Signs and The Karmic Balance

I've always been a person who believes in signs. While the majority of you know that I consider myself an atheist, I still feel there is something out there in the universe that guides and pulls us. To some, it's the deity of God, Jesus, any figure from religious literature. I was lucky enough to be raised by two people who allowed my sister and I to make decisions for ourselves when it came to our spiritual beliefs. I struggled for many years with this concept. A product of society, I always felt there was something in the world, some divine wisdom I couldn't see or touch, but knew was out there, that helped me on my path. But, on my personal journey, I realized that divinity was not God or Jesus. Not for me. I became interested in many other religious philosophies, and none of them ever felt comfortable in my skin. At the age of 25 I began to understand I was an atheist. A word that people spoke in hushed tones when I would tell them, accompanied by leary glances and looks that said "Blasphemy!". When my husband and I married beneath an ancient oak tree the summer of 2003 by a wonderfully gay woman officiant, my supremely religious aunt proceeded to ask my drunk mother at the reception if the ceremony "counted" because there was no mention of God or Jesus. My beautiful, soulful mother bit her tongue instead of punching the bitch in the head like she should have.

I've come to accept my decision of being called an atheist with pride, almost a badge of courage. While living in Cincinnati, an extremely conservative city who loves their religion, I would often have to explain myself and my beliefs. I never took offense, as people are curious to know how you come to believe and accept certain things about your life. The only time I ever became defensive was at a cast party for the 2005 New Directors Workshop, when a fellow colleague asked me "Well, if you don't believe in God, what is keeping you from going out and killing a bunch of people?!". "Silly, young boy," I said, "Religion and morality are two very different ideas. I can still be a good person in the eyes of society, I can still have values and morals and not be a God-loving Christian". When I got a blank look and an open jaw, I knew my job was finished. As a side note, I became dear friends with a man during the run of Chess. His name is Thurman, and he's a fantastic man who deserves nothing but happiness. I deeply respect Thurm. While knowing I am an atheist (he is very much a Christian), he never once questioned my beliefs, nor I his. We accepted each other on who we are as people, not what we believed when it came to a divine spiritual guide. Thanks, Thurm.

It wasn't until this past year I started to understand the role of the Divine Feminine in my life. Now before you assign names to me like "flake", or "treehugging dirt-worshipper", you must know that she isn't a sort of deity I worship. The Divine Feminine lives in all women. Her other name is Inner Voice. Before going deep into everything the Divine Feminine represents, all I'll say is you should just read Sue Monk Kidd's The Dance of the Dissident Daughter. Kidd eloquently penned both The Secret Life of Bees as well as The Mermaid Chair during the last few years (also spectacular).

Because I've always been a person who tries to recognize signs when given to her, I wanted to share with you something I've seen recently that has come to be quite a sight. About three weeks ago, I was taking Maddy on her morning walk, when I heard a unique bird call. I looked up to see the biggest black bird I've ever laid eyes on. With a gutteral sound coming out of it, I said to myself "That is the strangest crow I've ever seen". It was then that I realized I had seen a raven. Ravens are unique only to the northwest, as well as Norse countries, and there is much folklore and mythology surrounding the raven, which I will get to in a moment. That morning, the raven stayed on my right side as we walked down the street, continuing it's gutteral call. Maddy even looked up to see the bird, and the two seemed transfixed with each other as we finally rounded the corner and out of the birds' sight.

After seeing the raven a few weeks ago, I just chalked it up to an unusual happenstance, and forgot about it. This morning, while taking Maddy for her 8am jaunt, I heard the same call and, sure enough, looked up on my right side to see the raven, sitting atop the telephone wire. I was in awe of this beautiful, majestic bird. It called at me a few times, and as we passed the bird, it followed us, landing on the telephone wire across the street. It watched us for a few moments, then flew out of sight. As we walked toward home, I could still hear the call throughout the neighborhood.


Due to seeing the raven twice, I needed to find out if this was a sign. There had to be some sort of explanation to why I had seen the same bird twice in three weeks. If it had been a crow, I would have ignored it. But, seeing as ravens are unique and rare, I knew I had seen something special. I spent some time this morning researching raven lore and mythology, and the results were quite interesting....

The Raven is known in cultures of various Northwestern American peoples to be a "trickster" god. In many tales, the Raven was known to steal the moon, the stars and the sun, and spread them throughout the world. Before the Raven, people lived without fresh water and fire until he brought it to them. The Raven was known to bring light, and in some cultures, is thought to be who created the world. The Raven is very smart, thought to be the only animal, other than humans, that can count.

The Raven is also native to Norse countries, as I've said before. The mythical God Odin had two ravens, whom he sent to watch over the world, asking questions to both the living and the dead, and report back to Odin at the end of the day.

In folklore, to hear a raven croak on your left (which is why I mentioned twice he was on my right side) will bring ill will. Also, seeing a raven can mean good luck. The symbol of the raven is magical. And, of course, we all know the timeless tale from Edgar Allen Poe, in which a raven visits a lonely man to warn him of his impending death.

With all of that said, I can deduce the double sighting of the raven means good luck/news is on the way. I hope I am right...


In regards to karmic balance, I also am a big believer in "what comes around goes around". Karma is the theory that "it is not about retribution, vengeance, punishment or reward. Karma simply deals with what is". It is the ideal that the effects of all deeds actively create past, present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to others. I like this theory. I'm a Libra, and Libras must always have balance in their lives to feel at ease. So, naturally, the idea of karma fits well into my life.

I almost killed a dog yesterday.

This was, likely, the most intensely frightening experience of my adult life. Upon driving to the grocery store, Rob and were chatting about buying a house someday. It was a beautiful, sunny day in Humboldt County, and we were enjoying the afternoon together when all of the sudden, I see a little brown critter run out in front of my moving car. At first, I thought it was a rat or some kind of small rodent. When I realized it was a chihuahua, I screamed at the top of my lungs, slammed on the breaks, and heard a yip. Luckily, the guy behind me slammed on his breaks too, and a split-second later, the little dog ran out from under my car and back into the alley from which he ran out of. Heart trying to break out of my chest, breathing faster than my asthmatic trachea could allow, and my throat reeling from the scream, I sat in the middle of the street, cars waiting behind me while I attempted to catch my breath. Rob rubbed my leg and told me it was okay, the dog was okay, everyone is fine, I let up on the clutch and gave her a little gas and continued, albeit shaky, down the street. As we turned the corner, the guy behind me shouted "you stupid bitch!". I figured, he could call me a stupid bitch all he wanted, I didn't kill that damn dog. That was the important thing.

But it got me thinking about how we balance everything in our lives. Is there a cycle to it all? Is there a reason Rob and I have spent a miserable 6 months in dreary, wet Northern California? Will it pay off? Why did the little dog get spared? Did the guy behind me call me "a stupid bitch" because, two days previous, I called a guy "a stupid dick" in the parking lot of the grocery store? A lot of questions I may never know the answer to. All it does is make me appreciate my own actions, and know that I must always be mindful of what I say or do. Oprah said it best when she uttered "Turn your wounds into wisdom". Meaning, don't spread rumours, be polite, and try to see the best in people. That's how I choose to live my life. Because I'd rather turn my wounds to wisdom any day than spend my life being bitter, angry and judgmental.

Enough said.