The Fear Inside

How I feel about getting the F out of here in 4 months...

Well, Mom and Bert made it to Lesley's mom's visitation. Mom said she gave Les a hug, and cried a little when she saw her. She said "Two of your friends have lost their mothers in less than 3 months", and that broke Mom's heart. When I spoke to Les Saturday afternoon, she seemed surprisingly in good spirits, all considering. Joyce's funeral is tomorrow, and I hope Les knows that both our thoughts, as well as all of those out of town, are with her and her family.

Today was a mildly sunny day, the clouds rolling in mid-afternoon. Rob and I took the time to drive up to McKinleyville and hiked on the Hammond Trail, which snakes along Clam Beach and the Pacific Ocean. The views were pretty minimal, but we got a nice hour of hiking in before we headed to Ramone's, our fave coffee shop in town for some iced Chai and a chocolate croissant. I spent the rest of the afternoon in the laundromat, studying Lesson Two in my Kindermusik training, came home and aced the quiz (picture Homer Simpson singing "I am so smart, S-M-R-T!").

Rob and I had a lovely discussion while hiking today. At times, I feel as if I'm holding back something within myself when it comes to my Kindermusik training. Or even when it comes to having a thriving vocal studio and theatre company. There is this inherant need to feel as if I'm working my ass off, unhappily mind you, to really feel as if I deserve to have a "happy" life. It led us to talk about what was really going to make us happy. I had simple answers... a big house, DIY-style, filled with comfortable but not extravagant items. I want to enjoy my career, my life, my time with people I love. I want enough money to live comfortably, again, not extravagantly, and be able to take a vacation once a year. I'd like to build my own darkroom in my basement. Pretty simple, wouldn't you say? But what is it that is inside us that feels we need to work our fingers to the bone to be able to have those sorts of things? Being a Kindermusik teacher, along with operating my own vocal studio, I'll be able to have all of those things, as well as the time to devote to a theatre collective. Why is it that I feel that I don't deserve it? Is it because I was raised by two people who worked their own fingers to the bone, and we didn't have a pot to piss in most of my childhood? I am proud of the fact that I came from a lower-middle class upbringing, because I am a success story. I was raised by two people who, against all odds, provided a loving home for my sister and I, and we came out with a bright, solid head on our shoulders, along with some wicked-ass street smarts to boot. But, on the other hand, I don't want to think the same way as my parents might have. I am a firm believer in the fact that we all make our own luck. We all have the power, skills and resources to make things happen for ourselves. We can make changes that empower us to be successful. I don't want to be a person who feels I was dealt a shitty hand (and I don't), and live by the mantra "Life's a bitch and then you die". As Americans, most of us feel like we have to WORK WORK WORK to enjoy our victories. Not so, my friends. Not so. Why have we been given a life in the first place? To suffer at the hands of our own fate? No thank you. I like to think the same way as Jack Dawson in Titanic... life is a gift, and I don't intend to waste it. Not on working a job I despise, or being around people who provide nothing but negative energy and sarcasm. I'm almost 30, I've been around the block a few times, and realize, you know what? It doesn't have to be that way. But often times, it is the fear inside that halts us from achieving the things we really want. Fear to fail, fear to succeed, fear to really know the ugly things about ourselves. I read a quote recently that said "Know your qualifications, realize your responsibilities, grasp your opportunities, banish fear to the sidelines- and success is inevitable". So why don't all of you get out there and figure out what it is that really makes you happy... and go for it?

I picked up my recent black and white roll from the shop. The latest project is food, for our dream kitchen we intend to have someday soon!

I love this shot. It was taken at a cooler in the organic food co-op here in town. Who doesn't love champagne?


Taken at Loleta Cheese Factory, Loleta CA.


Chocolat from Sjaaks, Old Town Eureka.


Chocolate Decadance Torte from Ramone's, Old Town Eureka.