a beautiful night, and we wanted a gyro. We gorged ourselves on a ton of Greek food (Baklava. Yum.) then headed back to our house, when Jake arrived to play after Comedy Sports. At nearly 11, I promptly told them I was about to pass out from exhaustion, and off they went. Yesterday was my academy Spring Recital. 10 of my students performed, and they all did just beautifully. It was a lovely little program.

In other news, P-dub finished boot camp in San Antonio, and is now in Monterey, CA learning Arabic. The picture on his facebook profile is a little scary. The adorable, baby-faced youngin' with curly hair is gone, and has been replaced by a chisled, skinny, buzz-cut military man. The only thing that remains constant are his eyes. Am unsure how I feel about his new look. I've always told him he looks good with a little more meat. But for his current post, I'm sure this look works better.

Thursday, Rob and I head to Nati for a few days for Rob's doctoral hooding ceremony. I CAN'T WAIT!!!! It's been since November that I've been, August for Rob. The plan? First, eat at Pompilio's for the best Italian food ever created. Head to Below Zero for a little get-together with our Nati friends. Am excited to see Michael Shawn, Matt and Jason, Mark, my Chuck, and my little siamese twin from Side Show, Kera. Not so little anymore though, as she just graduated from NYU with a degree in MT. It's been 3 years since we've seen each other, and I can't wait to see how she has grown (figuratively, not literally, as she was always the same height as me- we did play conjoined twins, you know). Other than that, we will be at CCM much of the trip for Rob's graduation stuff. He already has the diploma, but he wanted to walk in the ceremony and get his hood and stuff. Should be fun! I promise to take many pics to post for our return.

And I leave you with the cast photo from Elegies. Esther's husband Scott took this. So awesome!

Week in Review

2008-06-02T21:40:00.003-05:00

What a wonderfully busy and lovely week we've had. The weather has been perfect, which allowed Rob and I to put in the vegetable garden, and for me to plant flowers in the front flowerbeds.

After Elegies closed, I am now deep in the trenches of Kimberly Akimbo, which opens in just 2 1/2 weeks. It is definitely a whirl-wind summer of theatre, but I'm really enjoying it all. I do hope my cast is as well!

Last week, we helped celebrate Gerin's (girl Erin) graduation from Bradley with a night at Ribco for karaoke. We had such a ball, and I finally got to see my husband get up on stage to sing one himself. He and Aaron did a lovely rendition of Talking Heads Once in a Lifetime.

Erin serenaded us with some crazy thrash metal tune.

I did a little Pat Benetar (I mean, what else, really) and some Bonnie Raitt before doing a little harmony with Jake on Africa by Toto. We all had a blast.

Friday night we partied at Andy's to say farewell to the traveling Daniel, and throughly exhausted ourselves for the rest of the weekend. August's vacation to Michigan is looking brighter and brighter.
Saturday Rob and I made our first summer trip to Davenport's Farmers Market for our weekly produce and beef. Am looking forward to the next weeks when the vendors will be a bit more plentiful.

Tonight, Rob and I went out to see our first movie in about six months (the last, I think, was Enchanted back on Thanksgiving- yikes) to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Can I just gush a little while about how great this movie is? Karen Allen is just beautiful and perfect, reprising her role as Marion Ravenwood. Harrison Ford is punchy and still amazing, doing most of his own stunts. And Shia LaBeouf (hello?! When did he get HOT?) is always spot-on, but what a different role for him. He was perfect. They all were, really. And it was exactly how I expected it to be - full of crazy adventure, sci-fi, mystery and good ol' fun. I will definitely see it again. After I see Sex and the City.

Day at the Zoo

2008-05-26T21:09:00.004-05:00

This morning, Rob and I had the pleasure of spending some time with Jake, Jeremy and girl Erin (or, Gerin, if you will) at Niabi Zoo. What was supposed to be a yucky day of rain turned out to be the perfect day to hit the zoo with some pals, and it was a blast.

It had been a few years since Rob and I had been, and Niabi had done some radical changes and renovations. It's really looking quite nice these days, with many new exhibitions to see and take part in. The coolest was the Austrialian Walkabout, where you walked freely with both Emu and Wallaby, then onto Lorikeet Landing. After paying a dollar, you can come into the enclosure with many of the Austrialian Lorikeet birds, offering yummy nectar for them to come and enjoy. When I first walked in, four birds landed on my arm at once! It was pretty cool.

We saw lions, tigers, and bears (oh my! come on, I had to) as well as giraffe, monkeys, reptiles, elephants, elk, bald eagles. You name it, we saw it today. Here are some fun shots I took. Enjoy!

Can't remember what this monkey is called, but it had a cute baby with it.

The Beastmaster with his lorikeet. You gonna eat that poor bird, Jake??

Jake, Jeremy, Rob, and my arm, all with the Austrialian Lorikeets

Jake made up a cute song about this guy. Ask him to sing it for you.

Three of the four giraffe at Niabi

Cool shot of the token Niabi lion

Week in Review/Saying my Goodbyes

2008-05-25T20:50:00.003-05:00

Last night, we celebrated in style, both our closing night and Bryan's 27th birthday. My bestest friend Chuck was in from the Nati, and we had a nice visit. Our closing weekend for Elegies was pretty great, as last night we sold out. We were pretty happy to have such wonderful crowds and happy audiences. Everyone (well, most everyone) loved the show and were happy to our organization. We were pretty happy with our take, and we even made a nice profit!! Woot! Now... on to Kimberly...

I am exhausted after a late night, a busy day of strike, but actually, a busy 7 weeks of crazy life. Now that Elegies is over, I will focus on just directing and producing Kimberly, which will be more my style. Am looking forward to August when Rob and I will have the entire month off to do nothing but relax, visit with fam and friends, and make that baby.

Here are some pics from last nights festivities!!

Pat, Martie (Pat's wife) and Esther

Chuck, me and Rob

Chuck, D and Bryan

Denise, me and Chuck

D and Chuck

Dana and Jackie

D, Bryan and me

She's Ohio's Mazarati

2008-05-21T14:56:00.001-05:00

When Rob and I moved to Nati in 2002, I spent many nights singing this song from the tv production of 1987's Babes in Toyland. Rob still doesn't believe this song exists. I have proof now.

Enjoy the young Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves.

Week in Review

2008-05-17T10:14:00.003-05:00

Last night, I was very drunk.

Cait, the AD for Prenzie, asked me point blank as I'm drinking out of a bottle of champagne, "You must not be knocked up yet then, eh?"

Indeed, my dear Cait, I am not knocked up yet.

But last night, I celebrated in style, with the best friends a girl in the theatre community could have, to end what was, one of the most terrifying, heartbreaking, thrilling weeks of my life.

I took the week off of work to focus on last minute details for the show, the company, etc.. After our Wednesday night dress, Rob and I came home to a phone call that my grandpa (mom's dad) had just passed away at 10:35pm.

Now, I've lost grandparents. Both my dad's parents passed 6 and 8 years ago, respectively. The death of my grandmother in 2000 was a heartbreaking loss that I'm not sure I will ever get over. She and I had a close relationship. But for some reason, I took this death of my mother's dad especially hard. Not that I was terribly close to him, but because I hated to see my mother lose a parent. My mom is truly not only my mom, but a close friend. I don't even want to think about what it will be like to lose any of my parents (I have two step-parents, but I never think of them that way). So to witness my mother in such pain incapacitated me for much of my Thursday.

I couldn't help but find it fitting that Grandpa would pass away during tech week of a production entitled Elegies, which each and every song deals with loss and death.

But I made up my mind that the show must go on. Once I spoke to my mother Thursday afternoon, and heard not just grief, but acceptance, I knew she would give her blessing for us to continue on.

Friday, I spent most of the day fine-tuning the details of our opening night. Little did I know that my day was only to get better.

We had a small showing last night of 30 people, but the folks that came LOVED it. So did Ruby Nancy, one of the local theatre critics, who pulled me aside after the show and said "This was great. I'm so glad you all started a theatre organization in the QC". However, this comment was just an addition to the embarassment of riches that put me on cloud 9 yesterday.

RTC will receive a $10,000 start-up grant from the Riverboat Development Authority.

I couldn't believe my ears when Chris Jansen told me, just 5 minutes before curtain last night. When Rob and I wrote that grant in February, I thought it was to be a fart in the wind, never thinking we'd actually get it. But here we are, with 10K in our back pockets. I don't even know how much money that is. It seems that RTC will be around for more than just a season or two!

So last night, we celebrated in style, heading over to D's for an excellent party. I made a toast to everyone in the room, to "young theatre in the Quad Cities", after making our big announcement. What better way to head into your first foray of theatre?

Someone said to me last night "Get ready for greatness, Al". Could they have been right?

Longing

2008-05-13T22:31:00.002-05:00

My life has been filled with adventures I had never thought I would get the chance to do. I moved away from home. Far away. I lived my life for five years within the confines of an entirely new existence. I made my home within the beautiful historic neighborhoods in Cincinnati, and the sleepy ocean town of Eureka, CA. I came home just 10 months ago to find myself in a world exciting, new, the same. I befriended some wonderful people who I couldn't imagine my life without now.

Yet no matter the life experience I've chucked away since 2002, why is it that one little thing can turn my world on its axis? Without giving away too much, all I'll say is that you expect your life to be one way, because it's always been like that. But one thing can happen to turn your wildest dreams into reality. I'm not talking about the theatre company. I've experienced what can happen when you work hard and put your mind to it. I'm talking about people. Or person, rather. You expect Person to treat you one way because it's been that way since forever. And then something happens. Person changes. Person begins to treat you in a way that you had always hoped they would. How do you respond?

Because it isn't real. Not really. I've had enough therapy to understand that. The A-ha! moment is only an A-ha! to you. Person has no idea what you've been through and how your life is different because of them. Do they? I mean, unless you tell them, of course.

It's late. I'm tired. I'm rambling. Bleh.

Betch.

2008-05-13T09:30:00.003-05:00

Omigod, betch. You can get your own and show your love for Kelly here.

Week in Review

2008-05-11T13:02:00.002-05:00

Well, it was an interesting week, to say the very least. Lots of articles came out in various papers (with lots of various rumblings along the way), but all in all, some good publicity!

Elegies opens in just 5 days. Holy. F*#king. Shit. I can't believe it's so close. We are primed and ready. I think. We are in that "we open next week, and are we pulled together enough to do it?" phase. We have two dress runs, then the press preview. Yikes! We are excited. I am nervous as can be. But I took the week off to focus on last minute details (plus a few spa treatments thrown in- I need an eyebrow wax desperately). Hope you all can come out to see it!

This weekend was the performance of my one-act play entitled The Third Date. It was such a blast, and Jess and Jake nailed both performances. Both are such talented, natural actors with great comedic timing that they pulled it off without a hitch. I was so lucky to have them for my baby's first run! Plus, the crowds really responded to the short play about a young couple in the beginning stages of fluttery romance. I got a lot of "Ally, that was so awesome! Have you written anything else?", which was nice to hear. Once the summer season is over, I plan on doing some more writing, and submitting this one to Playscripts, Dramatists, and Sam. French to see if they'll publish. Who knows!! Afterward, we spent some time hanging out and celebrating at the Blue Cat.

Jess, me and Jake

This weekend is also opening for Prenzie's Life's a Dream, which we are looking very forward to seeing next weekend (when we can squeeze it in!!). The Prenzie's showed up at B. Cat after their own show, and we proceeded to drink and be merry.

D, Dana and Jackie

I am looking forward to a week of last minute details and spa treatments before we open. Wish us broken legs. Please.

Come see Elegies, open May 16!!!

2008-05-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

Here is a clip from Joe Papp from Elegies.

Printemps

2008-05-06T10:14:00.002-05:00

This is something I missed during my years away from the Quad. Spring.

While I dislike Spring due to the horrible allergies I get (and am going through at present), it sure it beautiful. Sure, Spring happened in Cincinnati, but due to the climate being a bit warmer, or the different river valley or something, Spring always happened so FAST there. It was buds on the trees, then Summer. Here, Spring happens over a period of a few weeks, emerging ever so slowly. It's just gorgeous. Last year, we didn't get a Spring being in California. Everything was moldy or wet or rainy or green. There weren't any colors. Depressing.

It's gorgeous today, and supposed to get up to 81 degrees. Yikes. Now if I can just find a pair of shorts that fit...

Which brings me to the workouts.

I have to admit, I put on a nice layer of winter fat this year. Ah well. Rob and I were so busy, we neglected to take care of ourselves, which meant eating poorly and not getting enough exercise. However, the past few weeks I've really been at it- pilates in the morning, then the cardio at the gym. Plus eating healthy. I can start to see the prize at the finish line. Size 8's again. Dammit Whitey's!
We also went to Bike and Hike this weekend and spent a hefty amount for a new bike for Rob. He's in love. He's commuting to work now, which will hopefully help him take off his winter weight, too. Once summer hits, I'll be taking a pilates class at the Y, along with finally being able to work out EVERY day, not just 4 days a week. Rob plans to ride his bike to work every day (yes, he'll still be going in to Augie during the summer, but only a few hours a day), then home for a run. He said when he lived in Houston, he rode his bike to school/work every day, then came home for a six mile run. I've seen the pictures. The boy was SKINNY. Am looking forward to that.

A hah!

2008-05-04T16:43:00.004-05:00

I finally hit the nail on the head this afternoon. I have been wondering why I have been so worried about this show opening, and subsequent articles coming out about it.

It's because I'm performing in my own first show.

It's strange, because this kind of thing happens all the time in other cities. It happened quite often in Cincinnati, frankly. Many shows I worked on with New Stage, the director would often put himself in shows if he felt no one else was right for the part.

Our auditions in mid-March were... sparse, for lack of a better word. I would have loved to find a young, high mixy/belter that could handle songs like Passover and Anytime. However, I was lucky to cast the roles that I did. Bryan had already signed on a few months before. Had Dana and Jackie not shown up, quite frankly, I would have been screwed. Let's not even mention Pat, who showed up on the last day of auditions and totally wowed us with his gorgeous baritone voice. But if he hadn't come in? I don't know what we would have done. I had two other women sing for me. That was it. Both were low altos, and probably not capable to handle the high stuff with ease. So I made the game-time decision to just do it. We made it by the skin of our teeth. What would we had done if we decided to do a huge show with a big ensemble? We would've been toast. I almost had to call off Bees, because I was short two men. I had many talented women show up for auditions, enough to cast Kimberly and Bees both, and had to turn some women down. Thank the FSM that Aaron and Dustin were so awesome, I put them in Kim, too. But for Bees? I actually had to solicit people at a Prenzie party to see if they would be in my play. Lucky me, they agreed.

My beef is that folks will see me as some sort of self-casting freak who thinks her shit doesn't stink, when honestly, it couldn't be more far from the truth.

Is this what it is going to be like in the future, too? While I enjoy performing, I'd so much rather be behind the scenes and create rather than be on the stage. I hear from my friends at Prenzie, Green Room, and My Verona that it's like pulling teeth to get people to audition. Lucky for them, they end up getting top notch actors for their shows, but then they run the risk of crticism for casting the same folks in every production. What else are they to do?? It's just a double-edged sword. You can't win either way.

I truly hope that, in the future, I'll have to beat auditionees off with a stick!

Week in Review

2008-05-04T09:25:00.003-05:00

I know. I can't believe I didn't post this week. Not once. But I will say that producing, performing in and vocal directing Elegies has been absolutely crazy. Yesterday was our first run through, and we rocked it. Of course there were a few minor little hiccups, but overall, I think the entire cast felt great about it. It runs about 75 minutes with no intermission, which is a good amount of time. People can usually sit for that long. Let's hope we're right.

Quite honestly, there isn't much else to report about the week's going-ons. My life right now consists of Elegies and rehearsing for my One Act, which you can see at The Green Room next weekend.

I had my interview with Mike Schultz this past week, as well as David Burke. I always wonder if I come off like a total dope. I hope I say the right things, or say them in the right way at least. I tend to overthink much of what I say to them as the days pass, but both men are great people as well as talented writers, and I know they will say good things about our organization.

Week in Review

2008-04-27T13:04:00.004-05:00

Dear readers, I wish I had the time this week to blog about whatnot. But it's been so busy I can barely think straight.

Elegies rehearsals are going great. I am glad I picked a (somewhat!) easy show for the first one. I've got some stellar musicians and singers, and their acting skills are pretty great, too. I took our headshot/promo photos this week, and I am excited to see how the SLR shots turn out. The digitals are pretty nice, too.

Looking Up

Am trying not to sweat the small details. Those details meaning space issues (lighting, props, set pieces, etc) and focus on the big details, like how the show looks and sounds!

This week, we've rehearsed every other night, and when not rehearsing for this, I was doing other important things. Like the first read-thru for my one act, The Third Date, which will be performed by Jess and Jake at Green Room's One Act Festival in a few weeks. I am so excited to really start working it this week, as I've got some great actors for my fledgling little script.

And on Thursday, Rob, Jeff, Steph and I headed over to MHS for their spring musical Cabaret. Jeff and I both starred in this Kander and Ebb show 15 years ago, and it was great fun to see it. We were quite nostalgic most the night, talking actor-smack and reliving some of our favorite moments. What fun!

It's been a relatively quiet weekend, which has been really quite nice. Debated on auditioning for Full Monty over at Circa, but decided against. I think after the summer, I may need a little break for a while. Plus, Rob and I are still concentrating on baby making, and that is much more important to me than a show.

Ciao, kittens.

Week in Review

2008-04-20T20:42:00.005-05:00

Rob is trying to tell me to stop worrying. I'm starting to freak out a little. When the thing you've been planning for years finally begins to happen, what do you do? I know in life you can't get anywhere by hemming and hawing and bemoaning every little thing. You have to dream big and take risks. Which is what I'm doing. But this is the scariest, most vunerable thing I've ever done. Starting my own theatre company has, yes, been my dream for who knows how long I can count. It's been well planned. Rob asks "what can go wrong?". Everything.

That being said, we open in just under 4 weeks, and things are looking pretty great. The space is coming along just as we'd like, the staging is happening this week. My cast is freaking amazing. I hope we get a decent audience, as we are eager to show the QC the kinds of musicals that are really great. The old war horses have their time and place, and musicals wouldn't be where they are today without them. But I also know the type of stuff we plan to do will knock the socks off of anyone who sees it. Let's just hope they come.

This coming week, Rob and I will be joined by Jeff and Stephanie to see Moline High School's production of Cabaret. 15 years ago, I had my first leading role in a musical as Cabaret's Fraulein Schneider, and Jeff played the stellar MC. It was Ron May's (he is the MHS choir director) first year at MHS in 1993, and Cabaret was his first show. It was the last time I've worked on stage with Jeff, and I think it will be a real treat for us to go and see it together! Much the fashion as it was 15 years ago, we've planned to head to the VI afterward for pie and coffee. Ah, I will feel 16 all over again.

Rob and I grilled out this evening, which was a real treat with the 70 degree sunny day. Summer is coming. I can feel it. To celebrate the impending warm temps, we headed to Country Style for some ice cream. While Whitey's has it's merits, CS is just as good, and has quite a loyal following.

Am busy taking some promotional shots for Elegies. Included in our promo shots will be photos of "My Dogs". Aren't they adorable?

Mr. Fuzzy

Ms. B

WTF??

2008-04-19T08:38:00.006-05:00

I awoke this morning at 8AM, on my day off. What the hell? Ah well, I'm letting Rob sleep in, and I'm enjoying my coffee, blogging and cuddling with my two amazing dogs. Now, if only it were sunny...

Apparently yesterday we had an earthquake, at 5:30 in the morning or something. Weird. While living in California, we experienced many earthquakes. It was an amazing thing to feel, after hearing about them for years. We lived just miles from a fault line that sat in the ocean, just a few miles off the coast of Ferndale. So it was pretty common there. Quite scary. But I didn't feel a thing yesterday! Neither the first nor the aftershock at 10:15. Ah well.

A friend of mine who is a blogger recently told me of his problems with an anonymous poster slamming him about something really trivial. I related my story to him about my own anonymous poster(s) back in the fall, and we agreed how sad it is, what the internet has done to our society. People who would be chicken to say things to your face now have the opportunities to unleash their negativity into the world. Yuck. We both found that idea quite sad. I told him about my secret weapon that allows me to see who checks my blog, at what time, how long they stay, and where they work. It's really quite awesome. And yes, Anonymous still checks my blog, most days of the week. I really wonder why, since they seem to dislike me so much.

Elegies opens in 4 weeks. What in the world have I gotten myself into...

Fright

2008-04-17T08:03:00.004-05:00

The weather is finally bringing Spring. It's beautiful.

The last three nights I have had extremely intense and weird dreams. I am wondering what it is that is making these images appear in my head. Is it having a bedtime snack? Reading Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire (am re-reading all the HP books) before I sleep? Am I (fingers crossed) pregnant? What is going on?

Last night, I dreamt I was married to Jared Padalecki, my boy from Supernatural. Seriously, a girl could do a LOT worse. Although I really wish it had been Jensen.

Damn. Anyway, Jared and I were staying at my yoga teachers house, who he then proceeded to strangle. Poor sweet little Jeani, being strangled by Jared Padalecki. Random?

Next up, I dreamt I was on the phone with Lesley, and as we were chatting, I was pulling out giant clumps of hair. Not the kind of pulling out hair when I shed after a brushing, I mean CLUMPS. It was so frightening. I usually have dreams about teeth falling out, but never hair. In dreams, when hair falls out, it usually means you feel weak and vunerable in a certain undertaking in your life.

Makes sense, seeing as the one thing I've been planning most my adult life is coming to fruition. Yes, I'm scared. I'm scared of thousands of things. That we wont make money, or find our audience, among many others. What I'm not afraid of is the talent behind these shows. Every person involved in RTC's first season are phenoms, and I believe in our strength and talent. But it doesn't make me any less scared.

Week in Review

2008-04-13T15:24:00.002-05:00

I am exhausted. Seriously. While I am so grateful for having amazing friends and a kickass social life, I am TIRED. Last night was the first RTC season party, where every cast member from all three shows, plus friends, spouses and loved ones showed up. There was probably 30 people in my house last night at one time. My teeny tiny house. It was a blast. While I'm trying to procreate, alcohol was off the menu for me, but I still woke feeling like shit. Folks stayed until 2:30 last night and then finally left. Am getting too old for this. And don't you tell me I'm young and not old. I need a weekend off. This was the third weekend in a row where we were up past our bedtime, and I'm ready for some rest. Here are some pics from last night.

Rob began an impromptu jam session, where Jackie got up and sang a little "Infinite Joy" from Elegies.

JC and Denise being devilish.

Bryan joins in on "Joy" with his spot on Betty Buckley impression.

Dana and Jackie. Aren't they cute?

In other news, our Elegies rehearsals are kicking ass. Yesterday we ran through the entire show. Mind you, it was just music and we haven't staged a lick of it yet, but damn, my cast sounds great. I hope we get a good audience so the QC can see what amazing musicals are available to them!

In June, Rob and I will be heading to the Nati for Rob's Doctoral Hooding Ceremony at CCM. While we'll only be in town a few days, am hoping I will get to see all my lovies while we're there. You know who you are, Nati!

No clever title

2008-04-09T21:22:00.003-05:00

This morning, I awoke from having the most intense dream of a man from my past. We were sitting on the bed, and I being a clearly married woman (most times in these dreams, I'm single, but not this one). He leaned in to kiss me, and I told him no, while the rest of my being screamed "YES".

I've had this dream about him countless times over the years. But this morning was different. In this dream, for the first time ever, I felt that he had regrets, too. For a long time, I have felt that he never felt for me what I felt for him. I could be right. But in my dream, I felt validated. Because he wanted me. That was a great feeling.

On another note, I received a message from my freshman year roommate from Clarke, Gwen. Gwennie (as we called her then) has had a life adventure as interesting and exciting as mine, and I was thrilled to hear from her today. Gwen was such a good friend to me during my years at Clarke, and I wish she knew how much I appreciated her friendship and goodwill all those years. I know I took her for granted at times, and the grown-up in me wishes I could have taken those times back. But I'm so glad to have her back in my life again. I do hope we can reconnect soon, as the last time I saw her was my wedding day.

Have been exhausted from burning the candle at both ends. I need a vacation from my illness, from performances, from rehearsals. Looks like it won't be for quite some time.

Ya give me fever.

2008-04-08T13:58:00.003-05:00

I won't lie. I have baby fever.

What started out as "we're not not trying", has definitely turned into "trying". I'm really trying to be patient. But, from what I've read I'm not alone, when most women begin to try having a baby, they want it NOW. I'm not obsessed about it. I don't go and buy ovulation/pregnancy tests every month. I'm not picking out paint colors, furniture, clothes for a nursery. But when I see a baby, which is most days of the week due to my job, it makes me yearn.

We've been off the birth control for a few months now. Not that I'm worried. Okay, I'm a little worried. I know it takes time, and most young couples it takes up to a year, or longer, to conceive. What worries me is that there may be something wrong. I'm not jumping the gun, as we've only really been trying for a few months. But, in the long run, what if I'm unable to have a child of my own? What if stupid mistakes from my youth come back to haunt me in the form of being a barren woman? Rob tries to quell my fears, and never tells me I'm being unreasonable. I know I'm not alone when it comes to having worries like this. It may take a while for us to conceive. I'm okay with that. However, there is always a chance. Isn't it ironic, that women go most of their youth trying to hinder pregnancy from happening, and then when it comes time that they want it, they just can't? Humph. Then there are women like my friend Christine, who decided to have a baby, and two weeks later she was late. Or Tracy, who is 6 months pregnant. By reading her blog, it definitely did not take her long to conceive, either.

The fact of the matter is, I'm ready to have a child. To share something like this with Rob. We've been through so much in the past 8 years, that I was wondering if I'd ever be ready for it. So many people have babies to save marriages. The thought breaks my heart. For Rob and I? Having a baby would be the cherry on the top of the hot fudge sundae. Our relationship is finally so good and so solid, we want to be able to bring someone into our lives that we can share our knowledge, our love with. A perfectly whole human being, with two parents who unconditionally love one another, understanding the world with an open mind. While I love both sets of parents, I didn't have that kind of upbringing. I was raised by people who, with much love to give, were often prejudiced, short and misunderstanding. Our child will have gay aunts and uncles, and understand the equality of their dispositions. Our child will be engaging, unspoiled, bright, with most likely, a high aptitude for music. Our child will be raised in an atheist household, but will understand and accept the beliefs of all around them. Most of all, our child will be loved. Our child will not be a product of divorce. Our child will only be the best parts of us (with a little vinegar thrown in, I'm sure). I can't wait.

Week in Review

2008-04-06T11:10:00.003-05:00

How is it possible I still have time to blog? Or to even breathe?

Ah well, twas a mighty busy week, once again. I am finally healthy, and the voice is back with a venegence, which did bode well for our all Sondheim cabaret performances last night at The Green Room Theatre. We had a blast, and afterward, headed over to (where else) The Blue Cat for beers and pub fries. We then headed over to Aaron and Jill's for some fun with the Prenzies. In attendance were Steph and Jeff, D, Eddie (who played a mean jam session on guitar with some other guy on a drum), Dustin and his wife, Mags, JC, and probably some other people I'm forgetting. I confessed to Aaron that Rob has a major Man-Crush on him, and Aaron proceeded to confess of his Man-Crush for Rob. Rob now wants us to buy a house close to A and J. Am scared of never seeing my husband again should that happen. Ah, but I'm happy to see Rob have a good friend again in Aaron. It's been quite some time since he's had a really good friend.

Last week I auditioned for Assassins, which will take place at The Green Room in August. Alas, I was not cast. While I would have loved to be a part of that show and to work with the folks there, I'm actually kind of relieved. This summer, it will be Elegies, Kimberly, then Bees. Had I been cast in Assassins, I would have gone right into production after Bees, and quite honestly, I need a break. Sometimes, the cosmos hands you something, and this isn't something I want to hand back. So now, we get to spend a week on Glen Lake in Upper Peninsula Michigan, where Rob's folks have a time-share and have given us the week to spend there for free. We will gladly take it!

Have started rehearsals for Elegies, which are going great. I am excited to see where the show heads in the next weeks.

P leaves tomorrow for Monterey. I guess there could be worse places to spend your time. Lucky dog. Although, if I was going to Monterey, I'd rather be going there to vacation, not to learn 4 new languages in the Air Force. Good luck, love!

Week in Review

2008-04-01T11:08:00.002-05:00

Hello kittens...

Life is finally starting to get back to normal after the horrendous sickness that plagued our house for nearly two weeks.

By last Wednesday, I was somewhat well enough to head back out into the world and teach my Kindermusik classes, but I'm sure I scared many of the mothers into thinking I was going to pass on the disgusting-ness I was carrying around with me. Thursday, I felt pretty good, which after an illness, is often times not a good thing. I taught two Kindermusik classes in the morning, then went on to teach for 5 hours, then off to rehearsal for Bryan's musical. Needless to say, I was pretty dead on my feet Friday. I just pushed myself way too hard.

Saturday night was the premiere of Bryan's musical, Rhapsody to the Other Side, which we performed at The Green Room. My pal Ann was in town from Arizona for a friend's baby shower, so she came out to see the show, then out to the Blue Cat after for a snack and some beers.

Sunday we rehearsed for our Sondheim cabaret, which is coming up this Saturday night at The Green Room, and last night, had our first get-together for Elegies.

Yep. I'm exhausted.

Have been back to the gym, which has helped immensly. Plus, I'm a butt watcher, which always makes life a little better. For instance...

There is this guy who works out on the same floor as I at the Y. He's probably in his late 30's or so. Nice-looking guy, but man does he have a butt on him. Yowza. While I do my walking, then my 30 mins. on the elliptical machine, he does his cycling. I could watch him all day. Nice.

In other random news, P is heading off to the Air Force this week. Humph. A few people who read this blog know of P, who he is, and why I seem to hold this sort of longing for him. For as long as I live, I will always have a mad crush on him, married or not. As a staunch liberal who fears the organization of the military in this country, it scares me, his going off into the AF. (While P and I aren't, and were never that close, I've always had a strong pull to him, for reasons I don't understand, and frankly, don't try to. It would ruin it for me.) I enjoy who P is. This will change him, sure, in so many ways. And how? When he is finished with his service in the AF, who will he be? P and I have had many conversations about this very subject. He has always felt a longing to be a part of something like this. Something greater. You'd have to hear him tell it to you, as I wouldn't be able to do it justice. Despite my reservations about the military, I do realize how important this is to him, and how excited he must be to finally be fulfilling a dream of his. Good Luck, P-dub.

Hallelujah!

2008-03-28T11:36:00.003-05:00

Blogger now allows posting of images. Although it's still a bit slow and almost like having dial-up again. Ah well, I'll take it.

Here are the long awaited pics from our trip to Dubuque and Galena those few weeks back.

My alma mater, snowing to beat hell the day we were there.

The symbol of Clarke, the atrium.

Mary Frances, or Mary Fran, where I lived all by my lonesome junior and senior years.

Galena Main Street, looking forlorn.

The epic staircase Moonlight Graham walks up every day and night in Field of Dreams, just off Main Street in Galena.

Alas, the 4th Street Elevator was a bit snowed in when we were there, so we didn't get to ride. Maybe we'll go back in the summer and ride it then!

Harumph....

2008-03-24T17:14:00.003-05:00

After not sleeping for days last week, I contracted Rob's flu. He is finally back to normal, which makes me feel somewhat better. Like there is an end in sight.

Why have I been so sick this year? Is it because I hadn't lived here in 5 years? I was sick many MANY times in California, but attributed it to the mold, the dampness, the cold weather, and what folks in Humboldt county called "The Humboldt Ick". But why now? It's nearly April, and I am laid up with the same flu that has ransacked the entire Quad City area (well, Augie at least).

Today is the first day since Thursday that I've felt somewhat human... but not really. Today was, however, the first day I got out of my pajamas, and subsequently, out of bed. While being an atheist means we don't really celebrate any sort of Easter holiday, I still would have rather been eating brats with my parents than eating scrambled eggs in bed watching The Goonies.

Ah but I will say this. There is nothing like the Flu Diet to help you get back into svelte shape. With a diet of chicken noodle soup and scrambled eggs for 5 days, one is bound to lose a few pounds.

I am ready to get back to normal. To get back to work. To teach, to function in the outside world. Hopefully tomorrow....

I don't mean to bitch, but...

2008-03-19T21:38:00.003-05:00

I'm exhausted.

I haven't slept through the night since last Thursday. Friday night was drinking with the Prenzies after the show, then up early. Saturday night? Drinking (and smoking cigars - why must I do this to myself?) with the Prenzies again, then up early Sunday, too. Plus auditions = exhausting. Then....

I have a sick husband at home battling the flu, which makes it nearly impossible to sleep because he either A. snores from having a stuffy nose or B. is coughing all damned night. Last night I fell asleep on top of the covers in my jammies snuggling with Ike. Woke up a little later and crawled into the bed. Awoke sometime before dawn to Rob hacking up a lung.

I just need to sleep. That's all.

It also doesn't help that teaching this MT Spring Break class over at New Ground A. eats into my morning gym routine (am total bitch when not getting my time on the elliptical machine in the AM) and B. having to teach kids for 2 hours straight. 1 hour works great, but 2? After a while, both they and I would rather be somewhere else. They would probably like to be running around outside or playing video games and watching tv. I'd like to be on a private beach in St. Barts, sipping a drink with an umbrella in it and getting a massage from Sven. Tomato, toe-mah-toe.

Tonight I'm settling for a vanilla steamer and some warm toast with cinnamon sugar and butter. May not be as sweet as Sven, but hopefully it does the trick.

Because the last one was so funny...

2008-03-18T17:05:00.001-05:00

Drunk History Vol. 2. Not for those with weak stomachs.....

Week in Review

2008-03-17T14:32:00.003-05:00

Well kiddies, Blogger still sucks ass. Am unsure what the hold-up is with the image posting, but hopefully it will be fixed soon!

I usually try not to advertise what I do on this blogspace, but I was able to cast my first season this weekend. Woot! If you're curious, please see the website to see all the great folks who will be joining us on our first season. YAHOO!!!

We all went to see the Prenzie's Taming of the Shrew this past weekend, which was a sublime evening of merriment (so was the partying at Blue Cat just following). What a wonderful show. While I enjoyed Othello back in October, this production just was too much fun not to like more than the other. Saturday night, we spent at Koski's, joining the Prenzies in post-show revelry.

In short, I'm exhausted from the partying, the auditions, and not seeing my dogs for nearly three days. I need another vacation...

Blogger sucks

2008-03-13T11:56:00.004-05:00

For some reason, Blogger still wont let me post pics I've taken, but it will let me post stock photos. What the F, Blogger? Oh well, those pics from our trip will have to continue to wait, I s'pose.

Auditions are in two days. I'm like a kid in a candy shop. Hopefully we are inundated with so much talent I won't know what to do with myself.

Since seeing Marion Cottiliard be a badass in La Vie En Rose, I Amazoned myself Eternelle, the Songs of Edith Piaf. It's really quite something. God could that woman sing. And as a musical theatre singer who tries to teach her students to phonate in the proper place (the nasopharnx), Edith is a prime listening example. She rocks.

I'm back....

2008-03-10T12:32:00.002-05:00

Hello kittens-

Have been trying to post pics since Saturday morning of our journey up north. However, I read that Blogger crashed the other day, and posting pics isn't working out, so when it's finally back up, I'll post them.

Today, I finished my grant for the Riverboat Development Authority. Six copies, plus the original, with attachments out the yang. It's been drudgery, but we've requested 10K, so if we get it, it'll be worth it. Now I get to write some smaller grants in hopes to suppliment our small take this summer. Auditions are Saturday and Sunday! I am excited, nervous, weirded out. I hope we get a good turn-out. Will see what happens!

More to come...

My boy is 30

2008-03-04T12:24:00.004-06:00

Okay, I'm not usually such a geek girl about this sort of thing. And I meant to post this on Saturday, but forgot. Most everyone who reads this blog knows my obsession, love, and fangirl-dom for the tv show Supernatural (which was just picked up for season 4- woohoo!). This past Saturday, my dear boy Jensen turned 30. Jensen has always been hot, even during his time spent on Days of our Lives all those years ago (yep, was a fan of him then, too). And maybe it's because I'm getting older, but damn, the older Jensen gets, the hotter he is. That whole life-experience thing, I think. And those wrinkles around his eyes. And those freckles.

He is SO James Bond here.

My two boys. So cute.

Even my husband, who is now an avid SPN fan, can understand the allure of such a beautiful man. He even condones my pervy thoughts about him. Thanks, honey.

Who else looks this hot with a gun?

Commence Happy Dance

2008-03-03T11:12:00.003-06:00

That's right, folks. I sent in the contracts (and money) to Samuel French today for our very first show! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Can't believe this is finally happening. Am too entirely happy. Now. Let's see if we can create an audience!

Also, I was informed today my one act, The Third Date, has been chosen to be presented at the Green Room's One Act Play Festival at the beginning of May! I am honored to be able to direct something I've actually written. How often does someone get to do that?

In other news, Rob and I are dogsitting for our friends Christine and Jemmie.

Ike, Maddy and Portia

As if two dogs weren't enough to create absolute mayhem, let's add a third. Portia is very sweet. She realizes Maddy is Alpha Dog, so she's been provoking poor Ike by batting at his head. Maddy went after her once. So protective of her little brother. They are all getting along just fine now, with a few whines and whimpers from Portia when Ike doesn't want to play. It's a 3 Dog Night at our house.

Week in Review

2008-03-02T10:38:00.003-06:00

*giant sigh*

Yes, I feel so much better than I did on Monday. I was pissed off, and in desperate need of venting. So thank you, dear readers, for giving me your kind words and love while I huffed and puffed and blew my own house down.

Am desperately ready for Wednesday, as that is when Rob and I leave for a few days. Wednesday we are heading up to Dubuque. Plans? We will visit Clarke (my alma mater), where I haven't been since 2002. Should be nice to see old friends, see how the college has changed. Rob also wants to ride the funicular, or the 4th Street Elevator. It's this ancient thing that takes you all the way up the hill, for spectacular views of the city and river valley. Hopefully it won't be too cold that day. Then, dinner with college pal Megan and her beau. Thursday, it's over to Galena for shopping, relaxing, etc.. We will return home on Friday afternoon, as next weekend I am judging Miss Blackhawk Valley Outstanding Teen. Oh boy...

Had the opportunity this week to see some good movies. The first was The Jane Austen Book Club.

It didn't get reviewed well, but I really enjoyed it. 6 people (5 women and 1 man) get together to each review one of 6 Jane Austen novels. Romance, friendship, anger, fun ensues. I liked it because this is how real life IS. From the opening montage of folks trying to deal with what technology has done to our lives, to Jocelyn (Maria Bello) denying her feelings for Grigg (an adorable and sexy as hell Hugh Dancy), to Prudie's (an amazing as usual Emily Blunt) inability to communicate to her husband (Marc Blucas). I loved this movie. It made me want to find 5 friends and start my own Jane Austen Book Club.

Also this week, I had the opportunity to see La Vie En Rose.

I did not get the opportunity to watch the Oscars this year, as I was at rehearsal. I did catch the tail end of them when I got home, but I missed Best Actor/Actress. I had only seen one Best Actress nominee this year, and that was Ellen Page in Juno. Of course, curiosity made me want to see Marion Cotillards performance to see if she was worthy of taking home the statue. While I was not a fan of the movie, I will say that Miss Marion's performance of Edith Piaf is likely the most amazing performance by an actress I have EVER SEEN. She plays the famous heroin-shooting chanteuse from age 17-47, and those last years she portrayed for sure won her the award. She is a phenom. Anyone who can do that kind of performance is a badass. I also think whoever did her make-up is a f-ing genius. Anyone who can take this beautiful woman

And turn her into coked-out, aging this

Is amazing.

Weekend from Hell

2008-02-25T12:16:00.002-06:00

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. And because this is MY blog, I will say what I damn well please. I may run the risk of pissing someone off, but I'll take that chance. I'm not the type of girl to let my emotions eat me alive. If I've learned one thing in therapy, it's to not let that stuff overcome you. You must allow it to come up so you can deal with it. I spent most of my adult life pushing things away emotionally, and it really fucked me up. No more.

I have an ego. Sure. I'm an actor and a singer. It would be silly to think that I don't have one. But I also can concede that, if I don't get a role, it was because someone was better than I, or was better for a role than I was. I have no problems in admitting that. But, here is the thing. The person they chose was not better than me. Eva Peron has to "belt to Jesus", as Derek would say. In musical theatre land, belting to Jesus is equivalent to belting an E. Quite honestly, when it came down to it, I was the only one whose higher register could handle those freakishly high notes without sounding A. like an opera singer trying to sing musical theatre or B. totally screaming and forcing the poor larynx to do things it's incapable of doing.

The thing that really infuriates me is that the person they chose for Eva is the directors wife. Um, nepotism anyone? And how does someone accept that? I know in a day or so, I'll be fine with it. But honestly, how does one do that? This is the reason I fucking hate community theatre. All the politics. This is one reason I miss Cincinnati theatre so much. When I auditioned in Cincinnati, I got a role because I was either the best for the role, or I earned it. I was lucky that, the first show I auditioned for (Side Show with New Stage Collective) in Cincinnati, I was cast as the lead, which opened many doors for me in town with other companies. I'm not saying that I don't want to work for roles in this community. But I will say it's one of the big reasons I've started my own company. So I don't have to think about all the politics and "it's all in who you know". The organization putting on the show has been known, for the 50 years it's been producing shows, to be this kind of organization. If nepotism, politics and pettiness is the way they would like to run it, by all means. I think they tend to alienate many of the most talented people in the QC because of their tactics. It's why The Green Room Theatre gets great actors for their productions. My pal Derek (who runs the Green Room with Tyson) said last night that sometimes, he feels lucky that he gets the "left-overs", because more oft than not it's the most talented people in the area, who've been booma-shammed by the other theatre. I hope the same goes for my company. Left-overs are often much better the next day.

That being said, I'm honestly sort of relieved. I really didn't want to put my life on hold for 6 months. With this twist of fate, Rob and I can still pro-create. I won't have to worry how I'm going to schedule my rehearsals around a crazy Evita schedule. And the best part, I can audition for Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme in Assassins with The Green Room. It's a much less time commitment than Evita would have been... and a better show. I'd rather do Sondheim than Webber any day.

Last night, the boys helped me drown my sorrows in a Whitey's Oreo Malt. We saw this lovely monstrosity in line.

The boys, enjoying Whitey's

My boys again. From Left to Right- Bryan, Derek, Tyson and Dana

It's been a day since I've found out. I worked off most of my frustation (and Whitey's Malt) at the gym this morning. Now that I've written this blog, I already feel better. And if I pissed you off (either for or against my opinion)... heh.

Week in Review

2008-02-24T13:02:00.005-06:00

Spring Break is almost here! I can't wait. Although my Spring Break is only three days long. That's okay. Rob and I are headed to Dubuque and Galena for a few days. We're going to see my pal Megan, visit Clarke (it's been 6 years since I've been back!), shop, snuggle, and generally relax.

Yesterday I auditioned for Evita, which will go up in August. I was called-back for Eva, which is today at 4. I was given 5 songs to learn i.e. Belt. They weren't too difficult, but holy crow does Evita have to wail! I've been instructed by my pal Derek to "Belt to Jesus!" at the callback today. Now that I'm not sick, it will be a pleasure. Will keep you all updated as to what happens.

Of course, if I get the role, baby-making will go on hold until the show is over. That is a terribly demanding role for a non-pregnant woman... can you imagine?! So, really this is a win/win for me. If I get the role, great! If I don't, then we can still make babies, which is just as important. Plus then I'd get to audition for Green Room's Assasins, which goes up in August as well. I could definately get away with playing a preggers Squeaky Fromme.

Last night Rob played with the Augustana Symphony and totally rocked it. I've never, in our 8 years together, seen him play something so demanding and BIG (Mozart Piano Concerto in D minor). It was really quite a sight. We joined Rob's folks and aunt at VI afterward for pie, then home to crash, as he was exhausted.

Auditions for our company are coming up very soon! I can't believe how close it is, only 3 more weeks! Agh!

Nostalgia

2008-02-20T14:36:00.004-06:00

With Spring on the horizon, it makes me long for days past. Since moving home, I have vivid memories of what I would do during the Spring. It's been so cold here these past weeks, and I am ready for May. You know what I'm talking about. Warm breezes. Where you can wear shorts or jeans, short or long-sleeves, and be comfortable.

I don't have a sense of smell. It's true. I know some of you know that. It saddens many, thinking that I can't remember things by their scent. I don't know what my grandmas house smells like. I don't know what baking cookies smells like. Or trees. Or flowers. I think this may be why I have such a vivid memory of certain parts of my life. I remember in the way things look. Or feel. Or taste. I have a great memory of sitting on the porch with my pal Lesley in the spring, watching the cars go by and eating Cheetos. They tasted so orange. And memories of the Fine Arts Picnics that MHS had at Riverside Park. Playing volleyball with Jeff, Gregg Lewis, Les, Bubby. I remember the way the grass felt under my feet. First love at the cemetary with "D" (I'm not telling his name!).

I wonder how many times I've loved someone. I don't include family in that. Spring is always the time for falling in love. It seems everything blooms then, so why not romance? How many relationships start in the Spring? Countless. Is it something in the air? The way the breeze blows. That was always it for me.

Week in Review

2008-02-18T13:58:00.005-06:00

I spent most the week on the couch. Watching TV, movies, Supernatural Season One. The sadness of being ill washed over me. I felt inhuman.

Most unlike me, I had a sore throat from Monday until Friday, when I finally started to get some relief. However, this virus has left me pretty raw and inflamed in my cords. I finally got out of the house on Friday, when Rob and I had lunch with Abbey, Anya and Oliver, then dinner with my parents. Saturday I attempted to teach my musical theatre class. Energy-wise, I was a bit down, but vocally, I was fried. I paid for it yesterday, when my body staged an upheaval, and I was quarantined to the bed/couch most the day.

Today, I am at about 85%. I've been taking some Sudafed, drinking a TON of water, and doing my vocal function exercises. The ladies are still a bit swollen, but at least I can speak today.

Over the course of the week, I watched a lot of TV. And movies. One of my all-time faves is Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Rob and I first saw this when it came out 6-7 years ago, the story of a transexual punk rock girl from East Berlin, who tours with her rock band, playing at TGI Friday-esqe restaurants and telling the story of her ex-rockstar-boyfriend who stole her songs. First a staged play, the independent movie went on to be nominated for a few Oscars (which it should've won ALL of them). The songs, the story of this beautiful heroine touches you in a way you never thought possible. If you think this is a gay camp film, think again. John Cameron Mitchell is freaking amazing in this movie (he also directs). One can find themselves relating to this great protagonist, no matter who or where one comes from. The film is smart, beautiful, and the music rocks. My favorite? The song Origin of Love, where Hedwig talks of how we all used to be attached to one another, back to back, walking around with four arms and four legs. The Gods grew tired of our strength and defiance, and split us down the middle, then scattered us with a hurricane, leaving us constantly searching for our other half. Gorgeous, I'm telling you.

Woe

2008-02-12T16:11:00.000-06:00

As a singer, there is nothing worse than a sore throat.

Ugh. I HATE them. Give me sinus congestion any day. Just, please, not a sore throat.

I woke up Sunday with a teeny tiny sore throat that I thought was from not enough sleep or something. I made it through the Vocal Valentine gig without problems. But when I woke Monday morning, there it was. Like sandpaper in my throat. I went and did my workout, then back home for some Emergen-C, in hopes I could fend it off. It continued on through the day, but not bad enough that I couldn't teach. This morning, swallowing was nearly impossible.

As much as I hated to, I had to cancel my day. If I had any other profession, working would not be a problem. But I'm a voice teacher. Talking for 3 straight hours just isn't in the cards when you have an illness such as this. Wasn't I just sick, too?

I sort of like to equate this sensation as a cheese grater sliding around on my throat. Mmmmmm. Nice. But from what I've been gleaning, so far this winter, everyone I know has been sick twice in a row. Christine, my Kindermusik boss Sheila, many of my students, and of course, Rob. Now me too. Stupid F**KING weather. If it would make up it's mind if it's going to thaw or freeze, maybe we'd all get a freakin' break.

Week in Review

2008-02-10T21:35:00.001-06:00

This has been, quite possibly, the busiest week for both of us in a long, long time. Despite the snow day, we both had a little too much on our plates this week. I've been fighting some sort of dizziness, which leaves me nauseated. Am thinking it could be a residual ear thing from my cold a few weeks back. Who knows. Rob has been fighting the ick, too, and had scholarship auditions this past weekend, which left him drained. We both need a vacation, and we need it soon. The first week of March can't get here soon enough (our spring break!) when we head up to Dubuque and Galena for two days.

Tonight was Vocal Valentine, the Opera QC's fundraiser at The Abbey Station downtown Rock Island. In a beautiful room, the event sold out, and the crowd enjoyed our performances. Especially my Taylor the Latte Boy.

The room at Abbey Station

We did 12 numbers in all, mostly jazz and musical theatre, with a few cabaret tunes thrown in.

Rob and I, decked to the nines.

One of the highlights was to chat with Ron May, president of Opera QC, and my high school music director. As I mentioned a few days ago, Ron is directing the musical Cabaret this spring at MHS, which was my first leading role in a musical 15 years ago, when Ron first came to MHS. What a riot.

Ron and I

Next weekend is my mom and step-dads 25th wedding anniversary, and a big party is on the to-do list. My sister, Lou and Enzo will be down. Also having lunch with Abbey, Anya and Oliver again. Lots of stuff planned this weekend, but a bit more low-key (thank Jayzus).

Lotsa stuff floatin' in my brain

2008-02-09T11:59:00.000-06:00

Found this video over at my pal Blake's blog. Everything I love about the Nati and more. Jeez I really miss it. And Skyline chili. While I do love a good 3-way (no naughty thoughts please, just watch the video), my fave at Skyline will always be the Coney. Will be heading out to Nati in April for Chuck's cabaret that I will be performing in. I can't wait!

Have been attending class at Davenport School of Yoga. Their 9:30 class is for beginners, which I definately am. Pilates gave me a good start in keeping my body limber, but yoga is a whole other animal entirely.

Our instructor, Jeani, is this beautiful, teeny tiny British woman who is so nurturing and wonderful I can't imagine her doing anything else. The class is 75 minutes, and she makes sure she always comes around to every person (about 20 of us in class) to assist in asanas (poses), or just to touch and nurture us. The School is located on the 3rd floor of an old building in downtown Davenport, and is the most beautiful, perfect location. Jeani makes sure everyone knows we're all at different levels, and never pushes us to do anything our body isn't ready to do. She always talks about our "power". That each one of us was born to move. Think about a baby or young child, and you'll see them stretch so far past their toes it's unbelievable. We can come into our power again, as we did as children, and live in the present. I think it's quite fitting for me to be taking this class, considering where I am emotionally. I've definately come into my own power.

Precipitation Breakdown

2008-02-07T17:02:00.001-06:00

I never thought I would be one of those people who would say something like this... but... I'm ready for Spring.

Over the past few weeks, the QC has been dumped on with ice, snow, sleet, freezing rain. You name it, we've gotten it. I do love the snow. I really do. Being born and raised here, I have grown up loving the stuff, as well as knowing how to drive in it. I'm just saying I prefer not to.

The view from our front porch.

Yesterday, it snowed so much that the entire QC shut down. Schools were cancelled, the malls closed. Even Augustana cancelled classes, and apparently that never happens. Rob and I braved it and went over to my parents for a little while before coming back and watching 3 episodes of Supernatural.

Oh boys, how I've missed thee.

I'm ready for warm breezes. For flip flops. Barbeques. Lemonade on the deck with the dogs. Bring it, Mother Earth. PLEASE.

In other news, today I paid off my LAST debt EVER. Not really sure how it feels yet. Unreal. Surreal. Liberating. I ran both Rob and my credit reports, and it seems like we are ready to qualify for a mortgage. Damn my parents for not teaching me about credit!! I made some really dumbass mistakes when I was younger, because I didn't know the importance until it was too late. But my credit is no longer in the toilet, and it makes me very happy. I want a mortgage!!!!

Also, yesterday I had my final therapy session. Walking in there, I didn't know it was to be my last. But my therapist said that after all the hard work I had done, I was ready to live in the present. To experience my joy and my own essence. Boy was she right. I'm the happiest I have ever been.

Week in Review

2008-02-04T14:18:00.000-06:00

After a harrowing feat of awesomeness last Saturday at Champagne on the Rocks, my cold finally departed, still leaving me wasted vocally and physically for about two days. Yuck.

I think most of you know that, for Christmas, I got Rob the Twin Peaks Gold Edition Box set. When Twin Peaks premiered in 1990, I was 12. Needless to say, I wasn't really into the show back then, as I was too busy being awkward and lusting over 7th grade boys. However, it being 18 years later, I was intrigued to finally catch all the episodes, and Rob was pretty stoked I remembered his love of this strange tv phenomenon by David Lynch. Last night, we finally finished the last of all 29 episodes.
First things first- how hot is Kyle MacLachlan in this show? WOW.
Okay, next thing... I was so terribly disappointed with the ending of this show. After they solved the murder of Laura Palmer (episode 16 of 29), the show took this horrible down-turn into all this bullshit about The Black Lodge and The White Lodge. I've done lots of reading about how ABC wanted the creators to cut to the chase finally, and reveal her murderer. But did they fire all the good writers at the same time? Jesus. Sub-plot after horrible the sub-plot, the show really couldn't get any worse. What was with the whole Nadine goes into a coma and wakes up thinking she's 16 thing? Let's not forget to mention horrible actor after horrible actor, too. Lara Flynn Boyle? Really? Ugh. Always crying. And Heather Graham as Annie Blackburn? They couldn't find anyone else? My beef with the ending: I understand they had to tidy up all the ends, considering it was cancelled. But what happened to Pete, Andrew and Audrey after the bomb went off in the bank? It sucked that she didn't get to see Jack Wheeler again (Billy Zane? Totally hot). What happened to Leo? Did he lose his grip on the spiders and drop them all on his head? Did James come back for Donna? Why didn't we find out about Donna's mom and Ben Horne? And the end, with The Black Lodge/White Lodge crap. Why even mention a White Lodge and then not show it to us? Those last scenes in The Black Lodge were so unneccessary. In my opinion, that was just David Lynch being weird for the sake of being weird. I'll Netflix Blue Velvet or Mullholland Drive or some shit if I want that. They should've just ended the damn show when they figured out who killed Laura, and be done with it.

This isn't to say I won't watch Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with me, which comes in my Netflix this week.

Got together with some friends this week to watch Lost. It was fun to watch it with a group of people who are REALLY into it (way more than Rob and I), and to hear their theories about how the show will play out. It was a good episode, but we didn't get too much reveal for a season premiere. Ah well....

And the Super Bowl? Didn't even watch a moment of it this year. I'm not into sports, never have been or will be. I'm 30. I've accepted that this will never change, and frankly, I don't want it to. The older I get, the more I realize I don't want to spend valuble time doing something I hate just to be a part of some kind of bandwagon mentality. I spent it watching a movie I've had sitting around from Netflix, eating string cheese and loving every moment of it. I didn't even watch Tom Petty be an aging rock-star on the half-time show. It was awesome.

I've been working my little arse off this week, getting ready to submit grants for the theatre company. It's not hard, just drudgery. And lots and lots of paperwork, which I hate. But I spoke to my pal Peggy today, who is pre-cast as my Kimberly in Kimberly Akimbo. She is so thrilled and excited to start, which made me thrilled and excited (and I'm realizing scared shitless) to start as well. She mentioned today were auditions for the Moline High School spring musical Cabaret, which she is costuming. It brought back so much nostalgia, as 15 years ago, Cabaret was my first leading-role in a musical. Ah yes... 15 years ago. That makes me feel old. My friend Jeff was also a part of that show, and is a reader of this blog. Feeling old, too, Jeff?

Lastly, my workouts have been stellar. I'm at the Y 4 days a week, taking off Wednesday as I teach ALL DAY and can't fit it in. Saturdays I'm taking a yoga class at Davenport School of Yoga, which reminds me of how un-bendy I am. I'm making progress.

Week in Review

2008-01-27T12:32:00.001-06:00

Dearest readers,

Please accept my apology for being absent this week. I was (and still am) fighting a horrible sore throat, which eventually turned into a sinus thing, which left me nearly incapacitated for the remainder of the week. By Thursday, I was feeling great, but sounding horrible. Note to self- get a humidifier; as a singer, these little machines come in quite handy during cold and flu season.

By Friday, I was still fighting a runny nose, but that didn't stop me from heading out to see Fully Committed at The Green Room Theatre, starring Eddie Staver. Afterward, a huge group of us headed out to the Blue Cat for some drinks and fellowship, which was greatly welcomed. I had a blast chatting with Derek, D, Jeff, Andy Koski, Mike Schultz, Aaron and Jill, etc.. We called it a night around 11:30. I'm getting to old for these late nights, but they sure are fun.

A few weeks back, Rob and I had been asked to participate in WQPT's fundraiser Champagne on the Rocks at The Outing Club in Davenport. I would be singing a few numbers, and Rob would be accompanying me as well as two other singers. My dear friend Bryan sang a few, and the adorable Andrea Prestinario, a Chicago actress and singer, joined us as well. It was a grand affair. Rob wore his tux, as did Bryan, and Andrea and I in our best black evening gowns. The event was attended by the QC elite and very rich, all dressed in their best. We hob-nobbed and met many, including the President of THE National Bank, who went apeshit over our performances.

Andrea, Bryan and I

Us plus Rob

When we began the show with Chicago's All That Jazz, my wireless mic decided then that it wasn't going to work. It wasn't a problem for my first solo number, in which Bryan and I switched mics. But when it came time for my second, a big belty number from Wicked, I headed back out and attempted to sing again with a mic that totally died. As Rob vamped, I peeked my head backstage for a wireless handheld, which as soon as I began singing into it, sent an ugly feedback out into the audience. They all gasped, as did I. I tried once more, again with an awful feeback sent out into the crowd. At that point, I actually said "Screw it", turned off the mic, threw it on the podium, and started singing with no mic. Now, I don't know how many of you have been in the ballroom of The Outing Club, but it's quite a large room, with a gazillion-foot tall ceiling. To be able to sing The Wizard and I from Wicked with no mic, filling that room with my voice while getting over a cold was going to be a challenge. But as soon as I threw that f'ing mic down, the crowd started to applaud. It was a moment I will remember for always. This magical little moment between me and... 150 people. And I tell you what, I nailed that song, and the crowd went apeshit. I definately acquired the BadAss Award last night for my rousing, working-my-ass-off rendition of a huge song while getting over sinus congestion. Afterward, I was exhausted, and ready to crash. It was a great night. Next year, I'm asking for more money.

Next on the agenda, I begin rehearsals for Bryan's new musical, and Rob and I are getting ready to sing for Vocal Valentine on February 10 at The Abbey Station. We can't wait!

Week in Review

2008-01-21T10:33:00.000-06:00

Despite contracting a vicious sore throat over the weekend (where could I have gotten that from??), it has been a lovely week.

Maddy has been fighting hot spots these past two weeks, and desperately needs to be groomed. Because of this, she's been donning the E-collar, or "Hat" as we like to call it. She has grown quite accustomed to it, although I'm sure if she had her druthers, she'd rather not wear it.

Friday night, Rob and I went to The Hat with D. My cousins Matt and Chad own this family restaurant in West Davenport, and we had a blast eating lots of fried stuff before heading over to see a movie.

The three of us met Jeff and Stephanie over at Showcase 53 to catch the opening night of Cloverfield.

For those of you unaware of this new movie, it is from producer J.J. Abrahms (of Alias and Lost fame), and features a cast of unknown actors. The story goes like this: giant monster descends on Manhattan and ravages the city. It drops parasites the size of taxi cabs (that look like giant spiders, ticks, lice, etc.) that attacks and kills it's prey, and it seems that the monster is unable to be killed. The story brings you in as Rob, the main character, is leaving New York for a glamourous job in Japan, and his best friend Hud is filming the goings-on at his going away party. As the city comes under attack, Hud continues to film everything around him, including people getting bit by the giant spiders, folks looting local electronics stores, and the military trying it's damnest to kill the 6-story tall monster. I really quite liked the movie, and I was terrified most of the time. It's hard to watch at times, as if you get motion-sickness, it can surely make you nauseated. But it was great to see a cast of unknown actors, truly horrified at what is happening around them. Because they went with a cast of unknowns, the company was allowed to use all it's money on special and visual effects, and it doesn't disappoint. If you can stand the seizure cam, be sure to check this movie out.

Saturday night, Rob and I spend time with our friends Abbey and Anya, a wonderful lesbian couple who bring their son Oliver to my Kindermusik class. It's been great becoming friends with these two ladies outside of class, as they are an absolute riot. We shared stories over thai food and pound cake, and when I started to feel yucky from my sore throat, we decided to head home. We just love them, and enjoy spending time with them so much!

This morning I woke to hear the phone ringing. The caller ID said "Iowa Call", but I didn't recognize the number. I thought it might be a prospective student, but when I picked up the phone, I heard "So, I hear you're having dreams about me", and immediately knew who it was.

In June of 1996, I met a young man named Dave Mathews. Seriously, the guy's name is Dave Mathews, but with one T instead of two. If you think back, the summer of 1996 was right when The Dave Matthews Band was starting to become a household name, and I thought it was pretty awesome that I had met "Dave Mathews". We had all gone to a swimming party, and Dave was there, diving sideways off of diving boards, screaming at the top of his lungs, and generally making a fool out of himself. I was smitten.

Me, Dave and Kim (college friend) meeting for the first time

The two of us seemed to hit it off, and by the end of the party, he shouted out his phone number at the top of his lungs, and I quickly wrote it down. Three days later, I called him, and we made a date to see a movie. All this time, I never thought of us as getting romantic. Dave was this fun-loving, crazy individual and I just wanted to know him and be his friend. When he picked me up, I was sitting at the dinner table with my folks, and Dave comes barreling down the drive in a huge green truck with the license plate "1 Xtreme". No shit. My parents thought it hysterical, and off we went to see Nicolas Cage in The Rock. I remember it being about a hundred degrees with 100% humidity, so we stopped at Whitey's and picked up some malts, then back to his house to hang out. I had a horrible chest cold, and his adorable mom came out and told us stories about how her mother used to feed them Vicks Vapo-rub as kids. FEED it to them. As the night wore on (which turned into morning), it was apparent that the two of us had some kind of connection, but what?

The summer continued on, we kept hanging out, but nothing ever happened. We would snuggle together, casually date, but he never kissed me. When the summer was over, I was headed back to Clarke, and he back to ISU. We said a lovely good-bye, and promised to keep in touch, which we did, all the time. E-mails, phone calls. Dave was (and still is) a hockey nut, and would often write me with hilarious stories of hockey try-outs at ISU. To know Dave is to love him, anyone who knows him will tell you that. He came up for the Homecoming Dance, where he totally hit it off with all my friends. I had gotten a lead role in the fall musical, and Dave had told me he would be unable to attend. Opening night, I looked down, and there he was, in the front row. I nearly had a nervous breakdown right on stage seeing him sitting down there, a giant smile on his face. It was this weekend that he confessed to have strong feelings for me. I was a young 19, confused in my feelings for him, and unsure of what to do, as I was also feeling strong feelings for another boy I was in school with (who I ended up dating for a year).

The years went by, both or one of us always in a relationship with someone else. Our timing sucked. There would be times when we'd see and talk to each other every day. Then we wouldn't talk for years, and it turned out we hadn't spoken in 5 years. 3 years ago, while living in Cincinnati, I decided to write a letter and send it to his parents house in Moline. I knew it would eventually get to him. A few months later, I received an email from him. He was in the Army, stationed in Afghanistan. We emailed like crazy for many months, then he sort of dropped off the map. Rob and I moved to California, then we moved here. I tried emailing him again, and finally, a response. At this point, I had no idea where he was, what he was doing. We had invited him to our Christmas party, and I received an email that he couldn't make it, but that he was teaching at West High School and living in Davenport. All this time, he had been out of the Army and living here in town. I was thrilled. I emailed him last week, telling him he made an appearance in my dream and asking him to call me. And lucky me, after all these years, I finally got a phone call this morning.

To this day, there is this unspoken... "Thing" between us. We're both married ( I more happily than he, I think), have grown to be strong and interesting adults, but it doesn't matter. There was, and always will be, a strong connection between us. We went so many years of trying to work things out, to be together, but with both of us living so far apart during our college years, it just never happened. And then it was relationships, for both of us. Dave is one of my biggest regrets. To think I stayed in one relationship, and gave up the thought of having one with Dave, to be heartbroken in the end. What an idiot I was. And I know there is a part of me that will always love him. That will always swoon when I see him or hear his voice or hear him tell some crazy story. That every time we talk on the phone, it will be a little strange. Like there is something one of us wants to say to the other. The feeling is what's called sexual tension. If I know one thing, it is that.

I know we will see each other again soon. It's been 7 years seen we've laid eyes on each other. That is way too long. I can't wait to see my friend again. It will be sweet.

33

2008-01-16T15:11:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday, love of my life.

Sweating is fun!

2008-01-16T11:02:00.000-06:00

Monday morning, I joined the Moline YMCA. I used to belong there, many years ago, and it has changed dramatically. The Moline Y is three floors of working out nirvana, complete with a Wellness Center (huge room with LOTS of cardio equipment and weight training), a walking track, a jogging track, 4 racquetball courts, 1 Olympic-sized swimming pool and a smaller "warm" pool, and classes beyond the imagination, those which include pilates, yoga (acid yogurt, Kev?), cycling (can't call it Spinning, as it's trademarked), aerobics, aquatics classes, and much more. This morning I attended my first "Body Sculpt" class, an hour of burning calories and building muscle tone. I was one in a sea of 25 women, all listening to this really horrible dance mix tape of 70's songs like "Saturday Night", "I think I love you", and "Car Wash", among many others. Claudia, our nice albeit socially-inept instructor (why is she teaching??) led us through an hour of intense work for our arms, legs and abs. Here is what I've gleaned from my workouts so far...

-After two years of pilates training at home, my abs, or "core" as they call it now, is fucking rock hard. I pretty much rock at all the ab work.
-My lower and upper extremities are not rock hard. Quite frankly, I'm pretty weak there. Damn pilates!
-4 pound weights are too light for some things. 8 are just right.
-Don't sit next to the really fat lady who can't sit Indian style. She grunts the whole workout and looks really depressed.
-Elliptical machines are awesome. I used these at the gym I belonged to in Cincinnati. As I get older, my knees begin to hurt. These machines take all the pressure off the joints.
-My digestive system has never felt better.
-I haven't slept this good in weeks.
-I can eat more!
-I love my MP3 player. AC/DC's Back in Black is a great song to workout to. So are the B 52's.
-Cardio theatre's kick ass. Now I can watch Mythbusters AND Cash Cab while I workout. Woot!

Why did I wait so long to join?? Who knows. It is definitely worth the $36 dollars a month, which is only one hour of teaching. And I don't feel weird working out there. In Cincinnati, the gym I belonged to was filled with meathead jocks and women who had showered, done their hair and their makeup before coming to the gym. Blech. At the Y, it's everyday people, all trying to accomplish something. Staying/getting fit, losing weight, making friends, feeling good about themselves. All with either a middle that's too big, back fat they're trying to rid of, or something of the like. That's what I like. The camaraderie. The sense of all of us together, working toward a goal.

There is one thing... I look alright naked. No, I'm not being an asshole when I say that. Sure, there are things about my naked body I wouldn't mind changing. A little more meat on my ass. A little less meat on my thighs (damn Irish genes). But all in all, I feel pretty good being naked. However... I would NEVER feel comfortable walking around nude in a women's locker room. EVER. I'm not being a prude. It's JUST WEIRD. That's all I'm saying. Maybe it's a generational thing. Because all the ladies that were in the locker room naked today were over the age of 70 (um, gross?). I think it's great that they are comfortable enough to do that, as I said, I'm not. But have the decency to realize that some people are uncomfortable with your being comfortable. Cover yourselves up, for christ's sake!

Drunk History

2008-01-14T15:30:00.000-06:00

Funny shit. Featuring the brilliant Michael Cera from Superbad and Juno (which is the best movie I've seen in the last year. Go see it).

Week in Review

2008-01-13T11:31:00.001-06:00

Lovely week, honestly. Getting back to teaching was welcome, as sitting around for two weeks doing nothing was getting to be quite boring. My students were all happy to see me, and I started three new ones just this past week! Go me. I start two more new ones this coming week. I am excited to get to meet them and start working.

Thursday night was the reading of Take Me Out at the River Music Experience downtown Davenport. My seven guys were on fire, totally awesome and looked really hot in their black shirts and jeans. Yowza. It was a small-ish crowd of maybe 20-30 people. While I like and admire the AD of New Ground Theatre, publicizing her events is not one of her strong suits. Ah well, I didn't care much, as I could tell the guys were having a great time on stage, and the audience was enjoying it as well. After the show, we all headed over to the Blue Cat for some grub and beers.

After many years of waiting, Rob and I finally made it back over to Jim's Rib Haven in downtown Rock Island. It was well worth the wait for those back ribs, fries and baked beans. If you're ever in town for a visit, ask us to take you. It is an experience like no other.

Saturday, I started my Musical Theatre class with New Ground. What was supposed to be 12 kids turned out to be 16! Holy crap! They are great kids, all between the ages of 9 and 15. For 8 weeks, they'll learn how to sing and act on stage while learning a song from Wicked. I could tell they really enjoyed the song choice, and I look forward to seeing them all again next weekend!

Last night, Rob and I headed over to Music Guild to watch one of my students compete in the Miss Rock River Valley Outstanding Teen pageant (that's a mouth full). 14 young ladies competed for 4 different titles. Out of the 14, only about 5 girls sang. Sydney, my student, played the piano, and totally rocked it. All those other girls desperately needed a vocal coach! Sydney ended up placing as 1st runner up, which made her mom happy. She said "She didn't win, but she didn't lose". Quite true. Afterward, we met Bryan, D and Sheri down at Copia for some adult beverages, then adjourned over to the Blue Cat to meet all the Green Room folks for more adult beverages and good conversation. It's so nice to have a group of pals. We actually have a social life again!

Next week, looking forward to joining the Y (part of that taking care of myself physically resolution), starting those new students, and dinner with Abbey and Anya again. More later...

Being Aware

2008-01-10T10:29:00.000-06:00

In Stephen Sondheim's Company, there is a beautifully written song called "Being Alive". It ends the show as Bobby, the lead character, realizes his life up to this point has all been for nothing, and he begins to understand who and what he is. He realizes he doesn't want to be a womanizing commitment-phobe for the rest of his life, and tells the audience he is ready to live his life without fear of allowing himself to feel.

I hemmed and hawed the last few days, on whether or not I wanted to post something this...close to me. But I remembered something my pal Thurm put on his blog, and that was that he writes on his blog for himself, not for others. I know every single soul who reads this blog. Yes, Anonymous poster still reads my blog. Anonymous poster checks my blog every day. Why, I am unsure, considering the contempt they hold for me. That doesn't matter to me. My blog took the place of a written journal many moons ago. Because I can share it with people allows me to, like Bobby, live my life without fear of feeling. In my 30 years, I've begun to realize that sharing yourself with others is what makes you strong, not hiding who you are.

Since October, I've been seeing a therapist. Life coach. Whatever you want to call her. I'm open. Anyway, she is a wonderfully grounded woman who has taught me to see my life through visual imaging. By picturing things in your mind, and allowing yourself to feel your feelings while doing so, you can let go. It may sound a little new-agey to you, but I'm telling you, it works. For instance, I have two horrible memories of something my father's second wife (my siblings mother) did to me when I was very young. No, it was nothing physical, so don't go thinking that. But she was not very accepting of me, her husbands daughter from his first marriage. She never understood me, and for that, I pity her. But as a child, if not given the kind of love and understanding so desperately needed, a child begins to think they are unlovable. While in session, my therapist helped me to rid of both those memories. She helped me to go to that dark place that I was keeping all of those ugly things, and to set them free.

In sessions, I started to have a deeper understanding of who I am. What kind of parents I had, where I've come from. I've learned to accept the past for what it is. You may think that is easy, but it surely hasn't been. It took me this long to get my head on straight. Many of you know, but some of you don't, that Rob and I nearly broke up our marriage twice. Both times, it was because of me. For so long, I pushed his love for me away because deep down, I believed I was unworthy of it. For me, loving him is allowing him to love me. Sounds strange, I know, but if you think about, it makes perfect sense.

Being aware is like nothing I've ever felt. For most of my life, I walked around in a haze of confusion. I always felt like I was waiting for something to happen. I was always wanting more, always wanting to understand myself better. I've said it a hundred times, but I'll say it again. When you're finally ready to dig deep, to uncover all the ugliness inside of you, that is when you will truly begin to understand who you are. I know dealing with all the shit that happened in my childhood is why I am where I am right now. My father's absence from my life. My wicked stepmother (the first one, anyway. The second is a doll). My mother and stepfathers struggles to raise two children of broken marriages. As soon as I realized the kind of burden carrying all this crap was, and what it was doing to me, setting it down was all I could do. And then walking away.

Sure, there are still things I deal with on a daily basis. My father is still absent from my life. There is a part of me that realizes this might never change. That while I am equipped to deal with what his absence has done to my life, he may not be. That is the reality of the situation, and I am okay with that. I don't know what the future will bring. When Rob and I have a child, will this change? I don't know. But I've learned not to expect change. Only to accept. That is a big step for me.

So, as Bobby says, someone has made me aware of being alive. With the help of fabulous woman, all along, it was me.

D!!!!!!!!

2008-01-07T10:06:00.001-06:00

Happy Birfday, D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Week in Review

2008-01-05T11:11:00.000-06:00

Again let me say Happy New Year to all my friends and readers. Our last week of vacation has been quite an eventful one. We spent the New Year holiday with the Prenzies, ate out way too much, and spent a lovely afternoon with Abbey and Anya.

In addition, I got two phone calls this week, asking me to perform in various things in the next coming months. First, Rob and I have been asked by the Development Director of WQPT (our local PBS tv station) to perform in their annual fundraising gala called Champagne on the Rocks at the end of January. I am greatly looking foward to it, as it's a great way to network and meet new people (i.e. donors??) for the theatre company, as well as get to perform again! Plus it's at the ritzy Outing Club (zatzie country club) in Davenport. Who wouldn't want to?

Also got a call from my pal Bryan, who's just recently finished writing a musical. It will get a concert staging at The Green Room Theatre at the beginning of March, and Bryan asked me to take on the role of the "belty free-spirit". I of course said yes!! I sounds like it will be a great time, and another chance for me to start performing in the QC.

Last night was the annual Prenzie Players Twelfth Night Fundraising Gala. Rob and I were so excited to attend and support our friends. Included was a spread of amazing food and drink, a silent auction, live music, and two live-action scenes played out by the Prenzies. The first was an adorable scene from the upcoming Taming of the Shrew, and the second, an awesome swordfight from Romeo and Juliet, where Aaron and D did some awesome combat.

Jake playing his didgeridoo

The folk milling about the room

Jake, Mags and some random dude with a camera (I think it's Matt Moody's kid)

Rob and D

Rob and I

Toward the end of the evening, the Prenzies sang a beautiful rendition of Dona Nobis Pacem, in full-part harmony, that is still running through my head.

We stayed late into the night, probably the last to go that wasn't an actual company member, at 12:30am. The party was to end at 11. Ah well, we had such a great time. I was able to hob-nob with other actors, got to meet Tyson Danner of The Green Room Theatre (finally!), as well as Mike Schultz, the theatre critic for the River Cities Reader. The Prenzies made out pretty well last night, getting away with $60 of our money, and LOTS of donations from the rest of the crowd. We enjoy being with those guys so much. What a great crowd!

Coming up in the next week, I'm directing the staged reading of Take Me Out for New Ground Theatre, and Sunday I'm having all 7 guys (90% of them Prenzies) over to the house for dinner and the read-through. Am excited to get to work with them all. And of course, back to teaching next week, which I'm ready for. This many weeks off can make a person go nuts.

2008

2008-01-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

It started out with a bang. We were able to spend an evening with some great friends, Aaron and Jill, and the rest of the Prenzies. It was a low-key affair, sitting around on couches in the basement, feasting on baklava and meatballs, and chatting late into the night. Some highlights of the party were Jake dropping an entire cheesecake down the basement stairs, turning dates into "Dacon", Jeff's "Cheese Crotch", JC's "Year of Cheering" and at midnight, dropping the cheesecake onto the basement floor. We didn't have a giant ball topped with lights. We stayed until I could barely keep my eyes open at 1:30am. It was our first New Years in a long time that we spent with a group of friends rather than just ourselves. We had a supreme blast.

Yesterday, Rob and I had been invited to spend the afternoon with Abbey and Anya, this divine lesbian couple who brings their son Oliver to my Kindermusik class. They have a wonderful story and an amazing relationship together. We arrived at their fantastic house in the Broadway district of Rock Island, and Rob was immediately fallen in love with by the two women. Oliver, who is nearing 14 months, was such a flirt and happy to see us. Within the half hour, Rebecca and Brian showed up with their twins, Logan and Olivia (also in my Kindermusik class). We spent a few hours chatting, playing with the kids, and snacking on cheese and crackers. Abbey makes a mean cup of coffee.

Oliver and mama, Anya

Rob and Logan, watching the birds and squirrels on the birdfeeder

Rob and the twins

Oliver and Logan

By 5pm, all the kids were getting tired, and Oliver was ready for bed. We said a reluctant goodbye, as Rob and I felt a great connection to Abbey and Anya. When we returned home, we had a lovely message from Anya, saying how much they loved Rob and how they think he's going to make a great Dad someday, and how much they enjoy having us as their friends. See? I'm already cultivating a new friendship. What a great couple!

Pretty Good Year

2007-12-31T10:59:00.000-06:00

Tori Amos is a genius. Granted, over the last few years, she's gotten a little.... wacky, I guess is the proper term. But she wrote a song included on her 1994 album Under the Pink entitled Pretty Good Year. When I gave my first vocal recital in 9 years this past November, I included the song on the program, and even named my recital "Pretty Good Year". I wanted to show just how much I had grown since New Years Eve 2006. This has probably been the most eventful year of my life, no doubt about that. So much has happened in my life, physically, mentally and emotionally. And now it's time to recount it all.

Since a year ago today, I overcame a pretty nasty bout of depression. Stemming from who knows what while living in California (no theatre, no singing, no students, no sunshine, no culture), what Kevin calls the Green Monster was long gone by June. It wasn't nearly as bad as my bout with the Green Monster back in 2000/2001, but still unpleasant.
That being said, I overcame a pretty nasty 11 months on the humid, chilly, dirty, rainy coast of California. I never miss it. Oh sure, I miss San Francisco, and wine country, but never Humboldt County.
Living in California was horrible and wonderful, all rolled into one little package. It's like Kels says, sometimes you need all that quiet to hear what your soul is trying to tell you. She was right. I tried so long to fight what was screaming at me. Once I accepted it, my life has never been so full, so awake. I found myself there, in every sense of that idea. I began to realize owning your own ugliness and beauty is what makes you who you are. For this, I will never regret those 11 months on the coast.

Rob and I at Sebastiani Winery, Sonoma, CA

In addition, I focused on my marriage. The majority of what stood in our path as a couple was me owning up to who and what I was. I still see a life coach, every few weeks. She has brought me to a level of understanding I could never fathom. She has helped me to understand that I cannot change my past. That I am only in control of my own feelings and emotions, and that I am not at fault for the way my childhood turned out. Because of this, I realized I am free. I accept who my parents are, who I am. This has allowed me to understand and love my relationship with my husband.

Last night in CA

I feel like the year was chopped in half. That I lived two lives over the course of these 12 months. And it's true, I kind of did. Once we returned to the QC from California, life became disjointed and confusing for a few months. I never truly felt like I "lived" here until early November. After living away from this place for 5 years, each time I had come home I was just visiting. I felt "just visiting" for many months. I started teaching at my home studio at the end of August, and my studio has grown nicely since. In Septemeber, I incorporated my theatre company. In October, I filed for non-profit status, and by the beginning of November, we were granted that status.
A few days after getting back to town, I was honored by being asked to take part in New Stage Collective's production of The Last Five Years. I found it fitting, having been away from the QC for 5 years, and having grown as a person those 11 months in CA, to be able to take on the role of Cathy with my dear friend Michael Shawn. It was my first time on stage in 15 months (since Chess), and I relished each and every moment of those 90 minutes with Michael, Alan, and the orchestra.

Performing in The Last Five Years, August 2007

It was also a year of great friends. The older I get, the more I realize how wonderful each and every friend of mine is to me. Chuck, Charlie, Matt, Jason, Mark, B, D, the Prenzies, Ann, Les, Kels. The list is longer than I can even imagine. I was so lucky to reconnect with old friends this year, like Courtney, Matt Timion, Tracy from college. You guys are my rock, so important, and I'm glad to have you in my life.

The boys at Matt and Jason, watching a male sex change via internet.

The most important change of this year is that Rob and I are trying to have a baby. I always saw myself as a mom, but never really thought I would be ready. I had a lot of emotional bullshit to hack through before I was ready to tackle this role. As I mentioned above, I did a lot of good work this year, which allowed me to feel physically, emotionally and mentally ready for this huge ordeal. No babies yet. You know, once I'm ready to divulge that information, it will be posted on this blog.

Important resolutions and tasks for 2008?
Get pregnant
Take care of myself physically (emotionally, I'm ready!)
Pay off my LAST debt (yahoo!)
Buy a house
Have a fun/successful first season with the theatre company
Cultivate my friendships, old and new

Happy New Year, my friends and readers.

The holiday

2007-12-28T19:24:00.000-06:00

No, not that awful movie with Kate Winslet and Jack Black, I mean the one that has just passed.

How was yours? Ours was just fine. Despite Rob having a horrible chest cold, and my Dad also getting sick, we still had a pretty nice couple of days. This was the first time in 7 years that Rob and I actually bought presents for each other. Oh sure, we always did for the families, but never for us. We've been starving grad students up until just recently, so it just wasn't ever an option. I ended up getting Rob the Gold Edition DVD box set of the tv show Twin Peaks. Remember that show? Rob went apeshit over it when he opened it up, so I knew I had done well. Rob got me a mish-mash of stuff, but the best was the DVD box set of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I went apeshit, too, as I am a huge LOTR fan. I pretty much haven't left the basement, or my pajamas, in three days, as I've been on the couch watching them all. My folks got us a wine fridge, which was the cream of the crop for gifts this year.

Oh yeah, and we had a nice time with our families, too. Teehee.

We had a beautiful, heavy snow this morning, which left the entire QC snowed in (bode well for watching The Two Towers today). Here is the beautiful snow-covered tree in our front yard.

As far as New Years goes, we will be spending it with our dear friends the Prenzies, at Aaron and Jill's place. We are splendidly happy we have made a nice group of friends since our return to the QC. All of them are such wonderful people, and have accepted us as their own. We are thrilled to be able to spend the New Year holiday with all of them. We had planned to make the journey to Cincinnati, but it is going to have to wait a while. We miss our Nati friends very much, but isn't that what that song Auld Lang Syne is all about? Remembering old friends, but welcoming new ones, too? Ah, who knows.

Week in Review/The worst pies in London

2007-12-23T15:20:00.001-06:00

With two days until Christmas, Rob got a pretty nasty cold. He is functioning, but still a might bit pathetic. Ah, but who I am to say, as I'm the biggest baby when I have a cold.

Rob and I finally finished all the shopping on Friday, and made it over to Mike and Dennis' Christmas party (Mike is the Vice President of Augie, and Dennis teaches in the music department). It was another night of standing around being awkward with people I didn't know, but David and Carrie where there with their two kids (they both also teach in the music department), so it's always nice to see them.

Yesterday, we decided to brave the rain and head out to see Sweeney Todd. Now, the majority of you who read this blog are probably actors, too, so just bear with me for a moment. I am a huge Stephen Sondheim fan. Being a musical theatre girl, and practically raised on his stuff, I tend to think Sondheim shits gold when it comes to musical theatre. I also am of the belief that Sondheim is musical theatre for smart people. His writing is art, not fluff like most of the shit that comes off Broadway these days. Now, it also depends on the show, whether or not it's good. He seemed to hit his stride in the 70's into the mid 80's. Most after that I could pass on. But when Sweeney Todd came down the pike, it was the stuff of legend. Based on the story of a wrongly-imprisoned barber who seeks revenge on the man who put him away, stole his wife and took in his daughter for his own, it was the stuff only a composer/lyricist could make work on the stage. Now, nearly 30 years later, the magical Tim Burton has brought it to life on the screen. Starring Johnny Depp at Todd, it was really quite a sight to behold. While I truly loved the film, there were many moments that I really didn't like. Depp's voice was quite good, and I was afraid we were going to see a Rex Harrison version of pitter-patter talk instead of the actual sung lines. His portrayal of Sweeney Todd, acting-wise, beat out any singing, however. Helena Bonham Carter (who I love!!) was brilliant as Mrs. Lovett. Not a singer by any means, she was fantastic as the woman who owns the pie shop under the flat which Mr. Todd resides. I hope all actors out there who can at least carry a tune see this movie, so they understand that it isn't always about how good you sound, but how you give life to the song. Alan Rickman, who always plays the bad guy, is Judge Turpin, the man who wrongly imprisons Todd 15 years prior. The thing is, I didn't get that bad/creepy vibe from him. He wasn't nearly as bad or creepy as Timothy Spall, who plays Beadle, the evil sidekick to Turpin (Spall is also always the evil sidekick in EVERY MOVIE). And as much as I adore Rickman in every movie I've ever seen him in, he just shouldn't sing. Many songs were cut, of course, because this is a movie after all, and plot needs to be moved along. I was glad to see they didn't cut "Green Finch and Linnet Bird", sung by Todd's daughter Johanna. However, considering the actress Burton got to play her, they should have. The child who plays Tobias, or Toby, was quite good, and man could that kid sing! Burton did an amazing job creating the dark and "shit" filled London. In Burton fashion, lots of creepy, dark CGI, barely any color with the exception of the red blood (at times, a bit too gory). All in all, it was very entertaining, and I understand it's a difficult thing to do, create such a masterpiece in the theatre and transfer it to film. You're bound to lose some of the magic.

It's been a while since I've included some pics of the babies. Ike and Maddy are the best of buds now, and I seriously mean that. When I'm playing with Ike and Maddy seems to think it's too rough, she'll bust in and try to reprimand me with her teeth. Ike is healthy (at last) due to his thyroid medication, and his hair has finally grown in. He looks like a dog, an alien no longer. He is so calm and mellow now, and we feel it's because he realizes this is his home now. We sure hope so, anyway!

I love the wink.

Maddy

Look at this. Sitting next to a chewie and no fighting!

Extreme close-up Ike.

Bullsh*t

2007-12-20T23:48:00.001-06:00

Sleep eludes me. It's been weeks since this comes.

I know why, too. I can't turn my brain off. The entire score to The Last Five Years is running through my head, all at once. It's an exciting time for my little fledgling company. The time has finally come for things to start happening, and they are. Where were you when this happened to you? What were you doing when you realized that something you've planned and waited most of your adult life for is currently unfolding before your very eyes? It's a pretty delightful prospect, when this happens. I am enjoying each and every blissful moment of it.

Planning and executing a theatre company took about 3 years of research, being a sponge with every company I've ever worked with, taking notes, observing. I was ready for this. In every possible way, I was ready. And now, I watch in awe as plans unfold. I make connections every day, that send me reeling into the Promised Land, and I think "How lucky can I get?". I then have to remind myself of the hard work that went into it. Incorporating, applying for non-profit status. That wasn't a walk in the park.

I wait. I plan. My head reels. So sleep does not come. Knowing tomorrow I have a meeting to plan my first season, I'm like a kid at Christmas. Wanting sleep so badly to get to tomorrow faster. Yet I can't close my eyes.

Tonight was the Augustana Smorgasbord, a yearly tradition in which faculty and staff are invited to a buffet dinner, to witness the Sankta Maria and choir sing, then a visit from Santa for the children of the college employees. Rob was asked to play during the telling of the birth of Jesus, so our dinner was free.

Sue, Kai, and Kai's mom Lorine

Kai, who works in the President's office, was accompanying his mom Lorine and her friend Sue. This was the liveliest group we could have imagined, and loved every moment sitting with these three. Over a plate of potato sausage, Lorine educated us on the proper way of eating these honkin' things- the "toothpaste" method, she called it. "Just squeeze it!". She was a riot. After dessert, the choirs came in and sang, then it was upstairs for the kids festivities.

Look at this little cutie. She was into everyone's business.

Dancing to Rob's "Jingle Bells"

Rob at the piano in the elf hat- appropriate?

A visit from Santa

Maybe I'll try to sleep now. We'll see.

The Meaning of Christmas

2007-12-20T09:26:00.000-06:00

I've been reading blogs recently, about what people think of the impending holiday. One wrote about the time he found out there was no Santa Claus. One wrote about having to work on both Christmas Eve as well as Day.

Like Kevin, I'm tired of hearing the question "Are you ready for Christmas yet?". Just what does that mean? Am I ready for what? Most of the Christmas presents have been purchased and wrapped, is that what you mean? I mostly think, when someone asks me, if I myself am ready for a day of spending time with people I'd rather pass on. I love both my and Rob's family, but sometimes, it's just too much. There is always a big to-do, it takes 900 years for everyone to open presents when all you want to do is go drink a bottle of Syrah and play Trivial Pursuit (no wine for me this year, trying to grow a baby soon). And the small talk. The fucking small talk! Jayzus.

What does Christmas make you feel? I think that is the true meaning. Christmas makes me feel warm, nostalgic for the days when all of my mothers' family would gather on Christmas Eve. We don't anymore, as the grandparents are too old and cranky. We're starting to make our own traditions, which is fine, too. For me, Christmas should be about companionship, and being with the ones you truly love.

I love seeing all this stuff online or in the news, about how Christmas is the time of year when you "think of others, not yourself". What a crock. Why should that be just at Christmas? Why can't we "think of others" year round, strive for peace the other days of the year instead of just one and then go back and start hurting each other again?

And of course, we celebrate Christmas because it was the birth of Jesus. From my knowledge and readings, Jesus was actually born sometime in early Spring (why would shepherds be working in the winter??), and before Christianity became the huge thing back in the day, people celebrated not Christmas, but the Winter Solstice and the pagan Saturnalia, to appease the God of Agriculture, Saturn. By the Middle Ages, Christianity had, for the most part, replaced those pagan religions. On Christmas, believers would attend church, then would celebrate raucously in a drunken, carnival-like atmosphere similar to today's Mardi Gras. Each year, a beggar or student could be crowned the "lord of misrule" and eager townfolk played the part of his subjects. The poor would go to the houses of the rich and demand their best food and drink. If owners failed to comply, their visitors would likely terrorize them with mischief. Christmas became the time of year when the upper classes could repay their real or imagined "debt" to society by entertaining less fortunate schlubs. My guess? This is where we get the presents from.

As far as Santa is concerned, the Norse used to believe that Odin(man I love that guy- I wonder how many times I'll post about him on this blog?) made nocturnal flights through the night sky to observe his followers, then decide who would prosper, and who would perish ("He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice").

Ah leave it to an Atheist to spread the word of Paganism at this joyous time of year.

Whatever it is you celebrate, I do hope it's a good holiday with your friends and loved ones. Happy ChristmasKwanzaKuh.

A case of the randoms....

2007-12-18T19:43:00.001-06:00

It's been a nice couple of days, my friends, since the boys left town.

Have been corresponding like mad with my new pal Tristan. He is so fabulously talented and I'm quite sure he's the most modest of tenors I've ever met. Did you see the video I posted? Yah. He's quite possibly the best smelling, most talented young man I've met in years. Plus he's easy on the eyes. We are chatting over coffee this week on how the two of us can get to work together within the next few months, which we're hoping won't be too terribly difficult.

After Saturday night's cabaret, Rob and I have been asked to be the entertainment for Quad City Opera's Vocal Valentine, their annual Valentine's Day soiree over at The Abbey Station downtown Rock Island. Ron May, my high school choir director, was so impressed with Rob and I, apparently he ran right to his good friend Angela (who runs Opera QC) and said he had to have us for that night. We of course said yes, as it pays nearly the monthly rent on our house! HELLO?!

In other news, I get a text from Chuck today that says "I applied for AT&T in Davenport", which made me promptly call his ass and say "WTF??". Yes, Chuck loved the QC so much, he's thinking of moving here. Chuck is in desperate need of change in his life, and he's got it in his head that this is the place he'd like to try. I'm game! Pack your shit up, honey, and come on down!

Things are happening, folks. It felt sort of stagnant for a few months. For me, at least. Now? Life is happening all around me. And I'm electric just thinking about it.

Week in Review

2007-12-17T08:17:00.001-06:00

Braving the elements of the horrendous snow this weekend, my boys both made it in safe and sound. Kevin was the first to arrive Friday night, treating Rob and I to chinese food. We adjourned to the basement for brownies and conversation, then Chuck finally arrived from Nati late in the evening. It was the first time these two boys had met, after becoming friends via Myspace over 8 months ago. I was so thrilled to have both of them here, with me, in the same house!!

Saturday the boys came with us to hear my students perform in the academy recital (which was fabulous by the way), before heading back out into the blizzard the QC was fighting through. I was a bit nervous, considering the cabaret was scheduled for the evening.

The Cabaret? Flawless performances from my dear friends. We had a small crowd, probably due to the snowstorm, but still managed to make $100!!! Yahoo! I had a blast hearing my new friends perform, and after the show was finished, my high school choir director popped in and asked for an encore. It was so great to see him, and for him to hear me sing after 12 long years. Tristan also sang a little diddy, and Steph and Mags sang their duet again. Gang at the Cabaret

Here is a video of Tristan rocking Jamie. I didn't get the whole thing, but he still sounds like melted butter.

Kev took off Sunday morning, leaving Chuck, Rob and I to head out for mexican food late in the afternoon. Chuck experienced his first visit to Blaine's Farm and Fleet, which should always be experienced after a few margaritas. D popped by later for lasagna and wine, and we all called it a day at about 11pm. Chuck just left a while ago, and now it's back to the grind. What a great weekend!