Happiness vs. Contentment

My journey as of late has been one fraught with conflicting emotions. For months, I fretted over the house. Was everything going okay with our loan? When will we close? Will we have enough money to get through?

Once all of this came and went with no hiccups, I found myself in a new house, with an extreme amount of free time. With the economy a nightmare, the studio is down a few students. I kind of figured that might be the case. But honestly, teaching is my livelihood. Take it away from me and I'm completely lost. I enjoy being in the studio more than I can say, and now that I'm not in it as much, I'm finding myself becoming more and more discontent.

The work I did in therapy last year still sticks with me, and I still find myself quite happy. But I also find there are extreme differences between being happy and being content. I'd like to feel both, because contentment is seeming to elude me most days.

I am far from depressed. Bored is more like it. While there are a few projects I'd like to do around the house, they will have to wait for a month or so. I am planning the theatre season, and getting things done there, so that is helping.

However, the more time I have on my hands to think, the more I'm beginning to realize how much I want a baby. That little person has decided not to come yet, and that is okay. Biology needs to make an appearance and take over. What I'm tired of hearing from people is "just relax and it will happen". Frankly, this comment does nothing but piss me off. I'm sure there are women friends who read this blog who can understand. Once a woman decides she wants a child, she wants it NOW. I am no exception. Once I did the work in therapy last year, I finally realized I was ready for a baby. That my past/childhood was nothing but just that - in the past. I dealt with the demons that were holding me back for so long in getting to the point that I was ready to make that step with my amazing husband. I also realize that it has been a bit crazy these past months since April: Elegies, Kimberly, Bees, packing, closing, moving. All in 6 months. That is a lot of stuff. My body was probably making it so no little person could survive with the amount of stress going on in there. But there isn't much stress now. So come on, little person. We're ready.


In case you wanted to see some of the shots Rob and I had taken by Jan Scott, click here to access her blog. Just scroll down and you'll see some of shots! We ordered our prints and should get them in a week or so. Can't wait!