Just things...

I've stayed away from the blog for a while. I haven't wanted to write much as of late, which has bothered me. While in Texas, I had a conversation with Cathy (Dad's wife), who mentioned that she used to read my blog, but has since stopped because she didn't like what she read.

It confuses me, a touch. What she said was that she didn't like reading it because I said hurtful things about people. It really got me thinking about the content on this blog. I felt saddened that I may have hurt her or my father by what is written on this little space of the Internet. While I realize I am quite blunt when I write it, my intent is never to hurt anyone. Most times I'm writing, it's because I'm catching up the loved ones in my life as to what has been happening in my corner of the world; or to vent my frustrations about the QC artistic community, people who upset me, or just whatever is on my mind.

It recalls a post back in October when my family was in visiting from Texas. Most times, when my Dad and Cathy are in town, Rob and I will spend time with them, which means we also must spend time with my fathers sister, my aunt.

It's interesting, the dynamic I have with this woman. While I understand my father and stepmother have one experience with her, the experience I have with her is not the same. She has spent the last 10 or so years making me feel inadequate for many reasons. Some that come to mind are berating me for moving-in with my boyfriend, and quite possibly, having pre-marital sex (which, yes, of course we did. We lived together for 3 years before we got married). Asking my mother, AT OUR WEDDING, if the ceremony "counted" because there was no mention of any higher, spiritual power. And then, this past October, telling me that 28 is old for having a baby (meanwhile, I'm 31). This last comment actually hurt me. Most of the passive-aggressive things she says I try to blow off and ignore because they are small and unintelligible. But this little gem came out of her mouth, prime at the time when Rob and I are trying as hard as we can to conceive, and unable to do so.

I don't think she understands how things sound coming out of her mouth. She appears not to think about what she says before she says them. I don't want to assume (something I'm working VERY hard on), but she doesn't seem to be a happy woman. And if that is the case, I feel sorry for her. But she's like the little kid on the playground, who is bullied by the big kid, so he bullies a kid smaller than him so he can feel better about himself.

It's something I struggle with, whenever Dad and Cathy come to town. I don't mind spending time with my two uncle Jim's (one is her husband, the other her and my Dad's brother). Both men are kind, funny, and pleasant to be with. But in the end, what it comes down to is I just don't like the woman.

Now. This may be what Cathy was talking about. Might not be. But I also feel, since it's my blog, that it's also my prerogative to like or dislike whomever I want.

I'm back seeing Lucia (my therapist) again. It's something I'm ready for and enjoy, because she helps so greatly to put into perspective what I cannot. She talks much about perception. That what I perceive (or assume) is usually not what is really happening. It's just my experience. While in Texas, I had many nice conversations with Cathy. Something she said to me still rings in my mind. I was telling her all the things I worked on in therapy last year. How I dealt with the things I went through in my childhood when it came to my Dad. I told her that I had accepted what happened (my Dad and Mom divorcing during the most important years of my development and how it made me who I was) all those years ago, and that I was okay with the relationship I had with my father. She then said to me something like once I could come to my Dad and say this that and the other to him, then I would REALLY accept it. And she walked away. And what I really wanted to say to her was "nope. That is your perception of what is okay or how I feel. Maybe that's what you'd like to have happen, but I'm okay with it NOT happening. That is what acceptance is". It just really showed me that neither one of them know me much at all. And I accept that, too.
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What I've been working on lately is the fact that I feel so blocked. That is the perfect word: blocked. I feel like there is this wall in front of me, and I can't put my finger on what it is. It's standing between me and personal freedom and happiness. It's been hanging around since the summer, which leads Lucia and I to believe that I didn't recover from the stress of this summer i.e., three productions in three months, making an offer on a house, closing, moving, etc.. Because whatever it is, it hinders me from living my best, most happy life. And I want that. But first, I must knock down the wall, and find what is on the other side.

This week, I've gotten in contact with two very old friends. Both are people I met while in college. One was a young lady in the music department at Clarke with me who has fallen on hard times. She has health problems and her life is not where she'd like it to be. I hope that we can connect again soon.
The second is a man I met in the summer of 1996. He was a wonderful friend to me for many years, and someone who I always had a troublesome romantic history with. Over the years, our timing was always just a bit off. Something was always in the way, and we never got together. It is, truly, one of my biggest regrets. Of course I would never, EVER trade my life with Rob for anything. He is the love of my life, and clearly understands who and what I am like no one ever could (and no one else would probably put up with my bullshit). He has taught me what real unconditional love is. But I also know, and am comfortable with, that there is a part of me that will always love this man from my past. That there will always been a connection between us that is misunderstood. And I like that it is misunderstood. Trying to understand would most likely ruin it.