Weekly Update

Had a bit of an emotional breakdown last night. No. A break-through. I'll get to that momentarily.

We had a nice, albeit boring weekend at home. Friday was the school carnival, which was so fun. They had popcorn, corn dogs, spin art, wax hands, the cake walk, karaoke. I thought about getting my groove on in front of all the kids, but decided against it. Rob and I bought ten game tickets, used two, and then I gave the rest of them away to my favorite kids. We had mexican food after, and came home.

Saturday we both taught, then ran some errands before hitting the grocery. We rented an Ethan Hawke flick and called it a night.

We were to start our tango class yesterday, but Rob had a huge headache and sore throat (it seems to be going around quite a bit here in Humboldt). We ended up staying at home and watching D. Housewives.

I'm not sure what exactly came over me last night. I was watching tv, Rob was in bed doing his sudoku. I suddenly became sad, not for sure as to why, but felt like the weight of the world was on my chest. I then realized how lonely I felt. How I missed my friends. Chuck, Charlie, B, Mark, Kels. All of you. I missed being able to sit with someone and just talk. About real things, things that mattered. And I realized that I was afraid to say those things to Rob. Why? Shouldn't you want to share your inner-most feelings and thoughts with your spouse? Isn't that what I had always envisioned a life with someone would be like? Not afraid to share your passions? My thoughts were reeling, about men in my past. Had I married ______, would I be able to tell them everything? Why is Rob different? Because we don't talk that way with one another any more? We used to, when we first started dating 6 years ago. But that all melts away. Life becomes monotony. You settle into a pattern with someone. And I realized I had become asexual. At least it's how I felt. I came to bed, and Rob sensed I was feeling off. He asked what was wrong, and I said all the things I had just mentioned. Fearlessly. He said "Instead of talking about communicating, why don't you just do it. Tell me what you feel". I waited. Rob said he needed to go to bed (it was late). He rolled over and I started to cry. Uncontrollably. Heaving sobs, the kind where you can't even speak. He held me and asked "What is going on?"... and it was this moment I realized it.

Realized what, you ask? Well, that's my little secret, isn't it? Just know that I figured out a piece of myself, of my marriage. It's mine. I'm going to keep it hidden away in a place that I will only tell you about if you ask me. It was a surreal moment, life-altering and beautiful, and I feel the universe is slowly beginning to reveal her secrets to me, one by one.