Find my new writing home at jazzfiend1000.wordpress.com.
Please be warned- if you don't like negativity, harsh words, or just plain rantings, then don't read. I DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, want comments telling me that "everything is okay", or "do you need to talk?". This is a new blog dealing with different experiences than this blog, so please, just deal!
That is all. See you on wordpress!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Winning the Battle of the Bulge
Date started Weight Watchers: January 7, 2009
Weight loss to date: 7.4 pounds
I thought today, as I stepped on the scale at weigh-in, about my progress on Weight Watchers this time. When I did WW in 2002-2003, I lost 20 pounds to be slim for my wedding. Which I was. And then slowly over the years since, I put all of it back on. I got comfortable. I got lazy. Or busy.
So when I stepped up there today and saw I had only lost 0.8, I was a little disappointed. But then I realized something that caught me at the grocery store last week.
I like to think of my weight loss in terms of food. Like "how many cans of soda have I lost?" or "how many steaks have I lost?".
In that respect, I've lost 30 sticks of butter.
Go to the grocery store and pick up a five pound bag of potatoes. Add 2.4 pounds to THAT. That's a lot of extra stuff to be carrying around on your body. And I'm glad to be rid of it.
I'm now in the gym 6 days a week. For real. I take Tuesdays off, as it's my weigh-in day, and I just give myself a little break.
I'm also back at Pilates, and hopefully, when summer comes, Rob and I will be back in a yoga class.
I don't drink alcohol, or regular soda anymore. I don't snack at parties (unless I'm REALLY hungry). I choose wisely when we dine out.
The big differences are in the way I look and feel. I can always tell I'm losing weight because my knees and wrists become much more bony again. My thighs have lost most of the cellulite that clung to them. I've dropped a pant size. My waist is getting tiny, and my face is looking slim. The best part, I feel great.
Why haven't I'd been this good to myself in the past?
Weight loss to date: 7.4 pounds
I thought today, as I stepped on the scale at weigh-in, about my progress on Weight Watchers this time. When I did WW in 2002-2003, I lost 20 pounds to be slim for my wedding. Which I was. And then slowly over the years since, I put all of it back on. I got comfortable. I got lazy. Or busy.
So when I stepped up there today and saw I had only lost 0.8, I was a little disappointed. But then I realized something that caught me at the grocery store last week.
I like to think of my weight loss in terms of food. Like "how many cans of soda have I lost?" or "how many steaks have I lost?".
In that respect, I've lost 30 sticks of butter.
Go to the grocery store and pick up a five pound bag of potatoes. Add 2.4 pounds to THAT. That's a lot of extra stuff to be carrying around on your body. And I'm glad to be rid of it.
I'm now in the gym 6 days a week. For real. I take Tuesdays off, as it's my weigh-in day, and I just give myself a little break.
I'm also back at Pilates, and hopefully, when summer comes, Rob and I will be back in a yoga class.
I don't drink alcohol, or regular soda anymore. I don't snack at parties (unless I'm REALLY hungry). I choose wisely when we dine out.
The big differences are in the way I look and feel. I can always tell I'm losing weight because my knees and wrists become much more bony again. My thighs have lost most of the cellulite that clung to them. I've dropped a pant size. My waist is getting tiny, and my face is looking slim. The best part, I feel great.
Why haven't I'd been this good to myself in the past?
Friday, March 13, 2009
Acceptance
Hello, gentle reader.
It's been too long since I've written. But honestly, I haven't felt much like writing.
The winter included some very dark months for me, literally and figuratively. I wasn't myself, from about November until February, when I slowly started to come out of my cocoon of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Weight Watchers, visits to Lucia, and 5x/week visits to the gym have helped to clear my mind and allow me to function in the world again.
If you will allow me to get personal, I will inform you that the general malaise over the past months is because of our inability to conceive a baby. I was tired of every woman I know conceiving and not me. So, I disappeared from the world for a while. I sat many nights at home, alone (Rob was at school), thinking about our predicament, not speaking to anyone for months. Fielding negative thoughts (they were many in number) and trying to get around the inevitable question..."What if we CAN NOT conceive?"
I decided to no longer be a victim of my own negativity. I called my doctor. She is a WONDERFUL doctor. For the first time in my life, I feel that I have a physician who actually listens to my concerns, doesn't interrupt with her thoughts, and generally cares about my well-being. Plus, having gold-plated health care does help.
Rob and I went to see her together, and she promptly referred us to Dr. Figge, the leading fertility specialist in town. Our appointment is Tuesday afternoon, and I am anxiously awaiting this visit.
For once, I finally feel that we are getting somewhere. That there are answers to questions I've been going over and over for 18 months. There are so many factors as to why we may not be conceiving. He will address them, test us both beyond our wildest imaginations, and then... we'll just know.
I mentioned our gold-plated health care. I don't exaggerate. Augustana greatly cares for their employees and their families. We have found out that our insurance will cover (after the deductible) 4 retrievals of eggs, and 6 treatments of In-vitro. Which, in case you didn't know, is HUGE.
And then, if it turns out I don't even make eggs... then we call the adoption lawyers.
There is a bit of freedom, in knowing all of this. As if we are no longer in charge of our own destiny. I've never been one to believe in a higher spiritual power, and have always trusted science over anything else. But I'm finally getting to a point where I can just accept it. I know I will be a mom. I greatly would like to have the experience of pregnancy. However, if that is not in the cards for me... well... then I'll just deal.
It's been too long since I've written. But honestly, I haven't felt much like writing.
The winter included some very dark months for me, literally and figuratively. I wasn't myself, from about November until February, when I slowly started to come out of my cocoon of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Weight Watchers, visits to Lucia, and 5x/week visits to the gym have helped to clear my mind and allow me to function in the world again.
If you will allow me to get personal, I will inform you that the general malaise over the past months is because of our inability to conceive a baby. I was tired of every woman I know conceiving and not me. So, I disappeared from the world for a while. I sat many nights at home, alone (Rob was at school), thinking about our predicament, not speaking to anyone for months. Fielding negative thoughts (they were many in number) and trying to get around the inevitable question..."What if we CAN NOT conceive?"
I decided to no longer be a victim of my own negativity. I called my doctor. She is a WONDERFUL doctor. For the first time in my life, I feel that I have a physician who actually listens to my concerns, doesn't interrupt with her thoughts, and generally cares about my well-being. Plus, having gold-plated health care does help.
Rob and I went to see her together, and she promptly referred us to Dr. Figge, the leading fertility specialist in town. Our appointment is Tuesday afternoon, and I am anxiously awaiting this visit.
For once, I finally feel that we are getting somewhere. That there are answers to questions I've been going over and over for 18 months. There are so many factors as to why we may not be conceiving. He will address them, test us both beyond our wildest imaginations, and then... we'll just know.
I mentioned our gold-plated health care. I don't exaggerate. Augustana greatly cares for their employees and their families. We have found out that our insurance will cover (after the deductible) 4 retrievals of eggs, and 6 treatments of In-vitro. Which, in case you didn't know, is HUGE.
And then, if it turns out I don't even make eggs... then we call the adoption lawyers.
There is a bit of freedom, in knowing all of this. As if we are no longer in charge of our own destiny. I've never been one to believe in a higher spiritual power, and have always trusted science over anything else. But I'm finally getting to a point where I can just accept it. I know I will be a mom. I greatly would like to have the experience of pregnancy. However, if that is not in the cards for me... well... then I'll just deal.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Inspired
You will never know.
Not how many countless nights I waited for your call.
How many pages and pens wrote for you.
How I spent years wondering what would've happened had we had just one chance.
I dreamt of you.
Feel the blush on my skin when you are near.
Feel as young as I was.
Wonder what life would be like had you never invaded my youth.
Years spent pining for the boy who could never see truth.
_______________________________________________
I want to know you.
Feel the drunk power of your beauty.
Taste the wine on your lips.
And feel the soft silence of our union.
Birth the passion we once knew.
The silence holds you, deep in the light, close.
Alone.
So much pain, you hold close to you.
Yet it's not who you are.
In the heat, I feel your glow.
Understand your presence and know
exactly how long you've wanted to show
the nature of your true self.
Deeply wanting and knowing me.
_______________________________________
Back to Earth,
I must come.
Because thinking of you,
my feet lose the ground,
and I am in a place no one can touch.
A place where I am at one,
at peace, tranquil and so right.
Luminate the world, you do, with one smile,
or sound, or touch of your hand and I
am lost within your walls.
I escape, break free of a world
where boundaries exist, and you
are always there. With those eyes.
Dressed in black, just as I remember you.
But soon, the darkness recedes.
My feet touch the ground.
You are gone.
Not how many countless nights I waited for your call.
How many pages and pens wrote for you.
How I spent years wondering what would've happened had we had just one chance.
I dreamt of you.
Feel the blush on my skin when you are near.
Feel as young as I was.
Wonder what life would be like had you never invaded my youth.
Years spent pining for the boy who could never see truth.
_______________________________________________
I want to know you.
Feel the drunk power of your beauty.
Taste the wine on your lips.
And feel the soft silence of our union.
Birth the passion we once knew.
The silence holds you, deep in the light, close.
Alone.
So much pain, you hold close to you.
Yet it's not who you are.
In the heat, I feel your glow.
Understand your presence and know
exactly how long you've wanted to show
the nature of your true self.
Deeply wanting and knowing me.
_______________________________________
Back to Earth,
I must come.
Because thinking of you,
my feet lose the ground,
and I am in a place no one can touch.
A place where I am at one,
at peace, tranquil and so right.
Luminate the world, you do, with one smile,
or sound, or touch of your hand and I
am lost within your walls.
I escape, break free of a world
where boundaries exist, and you
are always there. With those eyes.
Dressed in black, just as I remember you.
But soon, the darkness recedes.
My feet touch the ground.
You are gone.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Battle of the Bulge- Part II
Greetings friends. For those loyal to Bury my Lovely, most of you know of my awful moods as of late. While I've been in therapy for a few weeks, I knew something else had to change. I then saw a photo of me posted on my friend Melissa's Facebook page, and was shocked at how CHUBBY I looked. "That can't be!", I thought. "How in the world have I gotten so...large?"
In the fall of 2002 and spring of 2003, Rob and I were members of Weight Watchers. We had just moved to Cincinnati and were about to get married in the fall of 2003. Neither of us wanted to be chubby for our wedding day. I dropped 20 pounds, and Rob dropped 40. We looked great. We felt great. And we looked sharp on our wedding day.
And of course, since September 6, 2003, we have put back on a few pounds. I toyed with 8 pounds for about 5 years. Then I started my own theatre company and bought a house all in 3 months. All 20 pounds I took off those years ago have been put back on my body. Late nights drinking Off the Rail and eating melanges at the Blue Cat probably did me in last summer.
Recently, I stepped back on the scale and gasped that I had put every single pound back on that I took off in 2003. It just snuck up on me. And that, my friends, is what made me realize I needed to do something about it.
This past fall, Rob joined WW through Augustana, and has dropped 15 pounds so far. He looks so much better, and says he feels great, too. So last week, I joined up again, determined that I was to be chubby no longer. Today was my weigh-in, and I lost 3 pounds this week!
I already feel better physically. I work out 4-5 times a week at RIFAC, and have been sticking to the plan. I'll admit, I was REALLY hungry last week. But after day 6 or so, your body just starts getting used to the way you eat. I'm no longer hungry, and am satisfied to eat the proper portions and lower-fat options.
However, the best part about all of this is that I'm starting to feel better emotionally, too. When I get to my top weight, I notice I just feel terrible. But now, even after only 3 pounds, I feel more focused. I have more energy. And I'm happier. Who woulda thought?
And to think, I'm only 15 pounds away from my size 8's. I can do it!
In the fall of 2002 and spring of 2003, Rob and I were members of Weight Watchers. We had just moved to Cincinnati and were about to get married in the fall of 2003. Neither of us wanted to be chubby for our wedding day. I dropped 20 pounds, and Rob dropped 40. We looked great. We felt great. And we looked sharp on our wedding day.
And of course, since September 6, 2003, we have put back on a few pounds. I toyed with 8 pounds for about 5 years. Then I started my own theatre company and bought a house all in 3 months. All 20 pounds I took off those years ago have been put back on my body. Late nights drinking Off the Rail and eating melanges at the Blue Cat probably did me in last summer.
Recently, I stepped back on the scale and gasped that I had put every single pound back on that I took off in 2003. It just snuck up on me. And that, my friends, is what made me realize I needed to do something about it.
This past fall, Rob joined WW through Augustana, and has dropped 15 pounds so far. He looks so much better, and says he feels great, too. So last week, I joined up again, determined that I was to be chubby no longer. Today was my weigh-in, and I lost 3 pounds this week!
I already feel better physically. I work out 4-5 times a week at RIFAC, and have been sticking to the plan. I'll admit, I was REALLY hungry last week. But after day 6 or so, your body just starts getting used to the way you eat. I'm no longer hungry, and am satisfied to eat the proper portions and lower-fat options.
However, the best part about all of this is that I'm starting to feel better emotionally, too. When I get to my top weight, I notice I just feel terrible. But now, even after only 3 pounds, I feel more focused. I have more energy. And I'm happier. Who woulda thought?
And to think, I'm only 15 pounds away from my size 8's. I can do it!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Anonymous strikes again!
Just recieved this little gem in my inbox in response to my previous post...
"Did you ever think that Jesus might be blocking your pregnancy because he knows that you having a child would take all of the attention away from you? Something that would appear impossible for you to deal with. Some of us really want to be moms... Some people want to be pregnant so the world will lump more attention on them."
First off, Anonymous, only cowards and fools can't come clean and tell someone off with their real name. Second, I have Statcounter on my blog, so I know WHO you are and WHERE you're writing from (P&G sure employs some assholes these days).
Lastly, your logic is backward and contrary to itself. If you read this blog, or know me at all, you would know I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in any higher spiritual power. Jesus was a man, a carpenter, and I doubt he has any qualms with whether or not I have a child. He's dead. Also, your sentence reads that Jesus DOESN'T want me to have a baby because he WANTS me to have more attention. Is that what you're saying? Or that having a baby will take all the attention off of me? Of course it would! I could give two shits whether or not more 'attention is lumped' on me. All I want is to be a mother. And how in the world does my happiness at having a child have ANYTHING to do with you? Obviously you don't know me at all.
If you'd like to continue this conversation like a grown-up, I'll be waiting. Meanwhile you can hide behind an anonymous moniker knowing that I'm watching every move you make.
Have a nice day.
"Did you ever think that Jesus might be blocking your pregnancy because he knows that you having a child would take all of the attention away from you? Something that would appear impossible for you to deal with. Some of us really want to be moms... Some people want to be pregnant so the world will lump more attention on them."
First off, Anonymous, only cowards and fools can't come clean and tell someone off with their real name. Second, I have Statcounter on my blog, so I know WHO you are and WHERE you're writing from (P&G sure employs some assholes these days).
Lastly, your logic is backward and contrary to itself. If you read this blog, or know me at all, you would know I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in any higher spiritual power. Jesus was a man, a carpenter, and I doubt he has any qualms with whether or not I have a child. He's dead. Also, your sentence reads that Jesus DOESN'T want me to have a baby because he WANTS me to have more attention. Is that what you're saying? Or that having a baby will take all the attention off of me? Of course it would! I could give two shits whether or not more 'attention is lumped' on me. All I want is to be a mother. And how in the world does my happiness at having a child have ANYTHING to do with you? Obviously you don't know me at all.
If you'd like to continue this conversation like a grown-up, I'll be waiting. Meanwhile you can hide behind an anonymous moniker knowing that I'm watching every move you make.
Have a nice day.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The Devil you know.
Met with Lucia (my therapist) on Friday afternoon after a long hiatus.
You, dear reader, know of my general malaise as of late. When I described my frustrations and sadness, she asked me general medical questions, which, I'm sure, she is required to do by law.
She asked, first, what was going on. I immediately burst into tears. I told her of my frustrations at the fact that I was not yet pregnant, and that my old friend Lesley was. Here, a woman with menstrual problems her entire adolescent and adult life, now expecting. I try to so hard to understand, yet it is so random. Why can a person weighing nearly 400 pounds, chain-smoke Lucky's, and practically shoot heroin through their eyes get pregnant, and I can't? I often feel that the universe is just laughing at me. Les is pregnant, my massage therapist is pregnant, lots of Facebook friends are pregnant, and to top it all off, 6 out of 8 mothers in my Kindermusik class: pregnant. Maybe I'm just more susceptible to it all.
Anyway, I said that I was so very happy for Les, for Mel (massage therapist). But the sadness outweighs the happiness for them. Because I'm sad for myself. I want it to be me. How can I lie and not say that?
Lucia asked me pointed questions about how I was sleeping (shitty), concentrating (worse), and motivation (in the bowels of Hell). She looked at me with hooded eyes and said "You know where I'm going with this, don't you?".
"Of course," I say. "I'm depressed".
And of course, I knew I was. Am. But it's different this time. When I was diagnosed in 2001 with depression, I could barely get out of bed. I would lay in bed for hours, just weeping at the misery I felt. This time, it's more like just a bad mood. Like I've had PMS since October. Flustered, exhausted, anxious, pissed, low self-esteem, unmotivated. She calls what I have dysthimia, which is a "low-grade depression". And that is exactly what it feels like. Just sort-of...off.
She asked of my anxiety. I said it was more energy. That I felt without a purpose. (Of course what sucks is that I'm so ready with the purpose of being a mom, but that will change) She said "it sounds like you're missing out on something. You need purpose to thrive. You need your creativity to live". But without motivation, I sit at home and do nothing. I long for Spring, when I can get out to take photos without fear of hypothermia. To garden. To walk my dogs. Lucia says I need an outlet for my creativity, which I knew, but it always somehow means more coming from her.
She gave me four assignments to do before I see her again next week. I won't share them with you. For my eyes only.
The weekend felt different, after seeing her. Because now I knew what I was dealing with. For months, I read these books. Self-help books. Which, in my opinion, are just trash. I tried reading Power of Now (sorry Petra, I couldn't understand it). I tried the Law of Attraction (sorry Dana, when you're in a foul mood to begin with, it just doesn't cut it). And I kept saying to myself "why in Sam Hell can't I pull myself out of this?". Well, it turns out there is a little chemical imbalance going on up top. Which may be why there isn't any action going on in the underbelly. However, Lucia feels if I continue to work on the things I'm doing, I won't need anti-depressants. I think she is right. It doesn't feel like that anyways.
And now I know. I've dealt with twice before. And I beat it. And I will do it again.
You, dear reader, know of my general malaise as of late. When I described my frustrations and sadness, she asked me general medical questions, which, I'm sure, she is required to do by law.
She asked, first, what was going on. I immediately burst into tears. I told her of my frustrations at the fact that I was not yet pregnant, and that my old friend Lesley was. Here, a woman with menstrual problems her entire adolescent and adult life, now expecting. I try to so hard to understand, yet it is so random. Why can a person weighing nearly 400 pounds, chain-smoke Lucky's, and practically shoot heroin through their eyes get pregnant, and I can't? I often feel that the universe is just laughing at me. Les is pregnant, my massage therapist is pregnant, lots of Facebook friends are pregnant, and to top it all off, 6 out of 8 mothers in my Kindermusik class: pregnant. Maybe I'm just more susceptible to it all.
Anyway, I said that I was so very happy for Les, for Mel (massage therapist). But the sadness outweighs the happiness for them. Because I'm sad for myself. I want it to be me. How can I lie and not say that?
Lucia asked me pointed questions about how I was sleeping (shitty), concentrating (worse), and motivation (in the bowels of Hell). She looked at me with hooded eyes and said "You know where I'm going with this, don't you?".
"Of course," I say. "I'm depressed".
And of course, I knew I was. Am. But it's different this time. When I was diagnosed in 2001 with depression, I could barely get out of bed. I would lay in bed for hours, just weeping at the misery I felt. This time, it's more like just a bad mood. Like I've had PMS since October. Flustered, exhausted, anxious, pissed, low self-esteem, unmotivated. She calls what I have dysthimia, which is a "low-grade depression". And that is exactly what it feels like. Just sort-of...off.
She asked of my anxiety. I said it was more energy. That I felt without a purpose. (Of course what sucks is that I'm so ready with the purpose of being a mom, but that will change) She said "it sounds like you're missing out on something. You need purpose to thrive. You need your creativity to live". But without motivation, I sit at home and do nothing. I long for Spring, when I can get out to take photos without fear of hypothermia. To garden. To walk my dogs. Lucia says I need an outlet for my creativity, which I knew, but it always somehow means more coming from her.
She gave me four assignments to do before I see her again next week. I won't share them with you. For my eyes only.
The weekend felt different, after seeing her. Because now I knew what I was dealing with. For months, I read these books. Self-help books. Which, in my opinion, are just trash. I tried reading Power of Now (sorry Petra, I couldn't understand it). I tried the Law of Attraction (sorry Dana, when you're in a foul mood to begin with, it just doesn't cut it). And I kept saying to myself "why in Sam Hell can't I pull myself out of this?". Well, it turns out there is a little chemical imbalance going on up top. Which may be why there isn't any action going on in the underbelly. However, Lucia feels if I continue to work on the things I'm doing, I won't need anti-depressants. I think she is right. It doesn't feel like that anyways.
And now I know. I've dealt with twice before. And I beat it. And I will do it again.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Just things...
I've stayed away from the blog for a while. I haven't wanted to write much as of late, which has bothered me. While in Texas, I had a conversation with Cathy (Dad's wife), who mentioned that she used to read my blog, but has since stopped because she didn't like what she read.
It confuses me, a touch. What she said was that she didn't like reading it because I said hurtful things about people. It really got me thinking about the content on this blog. I felt saddened that I may have hurt her or my father by what is written on this little space of the Internet. While I realize I am quite blunt when I write it, my intent is never to hurt anyone. Most times I'm writing, it's because I'm catching up the loved ones in my life as to what has been happening in my corner of the world; or to vent my frustrations about the QC artistic community, people who upset me, or just whatever is on my mind.
It recalls a post back in October when my family was in visiting from Texas. Most times, when my Dad and Cathy are in town, Rob and I will spend time with them, which means we also must spend time with my fathers sister, my aunt.
It's interesting, the dynamic I have with this woman. While I understand my father and stepmother have one experience with her, the experience I have with her is not the same. She has spent the last 10 or so years making me feel inadequate for many reasons. Some that come to mind are berating me for moving-in with my boyfriend, and quite possibly, having pre-marital sex (which, yes, of course we did. We lived together for 3 years before we got married). Asking my mother, AT OUR WEDDING, if the ceremony "counted" because there was no mention of any higher, spiritual power. And then, this past October, telling me that 28 is old for having a baby (meanwhile, I'm 31). This last comment actually hurt me. Most of the passive-aggressive things she says I try to blow off and ignore because they are small and unintelligible. But this little gem came out of her mouth, prime at the time when Rob and I are trying as hard as we can to conceive, and unable to do so.
I don't think she understands how things sound coming out of her mouth. She appears not to think about what she says before she says them. I don't want to assume (something I'm working VERY hard on), but she doesn't seem to be a happy woman. And if that is the case, I feel sorry for her. But she's like the little kid on the playground, who is bullied by the big kid, so he bullies a kid smaller than him so he can feel better about himself.
It's something I struggle with, whenever Dad and Cathy come to town. I don't mind spending time with my two uncle Jim's (one is her husband, the other her and my Dad's brother). Both men are kind, funny, and pleasant to be with. But in the end, what it comes down to is I just don't like the woman.
Now. This may be what Cathy was talking about. Might not be. But I also feel, since it's my blog, that it's also my prerogative to like or dislike whomever I want.
I'm back seeing Lucia (my therapist) again. It's something I'm ready for and enjoy, because she helps so greatly to put into perspective what I cannot. She talks much about perception. That what I perceive (or assume) is usually not what is really happening. It's just my experience. While in Texas, I had many nice conversations with Cathy. Something she said to me still rings in my mind. I was telling her all the things I worked on in therapy last year. How I dealt with the things I went through in my childhood when it came to my Dad. I told her that I had accepted what happened (my Dad and Mom divorcing during the most important years of my development and how it made me who I was) all those years ago, and that I was okay with the relationship I had with my father. She then said to me something like once I could come to my Dad and say this that and the other to him, then I would REALLY accept it. And she walked away. And what I really wanted to say to her was "nope. That is your perception of what is okay or how I feel. Maybe that's what you'd like to have happen, but I'm okay with it NOT happening. That is what acceptance is". It just really showed me that neither one of them know me much at all. And I accept that, too.
_________________________________________________________
What I've been working on lately is the fact that I feel so blocked. That is the perfect word: blocked. I feel like there is this wall in front of me, and I can't put my finger on what it is. It's standing between me and personal freedom and happiness. It's been hanging around since the summer, which leads Lucia and I to believe that I didn't recover from the stress of this summer i.e., three productions in three months, making an offer on a house, closing, moving, etc.. Because whatever it is, it hinders me from living my best, most happy life. And I want that. But first, I must knock down the wall, and find what is on the other side.
This week, I've gotten in contact with two very old friends. Both are people I met while in college. One was a young lady in the music department at Clarke with me who has fallen on hard times. She has health problems and her life is not where she'd like it to be. I hope that we can connect again soon.
The second is a man I met in the summer of 1996. He was a wonderful friend to me for many years, and someone who I always had a troublesome romantic history with. Over the years, our timing was always just a bit off. Something was always in the way, and we never got together. It is, truly, one of my biggest regrets. Of course I would never, EVER trade my life with Rob for anything. He is the love of my life, and clearly understands who and what I am like no one ever could (and no one else would probably put up with my bullshit). He has taught me what real unconditional love is. But I also know, and am comfortable with, that there is a part of me that will always love this man from my past. That there will always been a connection between us that is misunderstood. And I like that it is misunderstood. Trying to understand would most likely ruin it.
It confuses me, a touch. What she said was that she didn't like reading it because I said hurtful things about people. It really got me thinking about the content on this blog. I felt saddened that I may have hurt her or my father by what is written on this little space of the Internet. While I realize I am quite blunt when I write it, my intent is never to hurt anyone. Most times I'm writing, it's because I'm catching up the loved ones in my life as to what has been happening in my corner of the world; or to vent my frustrations about the QC artistic community, people who upset me, or just whatever is on my mind.
It recalls a post back in October when my family was in visiting from Texas. Most times, when my Dad and Cathy are in town, Rob and I will spend time with them, which means we also must spend time with my fathers sister, my aunt.
It's interesting, the dynamic I have with this woman. While I understand my father and stepmother have one experience with her, the experience I have with her is not the same. She has spent the last 10 or so years making me feel inadequate for many reasons. Some that come to mind are berating me for moving-in with my boyfriend, and quite possibly, having pre-marital sex (which, yes, of course we did. We lived together for 3 years before we got married). Asking my mother, AT OUR WEDDING, if the ceremony "counted" because there was no mention of any higher, spiritual power. And then, this past October, telling me that 28 is old for having a baby (meanwhile, I'm 31). This last comment actually hurt me. Most of the passive-aggressive things she says I try to blow off and ignore because they are small and unintelligible. But this little gem came out of her mouth, prime at the time when Rob and I are trying as hard as we can to conceive, and unable to do so.
I don't think she understands how things sound coming out of her mouth. She appears not to think about what she says before she says them. I don't want to assume (something I'm working VERY hard on), but she doesn't seem to be a happy woman. And if that is the case, I feel sorry for her. But she's like the little kid on the playground, who is bullied by the big kid, so he bullies a kid smaller than him so he can feel better about himself.
It's something I struggle with, whenever Dad and Cathy come to town. I don't mind spending time with my two uncle Jim's (one is her husband, the other her and my Dad's brother). Both men are kind, funny, and pleasant to be with. But in the end, what it comes down to is I just don't like the woman.
Now. This may be what Cathy was talking about. Might not be. But I also feel, since it's my blog, that it's also my prerogative to like or dislike whomever I want.
I'm back seeing Lucia (my therapist) again. It's something I'm ready for and enjoy, because she helps so greatly to put into perspective what I cannot. She talks much about perception. That what I perceive (or assume) is usually not what is really happening. It's just my experience. While in Texas, I had many nice conversations with Cathy. Something she said to me still rings in my mind. I was telling her all the things I worked on in therapy last year. How I dealt with the things I went through in my childhood when it came to my Dad. I told her that I had accepted what happened (my Dad and Mom divorcing during the most important years of my development and how it made me who I was) all those years ago, and that I was okay with the relationship I had with my father. She then said to me something like once I could come to my Dad and say this that and the other to him, then I would REALLY accept it. And she walked away. And what I really wanted to say to her was "nope. That is your perception of what is okay or how I feel. Maybe that's what you'd like to have happen, but I'm okay with it NOT happening. That is what acceptance is". It just really showed me that neither one of them know me much at all. And I accept that, too.
_________________________________________________________
What I've been working on lately is the fact that I feel so blocked. That is the perfect word: blocked. I feel like there is this wall in front of me, and I can't put my finger on what it is. It's standing between me and personal freedom and happiness. It's been hanging around since the summer, which leads Lucia and I to believe that I didn't recover from the stress of this summer i.e., three productions in three months, making an offer on a house, closing, moving, etc.. Because whatever it is, it hinders me from living my best, most happy life. And I want that. But first, I must knock down the wall, and find what is on the other side.
This week, I've gotten in contact with two very old friends. Both are people I met while in college. One was a young lady in the music department at Clarke with me who has fallen on hard times. She has health problems and her life is not where she'd like it to be. I hope that we can connect again soon.
The second is a man I met in the summer of 1996. He was a wonderful friend to me for many years, and someone who I always had a troublesome romantic history with. Over the years, our timing was always just a bit off. Something was always in the way, and we never got together. It is, truly, one of my biggest regrets. Of course I would never, EVER trade my life with Rob for anything. He is the love of my life, and clearly understands who and what I am like no one ever could (and no one else would probably put up with my bullshit). He has taught me what real unconditional love is. But I also know, and am comfortable with, that there is a part of me that will always love this man from my past. That there will always been a connection between us that is misunderstood. And I like that it is misunderstood. Trying to understand would most likely ruin it.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Week in Review
Tuesday, December 30
After arriving in the city around noon, we attempted to gain admission to Shedd Aquarium. For years, I've been wanting to see this amazing gem of Chicago. However, when we arrived, there was a line with a 2-hour wait! Due to the insane cold (and the fact that I had to pee from a double-tall Starbucks latte), we decided on The Field Museum instead, which was another Chicago institution I had yet to see in my 31 years.
Sue, the T-Rex at the Field Museum.
Around 4:30, we were a bit tired from all the walking and made our way to the Sheraton Towers, our residence for our only night in the city. Now when I booked this 4-star hotel on Hotwire.com a few months back, little did I know just how incredibly posh this hotel would be. After the nicest service from a Michelle Obama look-alike, we adjourned to the 26th floor and our room with an incredible view of the city. We dined at a lovely local pub called PJ Clarkes at the suggestion of our concierge, then walked down Mag Mile with a hot chocolate to keep us warm. We then got to experience the Apple Store, where we played Guitar Hero before returning to our room and promptly crashing after a long day.
Wednesday, December 31
We awoke to a beautiful, yet cold morning in the city. After breakfast and checking out, we adjourned down to Water Tower Place, where we were sticker-shocked at the insane prices on regular items you would find at any mall in the Midwest. We walked around Neiman-Marcus, where I drooled over $700 Manolo Blahniks (someday, I WILL own a pair of these. It's the Carrie Bradshaw in me) and was snubbed by salespeople who stared at my handbag and shoes to see if I was rich enough to shop in their store. We ended our tour of the city by heading up to the 94th floor of the John Hancock Building to take in the really cool multi-media tour of the Observatory.
We then headed out to O'Hare for our 6pm flight to Dallas. It was sort of eerie, driving out there, as there was hardly any traffic (cars going in to the city from O'Hare were backed up for miles) on the way to the airport. At a surprisingly dead O'Hare, we settled in for an hour or so by playing Mad Libs and eating McDonalds before our flight started boarding at 5:45pm. I don't think, ever in my life, that a plane started boarding 15 minutes early. We took off at 6:35pm, just 5 minutes after our scheduled departure time. I'm still amazed that a flight actually took-off when it was supposed to!
We flew on a beautiful 777, where each seat had its own personal in-flight on-demand tv with movies, tv shows, music stations and video games! I listened to 80's music while playing Solataire. Needless to say, it was a comfortable and fast 2 hour flight because of the amazing plane we were on!
We arrived at DFW 30 minutes early, where Cathy (my Dad's wife) met us at baggage claim. It was a beautiful 50 degree evening (a nice improvement from the 18 degree day we left in Illinois) in Texas, and we headed back to Dad and Cathy's house to freshen up before heading to a New Years Eve shindig down the street. A newly-married Tom and Melinda (engaged for 12 years!!) hosted us at their lovely home with their three adorable black labs Barney, Chance and Chief. We rang in the New Year nearly asleep, then headed back to the house to snuggle with my Dad and Cathy's five (count them, FIVE) dogs. Maggie the Golden, Max the mix-breed, Toby the black lab, Hannah the beautiful shepherd-mix, and Mo the little one.
Tom, Deb and Rob ringing in the New Year
Rob and Toby
Mo
Max
Thursday, January 1
New Years Day was spent doing nothing but sitting in our pajamas and watching TV. Enough said.
Friday, January 2
Rob and I headed north to Denton to visit Rob's favorite used bookstore, Recycled Books. We had lunch in a little diner on the square before heading back to North Richland Hills. That evening, Dad and Cathy took us to Chef Point Cafe, a gourmet restaurant housed inside a gas station. I'm not kidding! The restaurant was featured in Paula Deen's magazine, and a few days after we had dinner, the Food Network was due in to do a special in the amazing food found inside. Apparently, the chef wanted to open a restaurant but couldn't get the funding from the bank. He could, however, get the loan for a gas station. And thus, history was made. We ate amazing food in a gas station. Who would've thought...
Saturday, January 3
It was a beautiful, third day in a row in Texas, with sun and 75 degree temps. Rob and I headed down to Sundance Square in downtown Fort Worth, where we dined on sushi for dinner, before taking in the hilarious dueling piano show at Pete's Dueling Pianos.
Sunday, January 4
The day of all days... the visit to the infamous Babe's. Followers of this blog know full well of the wonder that is Babe's. All-you-can-eat family style fried chicken, taters, corn, biscuits. I'll let the picture say everything.
Monday, January 5
Our last full day in town was cold and rainy, so Rob and I headed out to Genghis Grill for lunch, then a day of window shopping before spending the evening with my sister Abby. We had an awesome visit, chatting about this and that. And captured a pic of the three of us, the first in probably 15 years.
Abby, Jake and I
After arriving in the city around noon, we attempted to gain admission to Shedd Aquarium. For years, I've been wanting to see this amazing gem of Chicago. However, when we arrived, there was a line with a 2-hour wait! Due to the insane cold (and the fact that I had to pee from a double-tall Starbucks latte), we decided on The Field Museum instead, which was another Chicago institution I had yet to see in my 31 years.
Sue, the T-Rex at the Field Museum.
Around 4:30, we were a bit tired from all the walking and made our way to the Sheraton Towers, our residence for our only night in the city. Now when I booked this 4-star hotel on Hotwire.com a few months back, little did I know just how incredibly posh this hotel would be. After the nicest service from a Michelle Obama look-alike, we adjourned to the 26th floor and our room with an incredible view of the city. We dined at a lovely local pub called PJ Clarkes at the suggestion of our concierge, then walked down Mag Mile with a hot chocolate to keep us warm. We then got to experience the Apple Store, where we played Guitar Hero before returning to our room and promptly crashing after a long day.
Wednesday, December 31
We awoke to a beautiful, yet cold morning in the city. After breakfast and checking out, we adjourned down to Water Tower Place, where we were sticker-shocked at the insane prices on regular items you would find at any mall in the Midwest. We walked around Neiman-Marcus, where I drooled over $700 Manolo Blahniks (someday, I WILL own a pair of these. It's the Carrie Bradshaw in me) and was snubbed by salespeople who stared at my handbag and shoes to see if I was rich enough to shop in their store. We ended our tour of the city by heading up to the 94th floor of the John Hancock Building to take in the really cool multi-media tour of the Observatory.
We then headed out to O'Hare for our 6pm flight to Dallas. It was sort of eerie, driving out there, as there was hardly any traffic (cars going in to the city from O'Hare were backed up for miles) on the way to the airport. At a surprisingly dead O'Hare, we settled in for an hour or so by playing Mad Libs and eating McDonalds before our flight started boarding at 5:45pm. I don't think, ever in my life, that a plane started boarding 15 minutes early. We took off at 6:35pm, just 5 minutes after our scheduled departure time. I'm still amazed that a flight actually took-off when it was supposed to!
We flew on a beautiful 777, where each seat had its own personal in-flight on-demand tv with movies, tv shows, music stations and video games! I listened to 80's music while playing Solataire. Needless to say, it was a comfortable and fast 2 hour flight because of the amazing plane we were on!
We arrived at DFW 30 minutes early, where Cathy (my Dad's wife) met us at baggage claim. It was a beautiful 50 degree evening (a nice improvement from the 18 degree day we left in Illinois) in Texas, and we headed back to Dad and Cathy's house to freshen up before heading to a New Years Eve shindig down the street. A newly-married Tom and Melinda (engaged for 12 years!!) hosted us at their lovely home with their three adorable black labs Barney, Chance and Chief. We rang in the New Year nearly asleep, then headed back to the house to snuggle with my Dad and Cathy's five (count them, FIVE) dogs. Maggie the Golden, Max the mix-breed, Toby the black lab, Hannah the beautiful shepherd-mix, and Mo the little one.
Tom, Deb and Rob ringing in the New Year
Rob and Toby
Mo
Max
Thursday, January 1
New Years Day was spent doing nothing but sitting in our pajamas and watching TV. Enough said.
Friday, January 2
Rob and I headed north to Denton to visit Rob's favorite used bookstore, Recycled Books. We had lunch in a little diner on the square before heading back to North Richland Hills. That evening, Dad and Cathy took us to Chef Point Cafe, a gourmet restaurant housed inside a gas station. I'm not kidding! The restaurant was featured in Paula Deen's magazine, and a few days after we had dinner, the Food Network was due in to do a special in the amazing food found inside. Apparently, the chef wanted to open a restaurant but couldn't get the funding from the bank. He could, however, get the loan for a gas station. And thus, history was made. We ate amazing food in a gas station. Who would've thought...
Saturday, January 3
It was a beautiful, third day in a row in Texas, with sun and 75 degree temps. Rob and I headed down to Sundance Square in downtown Fort Worth, where we dined on sushi for dinner, before taking in the hilarious dueling piano show at Pete's Dueling Pianos.
Sunday, January 4
The day of all days... the visit to the infamous Babe's. Followers of this blog know full well of the wonder that is Babe's. All-you-can-eat family style fried chicken, taters, corn, biscuits. I'll let the picture say everything.
Monday, January 5
Our last full day in town was cold and rainy, so Rob and I headed out to Genghis Grill for lunch, then a day of window shopping before spending the evening with my sister Abby. We had an awesome visit, chatting about this and that. And captured a pic of the three of us, the first in probably 15 years.
Abby, Jake and I
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Year in Review
Writers block has plagued me as of late. As well as a host of bad moods. It has been a weird couple of weeks around our house, and because of that, I haven't wanted to write much of anything. But since it is about to be a new year, the bug has caught me, and off I go.
Since Thanksgiving, Rob worked ungodly hours, as he is teaching 10 credit hours this term (the usual is 6 or 7). Due to this, we hardly saw each other, which put a bit of a strain on the two of us. He was stressed, so I was stressed. Add stress plus stress, it wasn't a real pleasant place to be in our house for a few weeks. Then you add in the holidays, and it was nearly unbearable. This year, the holidays (for the first time) were felt as if they were endured rather than enjoyed. Such a horrible way to feel, but it was true for us this year. With the economy, our parents getting older, and Rob's car dying for some weird reason AND having to fly to New York in a snowstorm to pick the new piano for Augustana, the holidays were kinda shitty this year. We ate too much. The parties felt obligatory rather than festive. Plus another year without a baby. We're both feeling a little out of sorts. Hopefully, with the passing of this year, things will start to look up.
Things that made this year great:
The creation and productions of Riverbend Theatre Collective
RTC had a nice opening year, with a great success of our first show, Elegies- A Song Cycle
We were lucky enough to also be featured in last weeks QC Times Arts section with a nice article by David Burke.
The purchase of our first home
After years of renting, we finally became homeowners on August 29 of this year. From November of 2007 to March of 2008, we paid off ALL our debt, with the exception of our car payment, school loans, and our one credit-card each. Because of this, our credit ratings went through the roof. That combined with our secure incomes, we were able to purchase our adorable house in the hood. Each day I love it more. Lucky us, the sellers left the house in great condition, with many new upgrades and remodels. The only work we've done is painted the bathroom, dining and living rooms, and up next is the horrid burgandy mess of a studio.
Five Year Anniversary-
(Courtesy of Jan Scott Photography)
This year, Rob and I celebrated five years of marriage. I love this man more every day, and am so thankful he came into my life in the fall of 2000. We've had our rough patches, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. We wouldn't have the relationship we have now. And that is pretty wonderful.
One Year with Ike-
One of the best little dogs on the planet. Enough said.
Friends-
I wish I could put a zillion pics up of all of lovely friends. This year was a great year of meeting people and cultivating friendships with a lot of important people. I won't name them all. You know who you are.
Plans for 2009
Stop spending money on stupid crap- after buying a house, we did have to buy a lot of stuff to put in it. But the constant dining out needs to stop.
Learn to relax
Try to have a stress-less theatre season
Be good to myself- more exercise, less food, more yoga, more visits to see Lucia
Just keep swimming- As Dorie says in Finding Nemo, I need to just keep swimming when it comes to having a baby. It's something I desperately want in my life, to be a mother. But what I am trying to understand is that making a baby is a very delicate thing. I need to be a patient and know that when the time is right, it will happen.
Support Rob- Rob is struggling... with work, trying to make time for me, trying to make baby, and losing weight.
On Wednesday, Rob and I fly out to visit Dad and Cathy for a week. I am greatly looking forward to seeing my brother Jake (who I haven't seen in nearly 7 years) and my sister Abby, who I haven't seen in almost 4 years. We are both looking forward to having some down time with no responsibilities or obligations. Just time to relax, read, and spend time with my family.
Because I felt bad about adding Ike and not Maddy. My lovely, old girl.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Week in Review
Yes, I baked these for Thanksgiving. Pumpkin, Pecan, and a Dark Chocolate Chip Cheesecake. All I'll say is that the pumpkin and pecan were not even touched.
We spent the holiday with Rob's family in Morrison this year, rather than go to Ridgecrest with my family again. Last years' festivities were more sad and depressing than joyful, and we both didn't really want to spend the holiday this way again. We had a very nice dinner with the Elflines. My only beef was that they didn't have cranberry in a can. You know, the kind with the ridges? That is my favorite.
On Friday, Rob and I indeed go shopping. However, it wasn't nearly as bad as we had thought it might be. We ended up at Best Buy, Wal-Mart and Target, and were pleasantly surprised at the lack of craziness. We did, however, splurge this year and buy ourselves a very nice Christmas tree. Since we have more than enough room for a tree this year, we decided we would be grown-ups and buy a nice one. It is, of course, artificial, but it looks just beautiful in our dining room. Rob picked the royal colors of gold and purple. You should see it at night. It's really breathtaking.
Since my last post, I've really had quite a nice week. After learning that I wasn't pregnant, and posting about it on both my blog and Facebook, I had a bit of an outpouring of comments and support from friends. One in particular mentioned I start reading books by spiritualist Eckhard Tolle, who has penned The Power of Now, Stillness Speaks, and A New Earth. Mr. Tolle talks much about living in the moment, and not allowing yourself to get caught up in the chatter of what comes next. It's been a real joy reading his books, and finding that I have the capability to turn off the mind when I need to. Because of this, I've had such a peaceful and lovely week. Yoga has also helped this. I practice every day now, and I am noticing how my body is changing. Rob and I had our last class with Jeani yesterday at DSY, but we did sign up for the next 6-week class that begins next Saturday. In addition, we get two weeks free unlimited classes with our first 6-week session. I'm planning on going at least twice this week.
In a random twist, I've recently received a message from an old college acquaintance on Facebook. I was presently surprised to find a message from her this past week, as it has been years since we've spoken. During my freshman year of college, we had become friends when I started getting more involved in the theatre program at Clarke. In the beginning of my sophomore year, I sort of went through an emotional breakdown of sorts. A crisis of conscience, if you will. At that time in my life, I wasn't really able to communicate (or really wanted to) what was happening in my life. When I decided that sticking to the music program was going to be my path, I think I alienated many people, including her. It was a strange time in my life, as I had also started dating a boy who ultimately turned out to be a gigantic mistake. As I grew into an adult and left Clarke, I did often wonder about her and where she landed. Turns out she is married and landed here in the QC with a brand-new baby. I am unsure what else she is doing these days, but she had mentioned to me that she is involved in Venus Envy with our mutual friend Melissa. It was really quite wonderful to receive her message, and I hope that we are able to continue in getting to know each other again.
Lastly, I picked up my recent B&W rolls from the Camera Corner this past week. Here is some photos from the Fall.
The goat at Niabi Zoo
Our nephew Enzo
Aiden, son of our friend Dawn.
Oliver and one of his moms, Abbey
Rob and the lorikeets
Oliver on the run
Norallene and Zoe the dog
Our niece Isabella and her daddy.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Dis-ease.
When I first started this blog nearly 3 years ago, it was primarily for me. I stopped journaling (which was, largely, a mistake) and allowed this to take it's place. I used to write most days during the week. I posted thoughts, feelings, poems, pictures of what was happening in my life. I didn't care who in cyberspace could read it, because it was for me.
Then, last fall, when the blast-from-the-past/Anonymous poster reared her all-in-bad-taste head, I lost my nerve. Maybe that was what she was going for. To make me feel small, which, incidentally, was exactly what she and her friends did to most people in college, so I wasn't really surprised. However, anonymous poster doesn't check my blog much anymore or, really, at all. It made me realize that I shouldn't give a crap who reads what I write, or for that matter, their opinion on the things I do write. That's what blogs are for. To write about what is happening in personal lives. And I miss doing it. From now on, I write what I like. End of story.
I haven't been having the best couple of weeks. Since moving in, I've always felt a little "off". Like I should be doing something, but the something never comes. I feel uncomfortable, bored, lazy. My studio took a bit of a hit since moving, so the fall has been a bit slow. It is, however, starting to pick back up, with four new students added just in the last week, so I'm starting to feel better about that. I've been planning the 2009 theatre season, and I'm feeling pretty great about that, too. But there is still something that just doesn't feel right. It's as if I'm always waiting for the next big thing. Ideally, what I'd like to do is to begin living my life between the goals. Or, living in the moment. Which is something I used to be able to do. Even just last year. But for some reason, I've ceased to remember how. I started seeing Lucia again, my therapist. We talk about seeing everything in life as an experience, and being present to each one. Also, just being in the process. Last year, when I was dealing with all my (for lack of a better phrase) "Daddy Issues", I relished being in the process. I knew what was happening each and every moment, and I loved it, because I wasn't afraid to feel everything in that moment. Now, I get too caught up in the outcome. I think this past summer has a lot to do with it. The theatre season, as well as closing on the house. I was so nervous something would come along and fuck everything to Hell. In the end, it didn't, and all was well. Lucia seems to think that I didn't recover from all the stress over the months of May-September. Frankly, I think she is spot on. So now, we work on stress recovery and living in the moment. I am greatly looking forward to it.
Last night, I finally pulled out the journal. In the past, I used to write every night. Lately, it's far and few between when I actually get to it. However, something compelled me to write last night. I have a book of writing prompts. Just a simple line to prompt you into some train-of-thought writing. Last night's was about returning. I wrote for a few minutes, just letting the pen flow. Towards the middle, I started writing about how I wished to return to "my art". My brain seemed to know what my hand wanted to do. When I finished, I realized what I wished I could return to. And that is performing. Being a performer is just a part of who I am, and have and will always be. I mentioned in my previous post that I haven't been cast in any shows here, and how it is upsetting. There aren't many other opportunities to perform here. I really enjoyed last winter, as Rob and I were contracted for lots of gigs and had a blast. But I haven't performed since Elegies, and I'm really itchin' for something. It feels nice, though, to know what it is I'm missing.
I am now going to rant. Those of you who'd rather not read, then just stop.
A year ago, Rob and I decided we were ready to have a baby. Emotionally and physically, I was in the prime of my life, and very ready to make babies. Once the theatre season started, we very seriously never had sex. We were too busy or too tired or both. So we stopped trying. Now, we are settled in the house, and we've begun trying again. I know that it takes time. Nature is taking its course, and we need to be patient. However, I honestly thought I was pregnant this week. I was having symptoms that seemed very much like pregnancy, and it turned out not to be. I was devastated. I felt so stupid for thinking that there was a chance when, in reality, it was a wicked case of PMS. On one hand, my body may feel ready, as I've been "preparing the nest" so they say. No alcohol, exercise, eat right, take prenatal vitamins. I'm doing everything a woman should do. On the other, maybe baby knows I am in a weird place emotionally and that it shouldn't come yet until I figure some stuff out. This is supposed to be dangerously easy! Why is it so hard?!
And here is the kicker. I'm so tired of people saying to me that "it's okay". I'm tired of the advice. I'm tired of the universe kicking me while I'm down by showing me thousands of pregnant women or women with newborns,or ultrasound pictures or baby clothes or maternity shops (I know, how existential of me, right?). There are moments I just want people to stop talking to me about it. It's nobody's business to talk to me about my reproductive system, or my husbands. And frankly, I don't care if YOU get pregnant at the drop of a hat. So please, oh please, just don't mention it to me.
Today, I'm going to see the Twilight movie with an old pal I haven't seen in years. I am very much looking forward to it. And looking forward to seeing the movie. And tonight, dinner with D, who I miss very much!
Then, last fall, when the blast-from-the-past/Anonymous poster reared her all-in-bad-taste head, I lost my nerve. Maybe that was what she was going for. To make me feel small, which, incidentally, was exactly what she and her friends did to most people in college, so I wasn't really surprised. However, anonymous poster doesn't check my blog much anymore or, really, at all. It made me realize that I shouldn't give a crap who reads what I write, or for that matter, their opinion on the things I do write. That's what blogs are for. To write about what is happening in personal lives. And I miss doing it. From now on, I write what I like. End of story.
I haven't been having the best couple of weeks. Since moving in, I've always felt a little "off". Like I should be doing something, but the something never comes. I feel uncomfortable, bored, lazy. My studio took a bit of a hit since moving, so the fall has been a bit slow. It is, however, starting to pick back up, with four new students added just in the last week, so I'm starting to feel better about that. I've been planning the 2009 theatre season, and I'm feeling pretty great about that, too. But there is still something that just doesn't feel right. It's as if I'm always waiting for the next big thing. Ideally, what I'd like to do is to begin living my life between the goals. Or, living in the moment. Which is something I used to be able to do. Even just last year. But for some reason, I've ceased to remember how. I started seeing Lucia again, my therapist. We talk about seeing everything in life as an experience, and being present to each one. Also, just being in the process. Last year, when I was dealing with all my (for lack of a better phrase) "Daddy Issues", I relished being in the process. I knew what was happening each and every moment, and I loved it, because I wasn't afraid to feel everything in that moment. Now, I get too caught up in the outcome. I think this past summer has a lot to do with it. The theatre season, as well as closing on the house. I was so nervous something would come along and fuck everything to Hell. In the end, it didn't, and all was well. Lucia seems to think that I didn't recover from all the stress over the months of May-September. Frankly, I think she is spot on. So now, we work on stress recovery and living in the moment. I am greatly looking forward to it.
Last night, I finally pulled out the journal. In the past, I used to write every night. Lately, it's far and few between when I actually get to it. However, something compelled me to write last night. I have a book of writing prompts. Just a simple line to prompt you into some train-of-thought writing. Last night's was about returning. I wrote for a few minutes, just letting the pen flow. Towards the middle, I started writing about how I wished to return to "my art". My brain seemed to know what my hand wanted to do. When I finished, I realized what I wished I could return to. And that is performing. Being a performer is just a part of who I am, and have and will always be. I mentioned in my previous post that I haven't been cast in any shows here, and how it is upsetting. There aren't many other opportunities to perform here. I really enjoyed last winter, as Rob and I were contracted for lots of gigs and had a blast. But I haven't performed since Elegies, and I'm really itchin' for something. It feels nice, though, to know what it is I'm missing.
I am now going to rant. Those of you who'd rather not read, then just stop.
A year ago, Rob and I decided we were ready to have a baby. Emotionally and physically, I was in the prime of my life, and very ready to make babies. Once the theatre season started, we very seriously never had sex. We were too busy or too tired or both. So we stopped trying. Now, we are settled in the house, and we've begun trying again. I know that it takes time. Nature is taking its course, and we need to be patient. However, I honestly thought I was pregnant this week. I was having symptoms that seemed very much like pregnancy, and it turned out not to be. I was devastated. I felt so stupid for thinking that there was a chance when, in reality, it was a wicked case of PMS. On one hand, my body may feel ready, as I've been "preparing the nest" so they say. No alcohol, exercise, eat right, take prenatal vitamins. I'm doing everything a woman should do. On the other, maybe baby knows I am in a weird place emotionally and that it shouldn't come yet until I figure some stuff out. This is supposed to be dangerously easy! Why is it so hard?!
And here is the kicker. I'm so tired of people saying to me that "it's okay". I'm tired of the advice. I'm tired of the universe kicking me while I'm down by showing me thousands of pregnant women or women with newborns,or ultrasound pictures or baby clothes or maternity shops (I know, how existential of me, right?). There are moments I just want people to stop talking to me about it. It's nobody's business to talk to me about my reproductive system, or my husbands. And frankly, I don't care if YOU get pregnant at the drop of a hat. So please, oh please, just don't mention it to me.
Today, I'm going to see the Twilight movie with an old pal I haven't seen in years. I am very much looking forward to it. And looking forward to seeing the movie. And tonight, dinner with D, who I miss very much!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Week(s) in Review
Christ I'm a slacker. No, for real. And it's not like I have an excuse for not writing. I have none. All the time I could be sitting here at the computer, I'm doing other things. Like watching hours upon hours of The Office. I hate to say that, while I've always sort of liked the show, I never really watched it religiously like most fans. I bought Season One for myself for my birthday last month. Then, I came into a little early Christmas money and bought Season Two just last week. And now, I can't seem to get enough. And by that, I mean I can't get enough of John Krasinski. I'm probably a couple years behind the time of falling madly in love with him like most Office fans, but who cares. I didn't get into Supernatural until just before Season Three as well. I didn't start watching both Alias and Lost until the tail end of Season One. Ah. Who cares, right? The point is I'm a fan now. And Netflix has Season Three available in Instant Watch. Which I will probably do for the majority of the day today because Rob is in Morrison preparing for his gig with the Clinton Symphony tomorrow. Jim Halpert, it's you and me today, baby.
This week, Rob had his Fall Break from Augie. What really sucked is that the majority of break, he spent it at work anyway, practicing for his gig. I won't lie. I was kind of upset. But what can you do? I wish my husband were able to take some time off and RELAX, which he desperately needs.
In other news, I wasn't cast in the musical I auditioned for a few weeks back. Honestly, I was a bit upset. Just between you, me, and the entire blogging community. I think any strong singer would feel the same way, as this is Jason Robert Brown we are talking about, and not just anyone can sing his music. JRB's music requires not only nuiance, but stamina. My anonymous reader would probably take a moment here to bash me for being so full of myself, but honestly, I'm a trained musical theatre singer who knows her shit. And one of the girls (notice I say girl, not woman) that was cast, in my opinion, is WAY too young and doesn't have the MT chops to handle the role. This kind of stuff makes me miss Cincinnati desperately. In Nati, mediocrity is thrown to the wayside. Granted, there is more talent in Nati than here (not saying there isn't talent here, just more of it there!). But there isn't that political bullshit there like there is here. It's a bit ridiculous, really.
However, because I wasn't cast, Rob and I bought our tickets to Texas to see Dad, Cathy, Abby and Jake. It was probably a blessing in disguise, not getting cast, because now we get to spend a week with our family. And that is going to be great. In addition, we are heading to Chicago a day before we fly out of O'Hare to take in some museums, and hopefully see our friend Andrea, and possibly Keith.
We are also trying to plan a trip out to LA to see Ross and Christopher. They have lived there for years now, and we've yet to pay them a visit. Rob has never been to LA (it's been over 10 years since I've been), so it is definitely time to do so. If we're able to go, we hope to get down to San Diego for a day or two. I was lucky enough to spend some time there in college on Choir Tour, and it was a beautiful, lovely place. In addition, I may even get to see old friend Celeste, and finally get to meet my blogger friend, Anne Elisabeth. We shall see!
This week, Rob had his Fall Break from Augie. What really sucked is that the majority of break, he spent it at work anyway, practicing for his gig. I won't lie. I was kind of upset. But what can you do? I wish my husband were able to take some time off and RELAX, which he desperately needs.
In other news, I wasn't cast in the musical I auditioned for a few weeks back. Honestly, I was a bit upset. Just between you, me, and the entire blogging community. I think any strong singer would feel the same way, as this is Jason Robert Brown we are talking about, and not just anyone can sing his music. JRB's music requires not only nuiance, but stamina. My anonymous reader would probably take a moment here to bash me for being so full of myself, but honestly, I'm a trained musical theatre singer who knows her shit. And one of the girls (notice I say girl, not woman) that was cast, in my opinion, is WAY too young and doesn't have the MT chops to handle the role. This kind of stuff makes me miss Cincinnati desperately. In Nati, mediocrity is thrown to the wayside. Granted, there is more talent in Nati than here (not saying there isn't talent here, just more of it there!). But there isn't that political bullshit there like there is here. It's a bit ridiculous, really.
However, because I wasn't cast, Rob and I bought our tickets to Texas to see Dad, Cathy, Abby and Jake. It was probably a blessing in disguise, not getting cast, because now we get to spend a week with our family. And that is going to be great. In addition, we are heading to Chicago a day before we fly out of O'Hare to take in some museums, and hopefully see our friend Andrea, and possibly Keith.
We are also trying to plan a trip out to LA to see Ross and Christopher. They have lived there for years now, and we've yet to pay them a visit. Rob has never been to LA (it's been over 10 years since I've been), so it is definitely time to do so. If we're able to go, we hope to get down to San Diego for a day or two. I was lucky enough to spend some time there in college on Choir Tour, and it was a beautiful, lovely place. In addition, I may even get to see old friend Celeste, and finally get to meet my blogger friend, Anne Elisabeth. We shall see!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
11-4-08
I don't want to say cheesy things. Or things that are cliche. But something happened last night that the whole world is buzzing from. Not only did we see the first black man elected president, but we saw a GREAT man elected president.
I am a liberal. And I am proud of that. My parents raised me to be a free-thinker. Politics, religion, it doesn't matter. I am a liberal. I believe in the upholding of the Constitution. I believe that women should always have the right to choose what happens to their bodies. I believe in equality no matter your race, creed, sexual preference. I believe that women have just as many rights as men, and should be given as such. I believe that my two best friends, a same-sex couple, should have the rights that all heterosexual couples do. I believe in affordable health care for everyone, as for a time in my life, I paid out of pocket for my own insurance, and understand the burden it is on the working class. I believe in the Earth, and hope to see it improve over the years to come, instead of perish because of ignorant people who can't understand its power and beauty. I am a liberal. And I helped to elect Barack Obama.
Last night, we spent 3 hours with our closest friends, glued to the television in hopes of seeing the man who has not only inspired us in that room but a nation sick and tired of the religious Right policies of a failed administration. Every one of us in that room understood the magnitude of every mistake of the Bush administration, and could not for a minute see how our nation could elect into office the McCain/Palin team. When, at 10pm, the TV flashed "Obama is President-Elect", we all sat there, in awe and disbelief. Shocked, we said "What? For real?", and it was. We kissed, we hugged, we cried. A collective group of young professionals, moved to a point of absolute joy no one could explain or put into words. When President-elect Obama came to the stage with his wife and two daughters, the tears silently flowed from all of us, myself included. We all sat in silence, listening to him speak of how we as a nation did this. The man who has inspired hope, change, ideas, freedom in each and every Obama supporter, spoke and we listened as he thanked Joe Biden, his family, his wife, and of course, promising a new puppy to his two young daughters.
I hope the pride I feel as a liberal American feels the same to everyone who shared in as magnificent night as I did.
I am a liberal. And I am proud of that. My parents raised me to be a free-thinker. Politics, religion, it doesn't matter. I am a liberal. I believe in the upholding of the Constitution. I believe that women should always have the right to choose what happens to their bodies. I believe in equality no matter your race, creed, sexual preference. I believe that women have just as many rights as men, and should be given as such. I believe that my two best friends, a same-sex couple, should have the rights that all heterosexual couples do. I believe in affordable health care for everyone, as for a time in my life, I paid out of pocket for my own insurance, and understand the burden it is on the working class. I believe in the Earth, and hope to see it improve over the years to come, instead of perish because of ignorant people who can't understand its power and beauty. I am a liberal. And I helped to elect Barack Obama.
Last night, we spent 3 hours with our closest friends, glued to the television in hopes of seeing the man who has not only inspired us in that room but a nation sick and tired of the religious Right policies of a failed administration. Every one of us in that room understood the magnitude of every mistake of the Bush administration, and could not for a minute see how our nation could elect into office the McCain/Palin team. When, at 10pm, the TV flashed "Obama is President-Elect", we all sat there, in awe and disbelief. Shocked, we said "What? For real?", and it was. We kissed, we hugged, we cried. A collective group of young professionals, moved to a point of absolute joy no one could explain or put into words. When President-elect Obama came to the stage with his wife and two daughters, the tears silently flowed from all of us, myself included. We all sat in silence, listening to him speak of how we as a nation did this. The man who has inspired hope, change, ideas, freedom in each and every Obama supporter, spoke and we listened as he thanked Joe Biden, his family, his wife, and of course, promising a new puppy to his two young daughters.
I hope the pride I feel as a liberal American feels the same to everyone who shared in as magnificent night as I did.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Halloween 2008
Pics from last night's party at Jake and Andy's house!
Scott from "V for Vendetta"
Can you guess what we are?
A very clean girl Erin
A stingy Jaci
Nosferatu!
A lovely group
Some random folks
!!!!!!!!
Bowie squared
Ann, Chris, Jill and Aaron
Andy and Arsh
Scott from "V for Vendetta"
Can you guess what we are?
A very clean girl Erin
A stingy Jaci
Nosferatu!
A lovely group
Some random folks
!!!!!!!!
Bowie squared
Ann, Chris, Jill and Aaron
Andy and Arsh
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Week in Review
It has been an absolute gorgeous autumn in the Quad Cities this year. Last year, we had so much rain the trees never turned. This year, the trees are just gorgeous. Or maybe it's because we live in Rock Island now that we notice all the colors. We feel very lucky to see all the Fall colors this year that we didn't get last year!
This past weekend was a busy one. Friday night, Rob and I hosted 3 couples (8 people total) in our first ever dinner party. We cooked an amazing meal that everyone loved, and had a blast with friends old and new. Around 11pm, I started to turn into a pumpkin and everyone finally left. We can't wait to host another so we can get these wonderful people back in our house! Christmas party, here we come.
Saturday, Rob and I started our Intro to Hatha I yoga class at Davenport School of Yoga. I tried going last Spring, but I didn't know much about the poses and always felt as if I was looking at everyone else rather than practicing the asanas. Now, it's me and Rob and only a few other folks in the class, with our amazing teacher Jeani, this little Austrailian woman who is probably the most gentle person I've ever met. We both left feeling amazing, and can't wait for class again this coming weekend. In addition to my gym workouts, I've been practicing yoga every day this week, and already I feel great!
On Saturday afternoon, we celebrated our grandparents 70th (yes, 70 years!!!) anniversary at Ridgecrest Village, where they live. We had a lovely party room and many folks came to celebrate. My sister and Lou came down with the two kids, and we finally got to meet our niece, Isabella.
Isabella
Enzo
The best part of the day was watching Uncle Rob and Enzo playing garbage truck for at least an hour. By the end, both boys were exhausted.
This week, both of Rob's siblings are in town. Ross from LA and Ann from Tasmania. We are looking forward to spending more time with them during their visits!
This past weekend was a busy one. Friday night, Rob and I hosted 3 couples (8 people total) in our first ever dinner party. We cooked an amazing meal that everyone loved, and had a blast with friends old and new. Around 11pm, I started to turn into a pumpkin and everyone finally left. We can't wait to host another so we can get these wonderful people back in our house! Christmas party, here we come.
Saturday, Rob and I started our Intro to Hatha I yoga class at Davenport School of Yoga. I tried going last Spring, but I didn't know much about the poses and always felt as if I was looking at everyone else rather than practicing the asanas. Now, it's me and Rob and only a few other folks in the class, with our amazing teacher Jeani, this little Austrailian woman who is probably the most gentle person I've ever met. We both left feeling amazing, and can't wait for class again this coming weekend. In addition to my gym workouts, I've been practicing yoga every day this week, and already I feel great!
On Saturday afternoon, we celebrated our grandparents 70th (yes, 70 years!!!) anniversary at Ridgecrest Village, where they live. We had a lovely party room and many folks came to celebrate. My sister and Lou came down with the two kids, and we finally got to meet our niece, Isabella.
Isabella
Enzo
The best part of the day was watching Uncle Rob and Enzo playing garbage truck for at least an hour. By the end, both boys were exhausted.
This week, both of Rob's siblings are in town. Ross from LA and Ann from Tasmania. We are looking forward to spending more time with them during their visits!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Week in Review
The big news of the week was that we finally painted the living room! After living with the dark, dismal green for 7 weeks, we decided to go with something a little more bright and warm. We tend toward the warm colors in this house- reds, browns, and now, yellow.
Before
Primed
Done!!
I call this the Panera Bread bathroom color. If you've ever been to a Panera Bread, you know what I'm talkin' bout. I love the warmth of this color, and it looks amazing next to the red dining room. We will, however, be finished with projects for a while. Next up? Getting rid of those horrifying colors in the studio.
Yesterday I had my first audition in about 6 months. The Green Room Theatre is staging a production of Jason Robert Brown's Songs for a New World in January, and I am hoping to be a part of it. I felt quite confident with my audition and singing from the score. Now all I gotta do is wait to hear!
This coming weekend, we are having a little dinner party and inviting some close friends, and some friends we'd like to get to know better. We are very excited for all of them to meet each other, and for us to host a lavish dinner. It's something we've been excited to do for years. Now that we finally have a beautiful dining room, the time has come!
This week, I'll spend some time grant writing, as deadlines are beginning to loom again. RTC can always use grants and donations, so it's time for me to put on my Producer hat and get to work.
Before
Primed
Done!!
I call this the Panera Bread bathroom color. If you've ever been to a Panera Bread, you know what I'm talkin' bout. I love the warmth of this color, and it looks amazing next to the red dining room. We will, however, be finished with projects for a while. Next up? Getting rid of those horrifying colors in the studio.
Yesterday I had my first audition in about 6 months. The Green Room Theatre is staging a production of Jason Robert Brown's Songs for a New World in January, and I am hoping to be a part of it. I felt quite confident with my audition and singing from the score. Now all I gotta do is wait to hear!
This coming weekend, we are having a little dinner party and inviting some close friends, and some friends we'd like to get to know better. We are very excited for all of them to meet each other, and for us to host a lavish dinner. It's something we've been excited to do for years. Now that we finally have a beautiful dining room, the time has come!
This week, I'll spend some time grant writing, as deadlines are beginning to loom again. RTC can always use grants and donations, so it's time for me to put on my Producer hat and get to work.
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