Acceptance

Hello, gentle reader.

It's been too long since I've written. But honestly, I haven't felt much like writing.

The winter included some very dark months for me, literally and figuratively. I wasn't myself, from about November until February, when I slowly started to come out of my cocoon of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Weight Watchers, visits to Lucia, and 5x/week visits to the gym have helped to clear my mind and allow me to function in the world again.

If you will allow me to get personal, I will inform you that the general malaise over the past months is because of our inability to conceive a baby. I was tired of every woman I know conceiving and not me. So, I disappeared from the world for a while. I sat many nights at home, alone (Rob was at school), thinking about our predicament, not speaking to anyone for months. Fielding negative thoughts (they were many in number) and trying to get around the inevitable question..."What if we CAN NOT conceive?"

I decided to no longer be a victim of my own negativity. I called my doctor. She is a WONDERFUL doctor. For the first time in my life, I feel that I have a physician who actually listens to my concerns, doesn't interrupt with her thoughts, and generally cares about my well-being. Plus, having gold-plated health care does help.

Rob and I went to see her together, and she promptly referred us to Dr. Figge, the leading fertility specialist in town. Our appointment is Tuesday afternoon, and I am anxiously awaiting this visit.

For once, I finally feel that we are getting somewhere. That there are answers to questions I've been going over and over for 18 months. There are so many factors as to why we may not be conceiving. He will address them, test us both beyond our wildest imaginations, and then... we'll just know.

I mentioned our gold-plated health care. I don't exaggerate. Augustana greatly cares for their employees and their families. We have found out that our insurance will cover (after the deductible) 4 retrievals of eggs, and 6 treatments of In-vitro. Which, in case you didn't know, is HUGE.

And then, if it turns out I don't even make eggs... then we call the adoption lawyers.

There is a bit of freedom, in knowing all of this. As if we are no longer in charge of our own destiny. I've never been one to believe in a higher spiritual power, and have always trusted science over anything else. But I'm finally getting to a point where I can just accept it. I know I will be a mom. I greatly would like to have the experience of pregnancy. However, if that is not in the cards for me... well... then I'll just deal.