More Random s*%#

Yes, I was pretty depressed over Thanksgiving. It was extremely hard for me to be away from any loved one or friend on the big day (other than Rob). I hastened to mention that in my last post, as I didn't feel like getting a barage of emails worrying about my mental/emotional health. If you lived here, I think you may feel the same as I do. Let's count the reason's why Humboldt County sucks, shall we?

1. The weather- we had about five different types of weather today, all which included sunshine, rain, clouds and yes, even hail at one point this afternoon. I miss having a fall day where it is consistently sunny the entire day, not just for 15 minutes. No wonder the West Coast has the highest suicide rate per capita- it's so f*#king dismal here.

2. I have no friends- what is the point, really? There aren't any A) Gay boys who even compare to Charlie, Michael, Chuck, Matt, Mark, etc. or any of the other fabulous men in my life- B) Interesting, smart, sassy, fun females to feel close to or share private girly things with such as Les, Ann, Sarah E, Kels, etc.- C) People who aren't stoned 24/7. And don't really have the time or energy to devote to creating and cultivating any friendships because (fingers crossed) we'll be out of here by next summer.

3. I hate my jobs- I'm almost 30. Shouldn't I be at a point in my life where I'm working and doing things that I love and am passionate about? Like teaching. However, I need more than 7 students to really make a go of it. Or acting. But considering the theatre (and I use that term loosely) in this town, there is no way in Hell I'll make a go at that, either. I am a glorified babysitter, let's be honest. I care for and supervise some very amazing children, but have to drive 20 miles to and fro each day to make a measly wage doing it. I'm beginning to realize, no matter how cool and fun the kids are, this isn't worth it. The tutoring is fine- I enjoy it, it's only my mornings, and the pay is pretty awesome. But Kidsclub is becoming more of a chore than a pleasure. I feel in limbo right now- we have no idea where we will be next year, so it's useless for me to apply to Masters programs as of yet. I feel so stuck.
However, I do have a really amazing opportunity that I'm hoping works out. One of the newspapers in town is looking for a PT photographer. I applied, and took some of my B&W work down to the photo editor today. If I get this position, I'm quitting Kidsclub, which means more time to devote to singing/performing, and most importantly, ME. Also, what a great way to earn income, doing something I'm extremely excited and passionate about. For a little while anyway, until I can get into a Masters program and go after what I REALLY want.

4. People are freakin' idiots here- Rob and I were out driving the other day when we came past a lot selling Christmas Trees. Here was the sign they had in front.



Need I say more?

Les sent me a link last week- for some fun click here or
here. They both have kept me in hysterics for days now.

Turkey 101

Yeah, go ahead and say it... I'm a culinary genius. I roasted my 5th turkey yesterday, and she was a beauty. Tender and delicious, this 9-pounder was the best turkey I've ever cooked. Thanksgiving went off without a hitch, complete with all the trimmings. Rob and I were pretty drunk by dinner time at 3pm. We finished around 4 and headed down to Walgreens for some Afrin, then over to Blockbuster where we walked around in our slippers while searching for the perfect title (we decided on Cars). We ended the evening watching our shows Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy and one of my most favorite movies Love Actually before hitting the sack, completely exhausted.

I will have to say that I think I'm a bit dumber after watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. What the %#*$?! The parade sucked this year. Bad performances, even worse camera-work, and I miss Katie Couric desperately. I make no apologizes for saying that Meredith Viera sucks the big fat one. And I realize that I'm a little out of the theatre loop out here on the West Coast, but when did they decide to make The Grinch into a musical? Don't even get me started on how dorky, and strangely both short and feminine, the Grinch appeared on TV. Theodore Geisel is rolling in his grave.

We've had a rarity of two days in a row of sunshine! Today Rob and I headed down to my new favorite store, Swanlund's Camera and Photo. For those of you who don't know, I have an ancient Pentax SLR camera, passed down from Mom from when my parents were still married (to each other). Being over 30 years old, this camera is well-made and still allows me (when my composition is right on) to take brilliant photos. I prefer to take black and white photos over color, and prefer it to my digital- you just can't get brilliant contrast unless you're using an SLR that isn't digital. Anyway, I took it into the guy as the it needed a few minor repairs. He took a look at it, fixed my light meter and repaired two other things I needed done in a flash and didn't even charge me for it! This is my new place for all things camera, as they sell the good B&W film (not that Kodak shit) for decent prices, and they do in-house B&W processing. I was thrilled. After, Rob and I headed down to Old Town for lunch, then over to Samoa Dunes, where I took out my newly repaired camera for a test spin. I think I'll have some pretty amazing shots out of this roll. We headed to the mall for a brief spin, then home. Tonight will be left-overs and watching Cars- quite relaxing.

And, in just a week, our new computer arrives! I can't wait!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all, in case I missed you.

Mid-week review

Well, dinner with Elizabeth and Bob turned out to be pretty bearable... although, two glasses of wine did seem to ease us into it a bit. We chatted about many things, and when she started talking shop, I wanted to drown my sorrows in my Riesling. Ah, well, it was still a nice italian meal at Mazotti's- a little like Pompilio's in Newport, but not quite a good.

I did something Saturday I haven't done since moving here... I sang. What?! you may ask, "you haven't sang since August?!". Alas, tis true. I haven't had the time nor the energy to do so. But Saturday, Rob and sat at the piano and sang through a few of my favorites. It was spectacular, that feeling again. It started a chain reaction in both of us to be a bit more pro-active about our happiness while here. We've decided to put together a cabaret act, and we're going to try to market ourselves to many of the local businesses in hopes they want to hire us! If we get some monthly gigs, I will be able to quit one of my jobs, which seems to be more of a drain on me lately than good for my soul. I'm working close to 9 hours a day, and by the time I get home, I have no energy to do my pilates, let alone sing anything. I made the decision months ago to eliminate negative energy from my life... cultivating my happiness and feeling more powerful than powerless is more important to me than working my ass off for miserable pay. I want more time for photography, for writing, for ME, because isn't that the most important thing in life? Taking care of yourself and being happy? I only have one shot at this, and I don't want to spend even a part of it being miserable if I can help it.

Plan for Thanksgiving? I hope all of you will be spending it with loved ones and feeling warmth and happiness this holiday. While ours won't be nearly as fun as last years' (Keith and I in a red-wine coma most the afternoon, endless Trivial Pursuit into the night with Erin and Jason), we will be together, Rob and I, and that will be quite nice. We are also looking forward to spending 4 days off together.

In other news, Rob and I rented the movie Accepted the other night. The film stars actor Justin Long (the "I'm a Mac" guy from the Mac commercials) and a few other young comedians. It was really quite funny- not really a "frat boy" type of movie as I had originally expected. If you get a chance, rent it- it's worth a watch!

Good news

Despite feeling a bit depressed this week, we had some good news come our way. Rob has made the first cut at two jobs, and we found out about both in the same day! One of the jobs is in Seattle- kinda cool, as I could channel my inner Cameron Crowe as well as Grey's Anatomy. The other job is in upstate New York. It isn't the fact that he's made the first cut, it's that he's now two for two. If he has this good of a chance at these jobs, then he has a good chance with all the other jobs, too. This makes us both feel confident that, come next year, we will be out of this theatre-dead town.

In other news, we are getting a new computer! Rob's folks got us a brand-new Dell, with all the bells and whistles. We are thoroughly jazzed- I will now be able to check email again, or post photos on my blog in a flash. Ah, the little things you take for granted...

Tonight is dinner with Elizabeth and Bob. Elizabeth is the voice teacher at HSU, Bob is her partner. While they are both quite nice, I really dread having to sit with this woman, knowing all the while she is ruining her students' voices. Apparently, HSU is doing Urinetown next year and she will be coaching the singers. I'm scared for these poor kids, as she is a legit-girl to the core, with not a musical theatre bone in her body. Hopefully we won't be here next year to listen to them butcher a lovely show.

Am cooking Thanksgiving dinner by myself next week, and I can't wait. It will be just Rob, Maddy and I for the big day. I wish we were going to be in Illinois to see my sister, brother-in-law and nephew, as they will not be home for Christmas. Or down in Texas with my Dad and Cathy. But, as important as family is, we won't be able to make it home. I guess the phone will have to suffice.

Weekly Update

To be quite honest, it's been a helluva week. Even with three days off in a row, I'm still exhausted. Beyond exhausted. Funny. The last two weeks, I've been sleeping so hard. When I awake the next morning, I'm usually in another dimension. Plus I've been having dreams. Not like the ones I was having back in September. These are much more chaotic. I dreamt a few nights ago that my stepfather died. And all I could think of was my mother, how anguished she must feel. And I've had numerous dreams about my nephew, Enzo. Nothing tragic ever happens to him, but he's there. Last night, I dreamt I was back in the 3rd grade, and was given the grade of "C" on a paper that I was so proud of, because it was written from my own opinions. I felt so dire, so ashamed. And again, my mother was there, trying to fight my teacher on the "C" grade. I cried, because there I was, 9 years old, given a "C" because the teacher didn't agree with my ideas.

Of course I know why I dreamt of each of these things. Seriously you're reading the Queen of Dream Analysis' blog here. My mother has been having some knee problems the past few weeks. She finally went to see the doctor last week, and was told she will need surgery. It's funny, the way I felt when she told me. When I was young, I remember my mother falling down the basement stairs. I was so frightened. In my young mind, I believed she was going to die from the fall. Looking back, I'm sure she was sore, but no real damage was done. Emotionally, I was so scared I would lose her. I had "lost" my father, hadn't I? How could a four-year-old not believe she would lose her mother, too? When Mom told me she was having surgery, it brought back such feelings of fear and loss I couldn't explain. While I know she will be okay after a few days/weeks of rest, the four-year-old inside is still frightened for her.

As far as dreaming of my nephew, I'm so distraught. Not having seen him in 14 months, he has no idea who we, Rob and I, are. Now that I'm getting older and realizing how important my family is to me, it saddens me that I haven't been able to see him grow up. Seeing him in my dreams is the only way I get to experience his youth.

The dream of the 3rd grade is simple- I've been feeling so hopelessly homesick and a little depressed lately. (For those of you reading this, I'm okay... just let me vent for a moment, kay?) I really hate this place. The dampness, the rain, the clouds. The idiots who call this place home. It's a little too hillbilly/hippie for my tastes. I miss people being nice to each other. I miss my family. My friends. I hate not knowing anyone here. My saving grace has been Rob. We've been so good lately, so close and in tune with each other. The move here, I am grateful for one thing and that is that I realize I am truly in love with my husband. He supports and loves me. He takes care of me when I'm sad and celebrates with me when I'm happy. His love cradles and warms me, and I was a fool to, even for a moment, think of throwing that away. I'm so happy I've taken this journey of self-discovery the past few months. Without it, I almost lost him.

With that said, I guess I enjoyed my few days off. Friday Rob and I spent the day together, window-shopping and buying xmas gifts. We ended the night at Hana, our new favorite sushi bar. Saturday was my spa day- facial and pedi- so divine. We splurged at Pachanga for dinner- mexican food. Double divine.

I'm getting skinny! Pilates and sticking to the Weight Watchers plan has been paying off. Rob has lost over 10 pounds, and my sexy pants fit again. I will not complain.

We put up our Xmas lights last night. I know, I know, it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but we needed a little happiness to brighten our homesick moods.

Other than that, nothing new to report. You Cincinnati people, I miss you desperately (Chuck, I'm IM-ing you right now!) and cannot wait to see you in December. QC people, I miss you even more. Also can't wait to see you in December.

Ciao lovelies.

Weekly Update

So I had my first California audition this past Sunday. I walked into the theatre, which looked one-part Cincy Shakes and one-part Footlighters. I.E. A dump. But it was quiant and I decided to stay. I was auditioning for Neil Simon's Jake's Women, and read for the part of Molly, Jake's daughter. While I was clearly the best choice for the role, the director couldn't see me in the part, let alone any of the other roles. I got the call today that I wasn't cast. The director was this long-haired hippie guy, who was clearly on some sort of illegal substance... either that or it was left over from the 60's. However, the Artistic Director of the company was the one who made the call, and said he was holding my resume and headshot in his hand and was "quite impressed" with my credits and what he saw. He said to definately keep them in mind for future shows. I'm sure I will. While it would have been nice to be back on stage again, I realized that I wasn't too upset by it- I'm working two jobs and teaching on Saturdays. Do I really need one more thing on my plate?

It's been a nice week, despite the rain that continues to fall. It's finally starting to get "cold", a mere 40 degrees here. I told my old friend Kalyca today in an email that I'd rather have cold and windy Illinois Autumn than this balmy, humid, rainy California one. Yuck.

We've started our Christmas shopping, which is nice because we actually have the money to do it! And we got paid today from the academy, which was beautiful- we used much of our savings to purchase plane tickets and a rental car for our holiday trip home. The academy checks resupply our savings and then some.

I am looking forward to Thursday night... why? Because Friday there is no school due to Veterans Day, and no teaching on Saturday. I will have a REAL weekend off, like people really have weekends off! I'm so excited. Plus, I'm headed to the spa for my birthday treat from Rob. Can't wait!

While being a CA resident is interesting, I'm sad to hear that our Governor-elect is still an English-mangling has-been movie star. I'm disgusted. But hey! Give it up to America and the Democrats rockin' the House! Pun firmly intended.

Acceptance

I was thinking today, about being in the theatre. I know that my, for lack of a better word, "Issues" with abandonment from years as a child, would of course stem into my want of being noticed. So my question is this... am I an actor because I truly love performing? Or is my love of the stage really just a cry for attention?

Why do any of us in the theatre want to perform? What is it that compels us to don layers of make-up and ugly polyester costume, and step out into the light? For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be an actor. My mother has a cassette tape of me, two years old, singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider in perfect pitch. What does that say? That I've always loved to sing. Long before any "abandonment" issues took place, I just wanted to sing. But what was it that finally made me decide to take auditions? I didn't perform in anything, except a 5th grade play, until I was 15. My very first show was Oklahoma! my sophomore year of high school. Despite the wholesome nature of a show too-often produced, I had been bitten. My acting sucked. I remember that. But yet I was given six lines to recite, and was scared to death. Robot girl, up on stage, fumbling over her lines. Yup, that was me.

But the summer after my 10th grade year, I spent 9 weeks working stage crew at a local Shakespeare in the Park, called Genesius Guild, where I saw local actors doing their thing nightly for free, and loving it. And they were really good. I watched their every move, line, inflection. When I came back my junior year of high school, I nailed my audition for the fall musical, Cabaret, and scored one of the leading roles.

Being a voice instructor, I'm often asked if it is talent or hard-work that gets you noticed. I used to believe it was talent, when I was young and naive. It's been a long time since Robot Girl first stepped out in the limelight and forgot one of her six lines. And I know that it's usually about 95% hard work, 3% talent, and 2% luck. Just go into an audition some time. You can see it, the people who work really hard at their instrument (me) and those who think they can just sail through the audition on politics and a little bit of talent. Ah yes, I live in my own fantasy world. But when I have a theatre company, it will be different. I will cast soully on who gives the best audition. Every time. I promise.

Back to my acceptance rant... why do we care so much of what people think of us? I'm to a point in my life where I'm through with pleasing people who think they know everything. I think as a child, all I wanted was acceptance, attention, and to be understood. Is that why I went into the theatre? Because being someone else for a little while is easier than being who you really are, or dealing with your own emotional crap? I think that is a question every actor should ask themselves. Because I was never the outspoken "drama queen" you think of when you idealize an actress. I know people like that. I despise people like that. Because what do they become when they grow up? They become those annoying, long-winded people you desperately avoid at parties and other social functions for fear of being sucked into their conversation vortex.

All I know is this... I love to perform. I love to create. I don't care about pleasing anyone else in this life except for myself, my loved ones and those who I care about and are close to. As far as being accepted when it comes to the theatre, all I want to do is live a life full of passion and the knowledge that I'm living up to my creative and curious potential. In the end, that will be enough.