Revelations

So. I sat down the other night to write a dear friend a letter. Yes friends, an actual letter, sent through the post. I spent some time really putting everything I felt down on paper, and I realized how much I missed journaling (will perhaps start doing that more often?). But what started to come out, while writing this friend, were my true feelings. Emotions I haven't thought of in some time. How life was going here on the North Coast. I started to realize many wonderful things.

True, this has been a rough year. Not to sound overly-dramatic, but it was, quite possibly, the worst year of my life so far. With the exception of the "year of John", where I proceeded to lose 20 pounds and myself in the process. Besides the point... However, being here has also been quite wonderful. And I think I can only say that now because our stay here is nearly over, and I have seen so many changes in myself.

Why has it been so terrific? I detailed, in the letter, that for the first time in my life, I feel as if I know myself. How cliche, right? But it couldn't be any more true. I feel comfortable in my skin. Since leaving South Bay, these past four weeks have been solely mine. I've been taking my vitamins, taking care of myself. I'm eating right, I'm exercising. My body feels great. On the other hand, with the free time I've had, I've been able to cultivate so many ideas and passions I have. I've been photographing. I've been detailing my plans for my vocal academy and theatre company when we arrive back in the QC. I've been preparing to begin teaching Kindermusik. I've been spending much time with my husband. This, my friends, has been the true gem of coming to the West. Our relationship, since we married, was rocky at times. Most of those times, it was my fault. Once I claimed that, and owned that it was my fault, I was able to work through it and understand. Even if what I uncovered was ugly, I was not afraid. In truth, we are free, right? So, in turn, I have found that I love my husband. He is my best friend, partner, lover. How in the world could I have ever thought, for one second, that I needed or wanted something other than what I already had? I have come to realize the thing I had always dreamed off as a child, the great love of my life, was already here. I had found my "Lloyd Dobler" (for those of you Cameron Crowe fans, you'll get this reference).

I can't believe that, for the first time in my adult life, I feel happy. Why didn't I ever take care of my needs, my grown woman needs, before? I think this is something women have always, and will continue to, struggle with. I always said to myself that, before I have children, I will have something for me. I always thought it would be something tangible. My theatre company, for instance. And yes, that is something I still want. But now I understand that, for me, that "something" was just... me.

What a revelation.