So. I sat down the other night to write a dear friend a letter. Yes friends, an actual letter, sent through the post. I spent some time really putting everything I felt down on paper, and I realized how much I missed journaling (will perhaps start doing that more often?). But what started to come out, while writing this friend, were my true feelings. Emotions I haven't thought of in some time. How life was going here on the North Coast. I started to realize many wonderful things.
True, this has been a rough year. Not to sound overly-dramatic, but it was, quite possibly, the worst year of my life so far. With the exception of the "year of John", where I proceeded to lose 20 pounds and myself in the process. Besides the point... However, being here has also been quite wonderful. And I think I can only say that now because our stay here is nearly over, and I have seen so many changes in myself.
Why has it been so terrific? I detailed, in the letter, that for the first time in my life, I feel as if I know myself. How cliche, right? But it couldn't be any more true. I feel comfortable in my skin. Since leaving South Bay, these past four weeks have been solely mine. I've been taking my vitamins, taking care of myself. I'm eating right, I'm exercising. My body feels great. On the other hand, with the free time I've had, I've been able to cultivate so many ideas and passions I have. I've been photographing. I've been detailing my plans for my vocal academy and theatre company when we arrive back in the QC. I've been preparing to begin teaching Kindermusik. I've been spending much time with my husband. This, my friends, has been the true gem of coming to the West. Our relationship, since we married, was rocky at times. Most of those times, it was my fault. Once I claimed that, and owned that it was my fault, I was able to work through it and understand. Even if what I uncovered was ugly, I was not afraid. In truth, we are free, right? So, in turn, I have found that I love my husband. He is my best friend, partner, lover. How in the world could I have ever thought, for one second, that I needed or wanted something other than what I already had? I have come to realize the thing I had always dreamed off as a child, the great love of my life, was already here. I had found my "Lloyd Dobler" (for those of you Cameron Crowe fans, you'll get this reference).
I can't believe that, for the first time in my adult life, I feel happy. Why didn't I ever take care of my needs, my grown woman needs, before? I think this is something women have always, and will continue to, struggle with. I always said to myself that, before I have children, I will have something for me. I always thought it would be something tangible. My theatre company, for instance. And yes, that is something I still want. But now I understand that, for me, that "something" was just... me.
What a revelation.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Week in Review
A few points before I begin....
58 days until we leave California.
6 days until we leave for vacation.
We are both sort of feeling as if we are biding time at this point. We get up, go to work, and have an extreme amount of free time when we return home. We are staying in a lot so that we don't spend any of our hard-earned vacation money on random shit. So, in all honesty, we are bored out of our minds. You know, there are only so many times you can walk around Target, or the mall, or go to the beach until you feel as if you could scream. There is nothing left to do here that we haven't already done, and it's taking it's toll. Monday cannot come soon enough, where we will spend two glorious days in Sonoma/San Francisco, then on our way to see all of our friends and family in the Midwest.
In other news, I finally spoke to my new pal Tracy last week over the telephone. We spent two terrific hours, being complete girls and chatting about the most fun of topics. I just think it's wonderful, how the two of us have become friends over a series of blog posts, e-mails, and now phone conversations. I feel like I've found a kindred spirit, and the best part? She lives in the QC. We'll be able to be friends in each others live presence!
I am still having a blast at Bath and Body Works. The people I work with are wonderful, the store is bright and wonderful, and I love and believe in the product. I know I will miss it when we go. I'll also miss the amazing associate discount!
My new obsession are books by a writer named Stephenie Meyer. She is a mother of three boys, and, on a whim, started writing a young adult novel 4 years ago after having a vivid dream of two teenagers, madly in love, sitting in a meadow. What transpired was the outstanding book Twilight, the story of Bella and Edward, the ill-fated lovers. One, a human. The other? A vampire. At first, I was a bit skeptical. I mean, vampires? Really? But, I figured, I am a whore for Harry Potter books, which is a made-up world of wizards and odd creatures. Why not vampires? Of course, I fell in love with it. I read the thing in about 3 days. I couldn't put it down, for I wanted so desperately to finish it and find out what happened to the beloved and well-written characters. An amazing point, was that my friend Phillip in Cincinnati informed me his girlfriend is friends with the author! What a neat little fact. I just picked up New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. I am trying my best not to read too much of it, as I will need a book to read on the plane back home. Trust me, it's quite difficult.
Well, not much else to report as of now. I am still working my ass off at the cardio and strength training. You saw that pic... yah. I look pretty good.
58 days until we leave California.
6 days until we leave for vacation.
We are both sort of feeling as if we are biding time at this point. We get up, go to work, and have an extreme amount of free time when we return home. We are staying in a lot so that we don't spend any of our hard-earned vacation money on random shit. So, in all honesty, we are bored out of our minds. You know, there are only so many times you can walk around Target, or the mall, or go to the beach until you feel as if you could scream. There is nothing left to do here that we haven't already done, and it's taking it's toll. Monday cannot come soon enough, where we will spend two glorious days in Sonoma/San Francisco, then on our way to see all of our friends and family in the Midwest.
In other news, I finally spoke to my new pal Tracy last week over the telephone. We spent two terrific hours, being complete girls and chatting about the most fun of topics. I just think it's wonderful, how the two of us have become friends over a series of blog posts, e-mails, and now phone conversations. I feel like I've found a kindred spirit, and the best part? She lives in the QC. We'll be able to be friends in each others live presence!
I am still having a blast at Bath and Body Works. The people I work with are wonderful, the store is bright and wonderful, and I love and believe in the product. I know I will miss it when we go. I'll also miss the amazing associate discount!
My new obsession are books by a writer named Stephenie Meyer. She is a mother of three boys, and, on a whim, started writing a young adult novel 4 years ago after having a vivid dream of two teenagers, madly in love, sitting in a meadow. What transpired was the outstanding book Twilight, the story of Bella and Edward, the ill-fated lovers. One, a human. The other? A vampire. At first, I was a bit skeptical. I mean, vampires? Really? But, I figured, I am a whore for Harry Potter books, which is a made-up world of wizards and odd creatures. Why not vampires? Of course, I fell in love with it. I read the thing in about 3 days. I couldn't put it down, for I wanted so desperately to finish it and find out what happened to the beloved and well-written characters. An amazing point, was that my friend Phillip in Cincinnati informed me his girlfriend is friends with the author! What a neat little fact. I just picked up New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. I am trying my best not to read too much of it, as I will need a book to read on the plane back home. Trust me, it's quite difficult.
Well, not much else to report as of now. I am still working my ass off at the cardio and strength training. You saw that pic... yah. I look pretty good.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The New Me
This is the new, thinner, longer-haired me as of late. I like her. She is strong, healthy, wise. She takes care of herself, emotionally and physically. And she has killer skin and hair.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Patrick's Point
Well, it turned out to be a gorgeous day yesterday. It was the perfect day for Rob and I to go hiking at Patrick's Point State Park, just 25 miles north of Eureka in beautiful Trinidad, California. Patrick's Point is located on the cliffs directly above the ocean, with breathtaking views of the rocks below, the ocean and the nearby coast.
This day was hands down the most beautiful we have spent in California (with the exception of the Marin Headlands down in San Francisco). We hiked downward to Rocky Point, where I could've sworn I was in the movie The Count of Monte Cristo with the amazing views of the rocks.
Next, we continued to hike south to Abalone Point, but could've sworn we heard the cries of either a black or brown bear... and promptly turned back. (Black and Brown Bears are indigenous to this part of CA).
We then hiked over to the namesake of Patrick's Point to see the spectacular views. Front this viewpoint, you could clearly see the coastal shelf, where the land under the sea drops to the depths below.
Next, we hiked up to Wedding Rock, where couples often exchange vows high atop this beautiful precipice. We wondered how couples with families of older folk did this, as the hike was hard for us, two young and in shape people!
I was happy to take many shots with my two SLR cameras- one in color and one in black and white. I can't wait to see them, as the contrast between the black, volcanic rock and the white waves was pretty terrific.
We then headed into McKinleyville for some mexican food, then home for a lazy afternoon and a great evening of television. Let's just give a shout out to Heroes for a great season of tv and a f'in spectacular season finale.
This day was hands down the most beautiful we have spent in California (with the exception of the Marin Headlands down in San Francisco). We hiked downward to Rocky Point, where I could've sworn I was in the movie The Count of Monte Cristo with the amazing views of the rocks.
Next, we continued to hike south to Abalone Point, but could've sworn we heard the cries of either a black or brown bear... and promptly turned back. (Black and Brown Bears are indigenous to this part of CA).
We then hiked over to the namesake of Patrick's Point to see the spectacular views. Front this viewpoint, you could clearly see the coastal shelf, where the land under the sea drops to the depths below.
Next, we hiked up to Wedding Rock, where couples often exchange vows high atop this beautiful precipice. We wondered how couples with families of older folk did this, as the hike was hard for us, two young and in shape people!
I was happy to take many shots with my two SLR cameras- one in color and one in black and white. I can't wait to see them, as the contrast between the black, volcanic rock and the white waves was pretty terrific.
We then headed into McKinleyville for some mexican food, then home for a lazy afternoon and a great evening of television. Let's just give a shout out to Heroes for a great season of tv and a f'in spectacular season finale.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Week in Review
Another week has come and gone. It's amazing, how fast time goes now that I'm not at South Bay anymore. I'm having such a nice little time here now, just working a fun mall job. Rob is working as a Shift Leader at Blockbuster, and has been absent from me for many days. I miss him not being here. We had our first meal together today for the first time since Thursday. We both have the day off tomorrow. Hopefully, it will be a sunny day (it's been cloudy since Wednesday). We have planned to go hiking at Patrick's Point up in Trinidad. I won't hold my breath, because the weather can change on a dime here.
Well, we finally made it to the movies! It was the first time we had ventured out to the movies since July. Spider-man 3 was the show of choice, and we were saddened when we walked out of the theatre, half expecting to see the grand atrium of Newport on the Levee. We are thrilled that, in two weeks, we'll be seeing all of our friends in the Nati!!
Thursday, Rob and I both had the day off, so we took a little day trip to Willow Creek. This adorable little town lies 40 miles inland, nestled in the valley of the Trinity Alps, between the ocean town of Eureka and the hot, flat city of Redding.
(Vista Point, 3000 ft atop Berry Summit)
If you've ever seen the movie The Great Outdoors with John Candy and Dan Ackroyd, then you know what Willow Creek looks like. It is quite small, with only a handful of retail shops, restaurants, gas stations and other businesses. 1700 good souls reside near the Creek, where, due to it's valley location, is 15 degrees warmer than near the coast. We arrived to near 80 temps (what May should feel like!), which was quite a change from our average 57 (we still have the heat on during the evening). We made our way to Trinity River, which was more like a large creek itself. The water was so clear you could see straight to the bottom! It was just lovely. We took off our flip-flops and stuck our feet in the chilly water, watching a couple throw a ball to their black Lab. It was a lovely little day trip, and we are looking forward to heading there again.
(Trinity River, Willow Creek CA)
Well, we finally made it to the movies! It was the first time we had ventured out to the movies since July. Spider-man 3 was the show of choice, and we were saddened when we walked out of the theatre, half expecting to see the grand atrium of Newport on the Levee. We are thrilled that, in two weeks, we'll be seeing all of our friends in the Nati!!
Thursday, Rob and I both had the day off, so we took a little day trip to Willow Creek. This adorable little town lies 40 miles inland, nestled in the valley of the Trinity Alps, between the ocean town of Eureka and the hot, flat city of Redding.
(Vista Point, 3000 ft atop Berry Summit)
If you've ever seen the movie The Great Outdoors with John Candy and Dan Ackroyd, then you know what Willow Creek looks like. It is quite small, with only a handful of retail shops, restaurants, gas stations and other businesses. 1700 good souls reside near the Creek, where, due to it's valley location, is 15 degrees warmer than near the coast. We arrived to near 80 temps (what May should feel like!), which was quite a change from our average 57 (we still have the heat on during the evening). We made our way to Trinity River, which was more like a large creek itself. The water was so clear you could see straight to the bottom! It was just lovely. We took off our flip-flops and stuck our feet in the chilly water, watching a couple throw a ball to their black Lab. It was a lovely little day trip, and we are looking forward to heading there again.
(Trinity River, Willow Creek CA)
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Unbelievable
Okay, so can we talk about the complete letdown of American Idol this year? First off, the top ten couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, with the exception of the brilliant and vibrant Melinda Doolittle. But, of course, because she wasn't making young teenage girls cry or getting the "young" vote, she was voted off last night, making our top two finalists downright mediocre.
Doolittle is quite possibly the most talented, technically-amazing singer ever to star on American Idol. She can channel Gladys Knight, Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner in the slightest turn of a lick. But again, the american vote has let her down. I am sure Melinda will no doubt have a record deal by the end of the week, and will be another Jennifer Hudson i.e. she will have a bigger career than any of them, and the chops to continue (Ruben Studdard, anyone?) for a long time. It's just upsetting, to see such a wonderfully talented, beautiful individual shot down by two lousy singers. I think that both Jordin and Blake are just okay- Jordin has a nice voice, but she is still young, and often has a hard time controlling both her power and her vibrato. I think, with time and training, she would make a fine vocalist. But not now. And Blake? Well... I think Blake is getting by on merits other than his singing at this point.
Hang in there, Melinda! We love you!
Doolittle is quite possibly the most talented, technically-amazing singer ever to star on American Idol. She can channel Gladys Knight, Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner in the slightest turn of a lick. But again, the american vote has let her down. I am sure Melinda will no doubt have a record deal by the end of the week, and will be another Jennifer Hudson i.e. she will have a bigger career than any of them, and the chops to continue (Ruben Studdard, anyone?) for a long time. It's just upsetting, to see such a wonderfully talented, beautiful individual shot down by two lousy singers. I think that both Jordin and Blake are just okay- Jordin has a nice voice, but she is still young, and often has a hard time controlling both her power and her vibrato. I think, with time and training, she would make a fine vocalist. But not now. And Blake? Well... I think Blake is getting by on merits other than his singing at this point.
Hang in there, Melinda! We love you!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Week in Review
First off, let me give a big hurrah out to all the moms- Happy Mother's Day.
Second, it's been a grand week. Seriously. I feel like a million damn dollars. Rob had finals all week, which meant he was home a lot of the time. We were able to spend a lot of time together. We didn't do much, just walked around the mall, or watched TV, but it was nice anyway.
A week away from South Bay has done wonders for my spirits. I picked up my last paycheck on Friday, and felt no sense of guilt as I walked away from the school. While I do miss the children, I don't miss that tiny, gray office. Or sitting on the internet doing nothing for four hours at a time. No way.
I finally kicked the sore throat last night, which sort of hung around all week since Tuesday. But feeling good now. Rob and I have both been getting some hours in at our prospective part-time jobs. I really enjoy working at Bath and Body Works. I get a stellar discount, which I've been using frequently, and the people I work with are so fun and pleasant to be around. Plus, you've been in a BBW! You know how bright, exciting and beautifully-scented it is! How could I not like going to work?
Today was the first sunny day since last Monday. I have this amazing family in my Music Explorers class on Saturdays. There are three sisters (and a newborn girl, too) named Maddie, Katie and Bella. They are half-Asian half-white, and the most beautiful little girls you've ever seen. They love coming to class every week, and I love them being there. They are the highlight of my weekend. Last week, they gave me a gift... a kite. I was so thrilled with the gift. While it may be a small token of appreciation for them, it made me feel that I was providing them with an experience that they loved and cherished, and that the parents felt was a strong and wonderful activity for their girls. It just reiterated my thrill and excitement to get back to the QC and start teaching Kindermusik.
So since it was a beautiful day today, Rob and I started out by garage sale-ing for the better part of the morning. We came home with our parcels, packed a picnic and headed for Samoa Dunes. There were many families there today, or people with their dogs. We enjoyed our picnic, then put together our kite. It is a cute little thing, with an orange tropical fish on the front, but still quite sturdy. It was the perfect day to fly a kite, especially at the ocean, as it was quite breezy. And I had never flown a kite before. What, you say? It's true. Quite pathetic, that in nearly 30 years of life, I've never even tried it. But today was my day. I was a badass kite-flyer today.
Our kite in the air
My arm, actively flying a kite!!
And today was a great day. I had a sense of euphoria today, something I haven't felt in some time. Happiness. True, calm happiness. Maybe it was the sunshine. Or maybe it was spending the day with the person I love most in the world. Who knows. But also, who cares. I'm just glad to finally be happy again.
Second, it's been a grand week. Seriously. I feel like a million damn dollars. Rob had finals all week, which meant he was home a lot of the time. We were able to spend a lot of time together. We didn't do much, just walked around the mall, or watched TV, but it was nice anyway.
A week away from South Bay has done wonders for my spirits. I picked up my last paycheck on Friday, and felt no sense of guilt as I walked away from the school. While I do miss the children, I don't miss that tiny, gray office. Or sitting on the internet doing nothing for four hours at a time. No way.
I finally kicked the sore throat last night, which sort of hung around all week since Tuesday. But feeling good now. Rob and I have both been getting some hours in at our prospective part-time jobs. I really enjoy working at Bath and Body Works. I get a stellar discount, which I've been using frequently, and the people I work with are so fun and pleasant to be around. Plus, you've been in a BBW! You know how bright, exciting and beautifully-scented it is! How could I not like going to work?
Today was the first sunny day since last Monday. I have this amazing family in my Music Explorers class on Saturdays. There are three sisters (and a newborn girl, too) named Maddie, Katie and Bella. They are half-Asian half-white, and the most beautiful little girls you've ever seen. They love coming to class every week, and I love them being there. They are the highlight of my weekend. Last week, they gave me a gift... a kite. I was so thrilled with the gift. While it may be a small token of appreciation for them, it made me feel that I was providing them with an experience that they loved and cherished, and that the parents felt was a strong and wonderful activity for their girls. It just reiterated my thrill and excitement to get back to the QC and start teaching Kindermusik.
So since it was a beautiful day today, Rob and I started out by garage sale-ing for the better part of the morning. We came home with our parcels, packed a picnic and headed for Samoa Dunes. There were many families there today, or people with their dogs. We enjoyed our picnic, then put together our kite. It is a cute little thing, with an orange tropical fish on the front, but still quite sturdy. It was the perfect day to fly a kite, especially at the ocean, as it was quite breezy. And I had never flown a kite before. What, you say? It's true. Quite pathetic, that in nearly 30 years of life, I've never even tried it. But today was my day. I was a badass kite-flyer today.
Our kite in the air
My arm, actively flying a kite!!
And today was a great day. I had a sense of euphoria today, something I haven't felt in some time. Happiness. True, calm happiness. Maybe it was the sunshine. Or maybe it was spending the day with the person I love most in the world. Who knows. But also, who cares. I'm just glad to finally be happy again.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Random notes of late
Yesterday, I went to South Bay to do the whole postmortem thing. I gave my "official" notice, said goodbye to the kids (which I got a little emotional during), grabbed my shit and got the hell outta dodge. Knowing that I never have to go back to that place gave me a feeling of release I had not felt in a long time. And why did I stay at a place for so long that made me so unhappy? The only pro about staying there was the extra income... and let me tell you even that wasn't much. I will miss the children, and that is that.
It's strange, because I don't consider myself to be a reckless human being. I usually follow the rules. It was the way I was brought up. I stick things out, no matter how awful they get. I figured that with only 4 more weeks left, I could hang in there. But, as I said last week, Rob was tired of coming home to a "zombie". So, it was time to be done. It feels decadent, a luxury. A nice thing I've done for myself that will, in turn, make me so much happier.
So at the end of a beautiful, sunny, 70-degree day, I started to feel yucky. Yes, I got Rob's sore throat. All I can say is FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, this is the 8th or 9th time I've been sick since October. I am so fucking sick of being sick. Rob thinks that since I left South Bay, my body relaxed, and now it's just overcome by illness. I don't know what it is, but if I never get another sore throat/cold/flu in my life I will be a happy fucking camper. I've been gargling, downing the Emergen-C and sucking on Cold-eeze in the attempt to rid my body of the really nasty symptoms. Hopefully I can hold them off.
In other news, last week I finished my coursework in the Kindermusik training, and today got the confirmation that I am officially a Licensed Kindermusik Educator. I've been in contact with the woman who I'll be teaching for in the QC, and I am quite excited to begin the fall semester on August 20.
Only 29 days until we reach the Nati.
It's strange, because I don't consider myself to be a reckless human being. I usually follow the rules. It was the way I was brought up. I stick things out, no matter how awful they get. I figured that with only 4 more weeks left, I could hang in there. But, as I said last week, Rob was tired of coming home to a "zombie". So, it was time to be done. It feels decadent, a luxury. A nice thing I've done for myself that will, in turn, make me so much happier.
So at the end of a beautiful, sunny, 70-degree day, I started to feel yucky. Yes, I got Rob's sore throat. All I can say is FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, this is the 8th or 9th time I've been sick since October. I am so fucking sick of being sick. Rob thinks that since I left South Bay, my body relaxed, and now it's just overcome by illness. I don't know what it is, but if I never get another sore throat/cold/flu in my life I will be a happy fucking camper. I've been gargling, downing the Emergen-C and sucking on Cold-eeze in the attempt to rid my body of the really nasty symptoms. Hopefully I can hold them off.
In other news, last week I finished my coursework in the Kindermusik training, and today got the confirmation that I am officially a Licensed Kindermusik Educator. I've been in contact with the woman who I'll be teaching for in the QC, and I am quite excited to begin the fall semester on August 20.
Only 29 days until we reach the Nati.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Week in Review
Much has happened in the past days, so listen up. You might miss something.
Well, it was bound to happen at least once or twice since we moved here. Rob is sick. I mean, really sick. Like runny stuffy nose, aches and chills, a sore throat, etc.. In all honesty, I've been sick about 7-8 times since we moved here: since I started the exercise/eating right regimen, I haven't been sick once. But now that the school year is winding down for Rob (finals are next week), his body just gave up to the illness. I'm sure I am no peach to live with during an illness, but wow is this man a baby. I love him desperately, but Rob is the type of person who, when ill, wants everyone to be ill with him. Quite unpleasant.
I started working at Bath and Body Works, which has been fun so far. Sunday is my first day out on the floor, and I am looking forward to it. I hate all that beginning training crap they make you sit through. BBW is no different, as there were 4 hours of videos they made us ladies in training watch. So I am ready to get out on the floor and see actual people! I like working retail- there is just something about all that consumerism that is warm, inviting, and interesting to be a part of.
In other news, I left South Bay. Yes, I did. On Thursday, after I sat in my office for four hours doing absolutely nothing, I came home in a funk I couldn't shake. Rob and I had a throw-down, where he proceeded to tell me to "just quit!" because he was tired of coming home to a zombie. I liked seeing me from his point-of-view. Because I knew I had been depressed, distant, sad, angry. But when he finally said, at the top of his voice, that I looked like a zombie, I knew it was time to take control of my life. The only reason I was staying at South Bay was for the extra income. However, taking my life back for the next month, and being happy, I realized, was far more important than a few hundred bucks. It's that whole "leap and a net will appear" idea. I hope I'm right.
Lately, I've been having this dream. It's a recurring sex dream, actually, about a man from my past. I've been having this dream for the better part of my adult life (probably close to 12 years). Strange, as usually in this dream, he is somewhat standoff-ish. Not cold, but there is something in him that feels that he is wrong in being with me. It's interesting, because of course I would think he felt that way, because all those years ago, that was how he was with me in real life. But the other night, I had the same dream. He was different this time. Not standoff-ish or fighting himself. He actually wanted to be with me. The analyst in me wonders what this might mean. As a young woman, I was madly in lust with him, constantly wondering if he ever felt the same way for me as I did for him. I think there is a part of me that will always wonder that still. Now, as a grown woman, I feel that it was just a romantic notion of a young girl, naive to the ways of human communication. I've been in love twice since those days of wonderment, and have learned much from these relationships. I wonder, if what, would happen if I ever saw him again?
Well, it was bound to happen at least once or twice since we moved here. Rob is sick. I mean, really sick. Like runny stuffy nose, aches and chills, a sore throat, etc.. In all honesty, I've been sick about 7-8 times since we moved here: since I started the exercise/eating right regimen, I haven't been sick once. But now that the school year is winding down for Rob (finals are next week), his body just gave up to the illness. I'm sure I am no peach to live with during an illness, but wow is this man a baby. I love him desperately, but Rob is the type of person who, when ill, wants everyone to be ill with him. Quite unpleasant.
I started working at Bath and Body Works, which has been fun so far. Sunday is my first day out on the floor, and I am looking forward to it. I hate all that beginning training crap they make you sit through. BBW is no different, as there were 4 hours of videos they made us ladies in training watch. So I am ready to get out on the floor and see actual people! I like working retail- there is just something about all that consumerism that is warm, inviting, and interesting to be a part of.
In other news, I left South Bay. Yes, I did. On Thursday, after I sat in my office for four hours doing absolutely nothing, I came home in a funk I couldn't shake. Rob and I had a throw-down, where he proceeded to tell me to "just quit!" because he was tired of coming home to a zombie. I liked seeing me from his point-of-view. Because I knew I had been depressed, distant, sad, angry. But when he finally said, at the top of his voice, that I looked like a zombie, I knew it was time to take control of my life. The only reason I was staying at South Bay was for the extra income. However, taking my life back for the next month, and being happy, I realized, was far more important than a few hundred bucks. It's that whole "leap and a net will appear" idea. I hope I'm right.
Lately, I've been having this dream. It's a recurring sex dream, actually, about a man from my past. I've been having this dream for the better part of my adult life (probably close to 12 years). Strange, as usually in this dream, he is somewhat standoff-ish. Not cold, but there is something in him that feels that he is wrong in being with me. It's interesting, because of course I would think he felt that way, because all those years ago, that was how he was with me in real life. But the other night, I had the same dream. He was different this time. Not standoff-ish or fighting himself. He actually wanted to be with me. The analyst in me wonders what this might mean. As a young woman, I was madly in lust with him, constantly wondering if he ever felt the same way for me as I did for him. I think there is a part of me that will always wonder that still. Now, as a grown woman, I feel that it was just a romantic notion of a young girl, naive to the ways of human communication. I've been in love twice since those days of wonderment, and have learned much from these relationships. I wonder, if what, would happen if I ever saw him again?
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Feelin' Alright
Yes, it's true. I'm not sad anymore. I'm just not. Sure, I am irritated. Irritated with lousy customer service, bad Mexican food, people smoking up in their cars and eating a salad (from a bowl, mind you) while driving. But with the coming of May 1, something was different. Seeing May 1 on my calendar was like a vision of complete and utter serenity. In one month, we'll be in the Nati, then home for a week. Once we return to CA on June 18, we only have 5 more weeks here. It seems surreal, that it's this close. I am very happy it's May 2- just one day closer!
I know I keep going on and on and obsessing about the whole getting fit and eating right thing, but really, it's true. Yesterday, it rained. I do my cardio/pilates every other day. On the other days, I walk, then do 20 minutes of pilates when I return from walking. But as I said, yesterday it rained. So I didn't get to walk. And why can't I do cardio two days in a row, you ask? My nearly 30 year old knees and lower back can't stand it two days in a row, that's why. So I sat at the computer all day yesterday playing some game on Pogo.com because I didn't know what else to do. Then I noticed it last night. I was bitchy, irritable, felt disgusting. Same today. During school today, I was exhausted, couldn't keep my eyes open and so out of it. I realized that I hadn't worked out in two days! Jesus Christ, no wonder I felt awful. So I did the cardio today, and right after, I felt like a million damn dollars. Relaxed, cleansed, happy, sweaty, release. It was beautiful. I guess I am the poster child for getting in your exercise every day. Of course, I hate doing it. Don't we all? But the benefits far outweigh 30-45 minutes of sweat anyday: health, strength, sleep, and a fantastic body. The only thing I dislike? I'm losing the boob. Yep, when you start to lose fat, you lose it everywhere. It's okay, though. A small price to pay for being fit and looking hot.
The other thing about losing weight that is hard? Not eating the foods you love in giant portions. Yes, I'll admit it, I love to eat. I am an eater, or the technical term, a "foodie". I'll take a block of stilton and pears with a busty Cabernet anyday over Cheetos and beer (unless it's Rolling Rock, then we can talk). Cooking is a great passion of mine- now all I need is a functional kitchen, not in an apartment! I love food, and my weakness when I'm eating healthy? Potato Chips. Ah Jesus I love those f***ers. When I lived with Lesley, I could sit on the couch and eat an entire bag for dinner. Ah those where the days, when I was 22 and could eat anything and not be added to my thighs. Salty, greasy, lick your fingers amazingness. And those baked ones don't do the trick. It's gotta be Lay's Original in the yellow bag. You know what I'm talking about...
Here is a little something I wrote recently about my weight loss. Enjoy.
I watch myself grow thin.
Parts of my body are slowly disappearing.
In the emptiness where there were cheesecake,
chocolate, caramel,
becomes full.
Full of an appreciation for my own body.
I see myself in the mirror, shrinking
while I dream of peanut butter, slow melting
mingled with the sweetness of cinnamon sugar.
One taste of cookie dough ice cream.
Backwards spoon on my tongue to savor each
moment of rich and creamy. I become one with
a bag of potato chips: salty, crunchy goodness
that lingers on the fingertip.
Macaroni and cheese, eggplant parmesan,
soda are a thing of the past. But now,
there is a waist. Legs underneath that
short dress I long to wear in public.
And why?
Cheesecake will become walking.
Cheese becomes a clear complexion.
Chocolate becomes the fading darkness in my eyes.
What will I become when the food and the weight are gone?
I know I keep going on and on and obsessing about the whole getting fit and eating right thing, but really, it's true. Yesterday, it rained. I do my cardio/pilates every other day. On the other days, I walk, then do 20 minutes of pilates when I return from walking. But as I said, yesterday it rained. So I didn't get to walk. And why can't I do cardio two days in a row, you ask? My nearly 30 year old knees and lower back can't stand it two days in a row, that's why. So I sat at the computer all day yesterday playing some game on Pogo.com because I didn't know what else to do. Then I noticed it last night. I was bitchy, irritable, felt disgusting. Same today. During school today, I was exhausted, couldn't keep my eyes open and so out of it. I realized that I hadn't worked out in two days! Jesus Christ, no wonder I felt awful. So I did the cardio today, and right after, I felt like a million damn dollars. Relaxed, cleansed, happy, sweaty, release. It was beautiful. I guess I am the poster child for getting in your exercise every day. Of course, I hate doing it. Don't we all? But the benefits far outweigh 30-45 minutes of sweat anyday: health, strength, sleep, and a fantastic body. The only thing I dislike? I'm losing the boob. Yep, when you start to lose fat, you lose it everywhere. It's okay, though. A small price to pay for being fit and looking hot.
The other thing about losing weight that is hard? Not eating the foods you love in giant portions. Yes, I'll admit it, I love to eat. I am an eater, or the technical term, a "foodie". I'll take a block of stilton and pears with a busty Cabernet anyday over Cheetos and beer (unless it's Rolling Rock, then we can talk). Cooking is a great passion of mine- now all I need is a functional kitchen, not in an apartment! I love food, and my weakness when I'm eating healthy? Potato Chips. Ah Jesus I love those f***ers. When I lived with Lesley, I could sit on the couch and eat an entire bag for dinner. Ah those where the days, when I was 22 and could eat anything and not be added to my thighs. Salty, greasy, lick your fingers amazingness. And those baked ones don't do the trick. It's gotta be Lay's Original in the yellow bag. You know what I'm talking about...
Here is a little something I wrote recently about my weight loss. Enjoy.
I watch myself grow thin.
Parts of my body are slowly disappearing.
In the emptiness where there were cheesecake,
chocolate, caramel,
becomes full.
Full of an appreciation for my own body.
I see myself in the mirror, shrinking
while I dream of peanut butter, slow melting
mingled with the sweetness of cinnamon sugar.
One taste of cookie dough ice cream.
Backwards spoon on my tongue to savor each
moment of rich and creamy. I become one with
a bag of potato chips: salty, crunchy goodness
that lingers on the fingertip.
Macaroni and cheese, eggplant parmesan,
soda are a thing of the past. But now,
there is a waist. Legs underneath that
short dress I long to wear in public.
And why?
Cheesecake will become walking.
Cheese becomes a clear complexion.
Chocolate becomes the fading darkness in my eyes.
What will I become when the food and the weight are gone?
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