Being Aware

In Stephen Sondheim's Company, there is a beautifully written song called "Being Alive". It ends the show as Bobby, the lead character, realizes his life up to this point has all been for nothing, and he begins to understand who and what he is. He realizes he doesn't want to be a womanizing commitment-phobe for the rest of his life, and tells the audience he is ready to live his life without fear of allowing himself to feel.

I hemmed and hawed the last few days, on whether or not I wanted to post something this...close to me. But I remembered something my pal Thurm put on his blog, and that was that he writes on his blog for himself, not for others. I know every single soul who reads this blog. Yes, Anonymous poster still reads my blog. Anonymous poster checks my blog every day. Why, I am unsure, considering the contempt they hold for me. That doesn't matter to me. My blog took the place of a written journal many moons ago. Because I can share it with people allows me to, like Bobby, live my life without fear of feeling. In my 30 years, I've begun to realize that sharing yourself with others is what makes you strong, not hiding who you are.

Since October, I've been seeing a therapist. Life coach. Whatever you want to call her. I'm open. Anyway, she is a wonderfully grounded woman who has taught me to see my life through visual imaging. By picturing things in your mind, and allowing yourself to feel your feelings while doing so, you can let go. It may sound a little new-agey to you, but I'm telling you, it works. For instance, I have two horrible memories of something my father's second wife (my siblings mother) did to me when I was very young. No, it was nothing physical, so don't go thinking that. But she was not very accepting of me, her husbands daughter from his first marriage. She never understood me, and for that, I pity her. But as a child, if not given the kind of love and understanding so desperately needed, a child begins to think they are unlovable. While in session, my therapist helped me to rid of both those memories. She helped me to go to that dark place that I was keeping all of those ugly things, and to set them free.

In sessions, I started to have a deeper understanding of who I am. What kind of parents I had, where I've come from. I've learned to accept the past for what it is. You may think that is easy, but it surely hasn't been. It took me this long to get my head on straight. Many of you know, but some of you don't, that Rob and I nearly broke up our marriage twice. Both times, it was because of me. For so long, I pushed his love for me away because deep down, I believed I was unworthy of it. For me, loving him is allowing him to love me. Sounds strange, I know, but if you think about, it makes perfect sense.

Being aware is like nothing I've ever felt. For most of my life, I walked around in a haze of confusion. I always felt like I was waiting for something to happen. I was always wanting more, always wanting to understand myself better. I've said it a hundred times, but I'll say it again. When you're finally ready to dig deep, to uncover all the ugliness inside of you, that is when you will truly begin to understand who you are. I know dealing with all the shit that happened in my childhood is why I am where I am right now. My father's absence from my life. My wicked stepmother (the first one, anyway. The second is a doll). My mother and stepfathers struggles to raise two children of broken marriages. As soon as I realized the kind of burden carrying all this crap was, and what it was doing to me, setting it down was all I could do. And then walking away.

Sure, there are still things I deal with on a daily basis. My father is still absent from my life. There is a part of me that realizes this might never change. That while I am equipped to deal with what his absence has done to my life, he may not be. That is the reality of the situation, and I am okay with that. I don't know what the future will bring. When Rob and I have a child, will this change? I don't know. But I've learned not to expect change. Only to accept. That is a big step for me.

So, as Bobby says, someone has made me aware of being alive. With the help of fabulous woman, all along, it was me.