Acceptance

I was thinking today, about being in the theatre. I know that my, for lack of a better word, "Issues" with abandonment from years as a child, would of course stem into my want of being noticed. So my question is this... am I an actor because I truly love performing? Or is my love of the stage really just a cry for attention?

Why do any of us in the theatre want to perform? What is it that compels us to don layers of make-up and ugly polyester costume, and step out into the light? For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be an actor. My mother has a cassette tape of me, two years old, singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider in perfect pitch. What does that say? That I've always loved to sing. Long before any "abandonment" issues took place, I just wanted to sing. But what was it that finally made me decide to take auditions? I didn't perform in anything, except a 5th grade play, until I was 15. My very first show was Oklahoma! my sophomore year of high school. Despite the wholesome nature of a show too-often produced, I had been bitten. My acting sucked. I remember that. But yet I was given six lines to recite, and was scared to death. Robot girl, up on stage, fumbling over her lines. Yup, that was me.

But the summer after my 10th grade year, I spent 9 weeks working stage crew at a local Shakespeare in the Park, called Genesius Guild, where I saw local actors doing their thing nightly for free, and loving it. And they were really good. I watched their every move, line, inflection. When I came back my junior year of high school, I nailed my audition for the fall musical, Cabaret, and scored one of the leading roles.

Being a voice instructor, I'm often asked if it is talent or hard-work that gets you noticed. I used to believe it was talent, when I was young and naive. It's been a long time since Robot Girl first stepped out in the limelight and forgot one of her six lines. And I know that it's usually about 95% hard work, 3% talent, and 2% luck. Just go into an audition some time. You can see it, the people who work really hard at their instrument (me) and those who think they can just sail through the audition on politics and a little bit of talent. Ah yes, I live in my own fantasy world. But when I have a theatre company, it will be different. I will cast soully on who gives the best audition. Every time. I promise.

Back to my acceptance rant... why do we care so much of what people think of us? I'm to a point in my life where I'm through with pleasing people who think they know everything. I think as a child, all I wanted was acceptance, attention, and to be understood. Is that why I went into the theatre? Because being someone else for a little while is easier than being who you really are, or dealing with your own emotional crap? I think that is a question every actor should ask themselves. Because I was never the outspoken "drama queen" you think of when you idealize an actress. I know people like that. I despise people like that. Because what do they become when they grow up? They become those annoying, long-winded people you desperately avoid at parties and other social functions for fear of being sucked into their conversation vortex.

All I know is this... I love to perform. I love to create. I don't care about pleasing anyone else in this life except for myself, my loved ones and those who I care about and are close to. As far as being accepted when it comes to the theatre, all I want to do is live a life full of passion and the knowledge that I'm living up to my creative and curious potential. In the end, that will be enough.