Passion Post-mortem

I've had vivid dreams as of late. Maybe it's the book I'm reading before I go to sleep. Maybe it's the cocoa puffs before bed. Maybe it's chemical/hormonal. At any rate, they feel so real. I've always been one of those people who remembers each detail, too, as if reading from a book. I could tell you each color, texture, sound in the dream.

I feel myself slipping away from the people who've grown so close to me. I hate this. I dream about them, all of them. I find myself sad if a day or two goes by and I don't get a text message from Charlie or B, or Chuck. Or if I don't hear from Kels or Mark. What was my life for a few months is slowly starting to fall away from me. That, I'm frightened of. I found I was in the middle of a passionate love affair with myself. Finding the person I've always wanted to be hidden deep-down, in that warm, dark place. A place that only a woman can know or feel. She is there. She is me. And I wonder how I can keep her now that this part of my life is over? How do I hold onto that identity and not let her slip away? Because I don't want to go through the rest of my life being something I've always despised- Mini-Van-Driving-Bad-Haircut-Soccer-Mom who is only looked upon as Wife or Mother. NO THANK YOU. Women aren't put on this Earth to just procreate, raise babies, clean house, cook meals, etc.. Don't get me wrong, I respect and admire the women who do those things. But it isn't something that I choose for myself. And I feel for the women who had dreams and goals for themselves, then choose another road. Are they truly happy with their lives? Or are they always searching and yearning for something more? For more of anything in their life because the monotony of their daily lives leaves them screaming on the inside? Sure I want to have a baby someday, but I don't want to let that define who I am. I'm a woman first. A woman with fire, love, passion, desire, wants.

Women I admire-
-Hilary Clinton
-Eleanor Roosevelt
-Sue Monk Kidd
-Tori Amos
-Jill Ciment
-Etta James
-Toni Morrison
-Annette Benning
-Oprah (come on, she's awesome)
-Aretha Franklin
-Alice Sebold
-Joan Allen
-Judi Dench
-Pauline Bedford (my grandma)
-My mom