Writings as of late...

I've still been writing... for real writing. Here are some recent adventures from my pen....

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Green is the color I remember.
Shades of Earth, neon,
breathing out in long strands of life.
I remember his eyes.
His same beauty from childhood,
and the way his eyes would always find mine.
He wore green, dark.
Like trees off the foggy coast.
His eyes were dark chocolate.
His smile was endless.
And the way he gestured,
as if he'd been waiting for me for ages.
To know him.
To feel him.
To understand some great mystery
we'd both tried, secretly,
to uncover so many years before.


Nightfall

The night fell,
in shades of periwinkle,
deep and warm.
Until there was nothing left but
finite luminesence.
Dark violet and blues against a
backdrop of gleaming rose.
A blanket of stars appears,
a new moon in the dark sky.
All I hear is music,
feel the wet dew against my bare feet,
and I am aware of his breath.
He will say nothing.
He doesn't have to.
I will wait. Continuing on,
minutes or years, as I have before.
In hope that I will spend just
one more nightfall alone,
just us,
as the shadows grow long once again.

Weekly Update

I apologize for not posting the update when it was supposed to go up... the weekend. However, last Friday we lost our dial tone- this meant no phone service and no internet. We didn't get it back until last night. It really sucked. But we're back online now, and all is well.

We have had a beautiful week on the North Coast, sunny and high 60's for the past five days. I won't bitch, that's for sure. Apparently, starting in November, it's going to rain practically straight through the winter and early spring... for five straight months. Sounds a bit depressing, don't you think?

The Season premiere of Grey's was fabulous. Although we won't find out who she picks for a while, I'm sure. We can't get all the goods at the beginning- the show can't jump the shark just yet... it's too damned good.

Anyway, it's been a nice couple of days. Saturday Rob and I were done teaching early, so we headed down to the Farmer's Market for our fresh produce. It was beautiful, per usual, the plaza filled with people dancing and eating and making merriment. We came home, changed, picked up the dog and headed to the beach. After Maddy was throughly tired, we came home, changed again, and headed to the Lost Coast Brewery for a bite. It was exactly what we needed- pub grub. Lots of fried shit and beer. It was great!

Sunday was another gorgeous day, and we took Maddy down to the annual Woofstock festival, a fundraiser for the Sequoia Humane Society. It was a blast- so many dogs and their owners. Maddy sniffed a lot of butts and got love from many passerby. There were contests for biggest, smallest, biggest woof, best costume, owner look-a-like. The three of us had a great time. Rob and I brought Maddy home, got some sandwiches, and headed for the beach... again. It really sucks to be me, I know. The dunes were filled with people going for a run, flying kites, making sandcastles. We had a nice picnic, then laid in the sun for about an hour. The cutest thing was this little girl, buck naked, running around the beach with her older (fully-clothed) brothers. She was so free and happy, being her divine, feminine, creative self.

We're all feeling good, on the WW plan again. Moving here, spending that many days in a car eating fast food and not taking care of myself really did a number on both my spirit and my body. I've been yo-yo-ing ever since with my weight, feeling yucky. I've been good the last two weeks, doing my cardio and sticking to the plan, and I'm taking off that extra bulk/water I've so needed to shed. The size 10's are back on! Despite feeling good with my allergies/asthma, we have something else to contend with here. Yes, there isn't any smog, but we do have forest fires inland. The smoke drifts out here to the coast, and makes everyone feel disgusting. I'm doing okay, but Rob is feeling the effects badly.
Maddy is feeling fine- we had a bit of a scare last week as she woke us at 6am, frantically ringing her bell and whining at the side of the bed. Turns out the poor thing had a UTI, blood in her urine every time she went pee. I was a wreck, calling the vet at 7am (of course no one is open until 8). We went to the vet, paid a hundred bucks, and they told us to "keep an eye on her". Of course, she was fine, and kicked it on her own within a day. Although the next day she puked on the bed (that was fun) and had diarrhea for the next. She's fine now, we're making sure she doesn't eat anything weird outside.

Still lovin' Kidsclub! Friday night is the school carnival- haven't been to one since the 6th grade, so Rob and I will be in attendance for the cake walk, dunk tank and all the other fun stuff grade schoolers do for that sort of event. My teaching at HSU is going well- having a great time with my classes and students. I also sent in my application to a talent agency here in town, and got a call last night to be in an independant movie they are filming here. The movie stars the actress Fairuza Balk from movies The Craft and Almost Famous. I was asked to be in a scene in a jazz club as "background"- my first movie credit!! Unfortunately, they are filming Saturday, and with my commitment to teaching at HSU, I won't be able to do it. However, the casting agent said she would keep me in mind for other scenes in case my schedule allows it. Cool!

Sunday night, Rob and I begin an 8-week long Tango class. I CANNOT WAIT. This is going to be a blast. I'm not a fantastic dancer, but I'm okay. I'm much more light on my feet than my husband. But we are excited to do something fun like this together.

And sorry for the lack of pictures as of late. My fossil-aged computer won't let me post for some reason. When we get the new one, expect pictures out the yang.

McDreamy or O'Dreamy?

The fight is on... who will Meredith choose? Will she go with the vet, Finn O'Dreamy? Or will she stick with fabulous-haired Dr. McDreamy?

I can't friggin' wait for the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy tomorrow night. Who do you think she'll pick?

If I were Meredith Grey, I'd totally be screwed. While the sex with McDreamy was probably mind-blowing in that dark little room they had their trist in on the finale, he did call her a whore and pick his whiny, annoying wife (who, let's not forget to mention, cheated on him) over Meredith. To choose over O'Dreamy and McDreamy? What's a girl to do?

Weekly Update

Since my revelation on Thursday, it's been a lovely couple of days. We've been lucky enough to have four days in a row of complete sunshine, and have been taking advantage of the lovely weather.

Friday- It was a gorgeous day, and I didn't want to go to work. We had a nice breakfast, then headed down the hill to Old Town. I wanted to do some shopping at the vintage shops down there, and discovered this shop, What's New?, filled with beautiful finds. My only purchase? A dark pink beret. Being the 80's music geek that I am, I'm calling it my Raspberry Beret-the kind you find in a second-hand store? How appropriate. Went to work and spent the day with some great kids, watching Hercules. After returning home, Rob and I headed to Luzmila's, a mexican restaurant. We got groceries and went home.

Saturday- My music classes are such a blast. The parents love it, the kids are having such a good time, and it starts off my weekend in such a good mood. After teaching on Saturday, Rob and I went down to the plaza in Arcata to see the North Country Arts Fair. It was packed with people, vendors, local artisans. Glass blowers, painters, photographers, weavers. Our neighbor, Amy, is a weaver, and had a booth there as well. We stopped in to see her work- so lovely. If I only had $65 to buy her hemp placemats... there was live music, people dancing barefoot in the streets. Picture hippie California in your mind- this is it. Rob and I got a few chocolate-covered strawberries and called it a day.

Sunday- I haven't been sleeping as of late. I'm not sure exactly what is keeping me from slumber, but when I woke on Sunday morning, despite the sunshine, I felt tired and crabby. We cleaned the house a bit after reading the paper, showered, then took a picnic up to Redwood Park. It was the perfect day. We spread out a blanket in the bright sunshine, and had our feast. The park was full of people out doing the same thing. People throwing frisbees or footballs, people with their dogs, girls studying. The coolest part was a group of three guys were sitting on a picnic table with hand-strung drums. They created music for the whole park to hear. After a while, they lit up this huge joint and passed it around to each other. A girl with hairy armpits came to join them and danced (badly I might add) to their rhythms. It was a sight.

I slept last night. Finally. And for the first time in many years, I feel that I'm listening to myself. I'm listening to what the universe is saying... I'm living in the here and now. I'm making choices that benefit my well-being. I'm writing letters to people I've been meaning to for a long time. It makes me feel content.

I did not get the job with the city. However, I'm feeling okay about it. I had my reservations, considering how much I love working at Kidsclub. I'm just waiting things out, taking care of myself right now. That is the most important thing.

Feminine Divine

I had a dream, a few nights ago. In the dream, I was in dark room, where I was wrapped inside a spider web. I saw the spider, multi-colored and small, crawling away from me. I tried my hardest to brush the spider aside, but I was caught in it's strong web, unable to move much outside of an inch or two. It eventually crawled away, and I was able to break out of the web. In the dream, I was also taking care of a puppy, sweet and furry. It looked much like a chow chow, with warm brown eyes. What followed was strange... I was sitting with a snake, feeding the snake a raw piece of tuna (not from the can) on a fork. The snake was not threatening, and I never once felt that she would bite me. Although she was tentative to take a bite, once she felt trusting enough, she eventually devoured the food in front of her. I woke, at 6am, and at once knew each and every symbol in the dream.

In dreams, spiders often tend to signify creativity, dogs often mean strength; fur means warmth and happiness. Food, in this case a raw tuna steak, means prosperity, plenty and abundance.

The most interesting of the symbols was the snake. Many of you may know that snakes are ancient symbols for transmutation. It often signifies the dreamer will go through a a vast, inner change that will be reflected in her outer life. Even more amazing, the snake is an even more ancient symbol for the Great Goddess. If the dreamer is female, she will soon come into realization of her power as a woman.

Putting all these together, I could deduce that my creativity, which is emerging from it's cocoon (or web in this instance) is grounded in strength. In fact, there is an abundance of it. The fact that I dreamt of feeding a snake is simple- my creative activity (which I have noticed as of late, seems to be bursting out of me- I can't write fast enough as the thoughts come forth) is feeding my inner female, or as Sue Monk Kidd says, Herself. That because I am finally able to access thoughts, passions, raw emotion in my writing, I will become who I am meant to be.

This realization shook me to my knees.

I couldn't imagine this before. As I've said, I've always believed in the power of dreams. Considering the path I've been on the past few weeks of communicating fearlessly to myself about who I really am, what I am made of, and the things I need to remedy, this was a powerful experience.

Honestly, I feel as if for the first time in my life, I understand myself. That, yes, things happen because they are meant to. I came to California to finally come to terms with the person I am. I am definately just scratching the surface. But I am not afraid of that. I understand that I can't fix the past. That I cannot go back and spend that night with him that I meant to six years ago. But I can forgive myself for not knowing any better because I was young and naive, full of fear like I had never felt in my life.

I am content.
I am happy.
I am full.
I have found my own Divine Feminine.

She is alive and well.

Rêve

I have always been one to believe our dreams are a way to see inside ourselves. A guide of sorts, through our subconcious mind. To find what we are missing out on in daily life. Dreams have always helped me to understand what I cannot see directly in front of me.

They are usually quite vivid. So real that I cannot distinguish between waking and sleep. I dream in color, with sounds and shadows. I remember each dream I have, and can usually remember them for years and years.

Last night, I dreamt of him. The Artist. After all this time. How long has it been since I've seen him? Four years? Five? I cannot recall. But yet there he was, with his Marlboro's, his smoky blue eyes. His laugh, infectious. I wonder what he looks like now. Now that he is a man, no longer a boy. He would be, what, 27 now? I wonder if he's still thin. If he still drinks coffee at 2 in the morning. If he ever drank that expensive bottle of french red I left at his apartment that late, cold March evening.

I think I loved him. In my 21 year old way, I did. He was alive on the inside. Tortured, as most artists are. He often told me over the phone that I was the only woman he'd ever love. Because I understood him. My naive mind (and heart) believed him, because I wanted to hear those things from him. To believe he would eventually decide that, even hours apart by car, we should be together. I tortured myself. By him, I tortured myself. The way he talked about sex, about getting high, about creating. It made me want to be a part of him. To be inside of him somehow. And we sat on the couch, watching Empire of the Sun, just waiting. Sweating. Hoping he would reach for me. He could never bridge the distance. Then again, neither could I.

I am sure that there is a part of me that will always be a part of him. That, happily married, I will always love him. We have this history, the two of us. It started in 1994, senior year of high school, when he sat behind me in French class. We always said, that if in ten years we weren't married, we would get together. Little did we know, four years later, how close we would become.

I don't know much about his whereabouts. I believe he is an art teacher in Peoria, Illinois at present, as well as a real working artist out there. It makes me so very happy to know he is still at it... his passion.

The Artist. How I miss my Jean Paul...

Land of the living

Yes, I can finally say I've entered into the land of the living. We've been here a month now, with only a few setbacks. We sold one of Rob's saxophones, getting a hefty $4K for it. The check finally came two weeks ago, and we were finally able to establish a checking and savings account at the bank here (F*%K OFF Fifth Third!). And we have cable tv. CABLE!! I've never had cable (except when I lived with Mom and Bert). It was nice to finally have our tv working, but Rob and I have been watching episodes of Alias every night on DVD. Love me my Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan. Meow.

Gotta love working with kids... had to get both my fingerprints done as well as a TB test, which I was negative for. The job is fab. Although I have an interview with the city of Eureka tomorrow morning as a Recreation Supervisor. So, basically doing the same thing as my boss does right now. It's more money, but I don't know about it. We are doing very well financially right now- paid EVERY SINGLE bill this weekend- and I really love my job. The older I get the more I realize it isn't about the money. It's all about the quality of life. But we'll just wait and see. It never hurts to interview.

Had a great weekend- Friday night Rob and I went out to Gabriel's, a funky italian restaurant in Old Town. It was the best meal we've had in a long time. As many of you know, dining out must be an experience for me for it to be really spectacular. The climate was perfect, the service was impeccable. We started with some bruschetta, I had cheese ravioli and Rob had Mediterranian (sp?) Gnocchi. We ended with Chocolate Amore cake- described as a "pie-shaped chocolate truffle". Amazing. A great way to celebrate our 3rd anniversary.
Saturday classes started at HMA (Humboldt Music Academy) with fabulous results. My two Music Explorers classes are filled with adorable, fun kids and their equally cool, eccentric hippie parents. We had a blast. My voice class has all girls, ages 9-12, and I have a feeling this will be fun as well. I started some private students, too. All told, I now have 6 private students! Not a bad way to start out here in town.
And then I finally did it- I found myself a new person to do my waxing. It's always weird, you know? Finding someone to rid of your hair, whether it be a hairstylist or not. But Theresa, my new gal, was fabulous. And I'm glad I found her- the eyebrows were looking a bit scraggly.

And sadly, we've decided not to go to Wine Country for Thanksgiving. We thought long and hard about it. But we decided that since we're really getting to be "grown-ups" now, we ought to take all that money and pay off a big hunk of debt. Wine country will always be there, and we'll go some other time. A high credit score and money in the savings to buy a house someday is a much better goal, I think.

Am missing all of you and think of you often. I was surprised and delighted to get a phone call from Michael Shawn yesterday. It made me so happy to talk to him. And Charlie called today, which was super. While I don't miss Cincinnati AT ALL, I do miss the people who reside there. Love you guys.

Three years

I can't believe I've been married for three years. Already! There are moments where I can see how the time has passed. Others, not so much. Our anniversary was yesterday. While we didn't celebrate with going out, Rob carmelized some tuna steaks and we split a bottle of cab. The cool thing about grocery stores here is that, because we're so close to wine country, the wine selection is just ginormous. We will be going out Friday night to a little italian place called Gabriel's. Looks fun.

While checking my email after dinner, I had received an email from my best pal Lesley. She sent it out to a few of us girls, informing us that her mother's husband died yesterday morning! The ER docs weren't quite sure what the cause was yet, but Les and her sister (both in the medical profession) seem to believe due to his alcoholism, he might have passed from a heart problem mixed with alcohol withdrawl (he tried to stop drinking this past weekend). He was only 42. I gave her a call and we talked for a long while, reminiscing about the year we lived together and how her stupid dog used to eat my underwear. We laughed and were silly, and I hope I gave her what she needed- some time to not worry about her mom. I love you Les! Hang in there.

Am still loving the job. How could I not? I lead an art activity the other day, where I had the kids "paint music". We listened to particular genres and the kids painted what they heard. There were some great looking paintings, and the kids had a blast.

Despite feeling oogy and very hormonal today (you can put two and two together), have decided not to sit on the couch all day, even though my body says otherwise. Maddy has discovered something dreadfully out of reach, looking out one of the seven windows in the living room. Each time she sees it (whatever it is) she begins jumping up and down and barking like a crazy dog. Of course in an apartment filled with hardwood floors, her barks are deafening.

Saturday I begin my classes! I'm quite excited, as my two Music Explorers classes are full, and my voice class has 5 girls. I have a lunch break, then have three students back to back! I can't wait to start teaching again.

We had a nice 3-day weekend, not doing much except cleaning the house and going to the mall. The North Coast has been dreadfully cloudy since Saturday, so spending time outside is quite chilly. The funny thing here is that it doesn't really rain, it just drizzles. Combine that with the fog and NOBODY wants to go outside.

Weekly Update

I apologize, faithful reader, for not posting the last six days. It's been hectic, to say the least, since I've started my job....

KidsClub- I have to say, I ADORE this job. My first day was Monday, and I walked in to a room filled with 4th and 5th graders (the other grades were outside playing). I felt overwhelmed, scared, not knowing at all what to expect. The kids have a pretty structured day, thanks to Kristin, the Dows Prairie (the school) coordinator. She is totally cool, great with the kids, and is a lot like me. We get along fabulously. By my second day, I was an old hand. The kids took until about Thursday to get to know me. They were holding my hand, giving me hugs, asking me for help with homework or other activities. I am really having fun.

Social Life- Rob and I have spent the weekend out, spending some time in the area again. Saturday morning we went to the Arcata Farmers Market. This was so much fun. So many fruits, vegies, flowers to choose from. People selling honey, salsa or bread. A bluegrass band was playing in the middle of the plaza, and many were dancing, barefoot, along to the music. It was a trip. We bought some fresh vegies, apples, and a huge bunch of both wild and sunflowers, which now grace my kitchen table.
Saturday night Rob and I went down to Old Town for mexican food to find the monthly Arts Alive was happening right around us. Arts Alive is a bit like the Gallery Hop on Mainstrasse, but people actually attend this one! It was bustling, all the shops were open. I wish I would've had my camera on me, because one of the booths was called Bingo with a twist, and on the plaza stood 6 clowns in drag. Not kidding. They put on an annual Bingo tournament, with all the proceeds going to local charities. There was even live music playing- a guy on the corner playing Lady in Red on his accordian, singing along... badly. Rob said I should've thrown my card in to give the guy a hint!

Read- I've just started reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd. Kidd passionately and eloquently penned both The Secret Life of Bees and The Mermaid Chair, two of my favorite novels. The Dance is Sue's non-fiction novel, about her struggle to find her inner, female voice after years of living in a man-dominated world. She beautifully talks of her journey, and how all women, can seek out and ultimately find their true voice. It's just gorgeous.

Teaching, Theatre, etc.. I've gotten four calls so far for getting my home studio going, which is great! I am very much looking forward to beginning a studio here. As far as performing, the few theatres here in town held auditions a few weeks ago for their fall musicals. One was The Mikado (not my style anymore!) and the other, R&H's Cinderella, a total piece of trash. Besides, both are doing some cool stuff in the spring, both plays and musicals... i.e., To kill a mockingbird, The Rocky Horror Show, Kiss me Kate and a bunch of others! I'll try my luck then.