Week in Review

Health- Still feeling pretty good, with the exception of my weirdness on Wednesday. It's strange how much energy and stamina I have now, after working out every single day. I feel so great! Plus, fitting in my skinny jeans is pretty nice, too. As far as emotional health, I am doing fine. I have my up and down days. I've been on the meds for 3 weeks, so I don't expect them to really fully kick in for a few more weeks. But the constant working out and eating right has helped tremendously!

Jobs- Well, I still hate South Bay, but what else is new? 4 weeks and 3 days. Am trying to continue to tell myself that I can do this, I can stick it out. And I must, because we desperately need the money. In other news, both Rob and I have found part-time jobs on the side. Rob started at Blockbuster just last week, and tomorrow, I start working at Bath and Body Works. I'm excited for this, as I get a generous discount there and other stores, such as Victoria's Secret, White Barn Candle, and my absolute favorite store, Express. Plus, the extra money will help us immensly.
The cool part about Rob working at Blockbuster is that he gets 5 free movie rentals a week, and gets New Releases a week before they hit the shelves! Last night, he brought home Dreamgirls, which we didn't get to see in theatres. I know I am 5 months behind the times, but WOW, was this movie good. Sure I'm a sucker for big showy musical numbers seeing as I like being in them myself. But the performances are what sucked me in. After seeing this movie, I now see that Eddie Murphy should have won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar. He was brilliant- way better than his Party All the Time days. Alan Arkin was terrific in Little Miss Sunshine, but he was no match for Eddie. And I wasn't sickened by Beyonce's performance! She was quite good, and they made her look so beautiful. Of course, props to Jennifer Hudson, who just took my breath away in every scene she was in. Man, can that girl sing. The best part? Her acting skills far outweighed Beyonce's, Jamie Foxx's and anyone else in that movie. Her "And I'm tellin' you" scene was so engaging, powerful, and wonderful. Her performance in that scene was what won her the Oscar for sure. Plus, as the movie went on, you could really feel like she was aging as time passed. What a performance.


Myspace- It's been a fun week on Myspace, getting random friend requests from people I haven't seen or heard from in years. It's been a wonderful way to keep in touch daily with the people who are important in my life. I have reconnected with my brother and sister, old friends, current friends. Just terrific!

The Coast- It's been weird, these past weeks, knowing that we are so close to leaving. Only 87 days, to be exact. The waiting is excrutiating. When you want something this bad. Rob teaches an adult Piano class on Wednesday evenings. After talking to a few of his students, they informed him that most people who move to Humboldt County, and weren't born here, often flip out after about month 20. They just go nuts. This place changes people, they said. That if a person gets a job here, their spouse will beg them to leave within two years. They can't stand the rain, the gloom, the clouds. The lack of self-worth, self-importance, the lack of culture, and manners. All of it. I can definately understand, for sure. I am ready to leave. I'm ready to be done with California (at least this part of it). I'm ready to follow my bliss. Now, if I can just make it to July....

Stay

He stayed too long,
like a mysterious twilight fog.
Words unbroken like
papery leaves in the colorful fall,
he spoke to me.
But it was too late,
I was involved.
He stayed too long,
as if knowing I would fall
if looked at in the proper light.
I could feel my hands sweat.
Muddled warmth between my thin palms.
After all these years,
a grown woman,
yet one look into his eyes
and I am sent reeling 14 years past,
to a chance encounter.
Two young souls,
I must have stayed too long.
Would he have loved me if I hadn't?
And what now, young one?
What will I say the next time
I see your eyes?
Hear your voice?
Touch your skin?
All the while, secretly,
in hope,
you will linger too long once again.

Get me the F*%K out of here

Still have been feeling pretty good- the sun continues to shine here in CA. Yesterday, however, was an exception. I'm not sure what kind of chemical was running through my brain yesterday, but the whole day, I was in a funk.

When I arrived at school, all I could think of was "If I have to spend one more day in this god-awful ugly place I'm going to...."- seriously, I'm bringing in my digital camera to take a photo of how ugly this school is. For some reason, most California schools are not the beautiful, stately brick buildings you see in the Midwest. I mean, my grade school was this great, wonderful brick building surrounded by trees and a huge playground. I think of it fondly. But K-12 schools here? Flat, ugly "portables" they call them here. They look a bit like trailers without the wheels. And why do schools insist on painting their walls this dingy GRAY color? My office, which is about 7x7, is painted gray. With green trim. With a gray filing cabinet. OMG. I hate coming into work, because I number one, have to sit in this fugly office for 5 hours every day. Number two, because I see these children, with all their problems and dysfunctional homes and think "This is the future"... and it saddens me. There is a lot of poverty here, and these poor kids can't do a damn thing about it. I hate getting up in the morning knowing this place waits for me. Needless to say, I started out yesterday in a bad mood.

The kids didn't want to work yesterday. They just didn't. Maybe it was because it was raining, and that meant they didn't get to go outside for recess. By noon, they are pretty riled up. But I left here yesterday at 1pm tired, cross-eyed and hungry. Not a good combo.

Came home, walked the dog, had lunch, and couldn't shake how awful I felt. So I took a nap. Bad idea. I am much like my father if I get a nap in the middle of the day- a f*#king crabass. I woke up in a worse place than I was. However, the sun had come out by this time, which made me feel a little better. So I did my pilates, walked the dog again, and went to the library. Was still in a daze. Picked up a Coke (was craving one!) at the gas station, and a Mega Millions ticket, then headed home. After drinking my Coke, I felt a little more like myself. Had a scrambled egg for dinner, thinking maybe I just needed some protein. Couldn't really tell exactly what I needed.

Rob came home, watched Lost, and then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. Yesterday was not a good day. I figure, I've had so many good ones the past two weeks, maybe it's okay that I had a wicked one thrown in there for good measure.

I'm just so ready to leave. I'm ready to start my life. I'm ready to be the master of my voice again, the master of my art. Because since we left Nati, I haven't been. I'm also ready to be around people I love again. I love Rob, more than anything, but I need my friends. Desperately. I am seriously counting down the days until we get to the Nati. I don't think it can come soon enough.

I feel like I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much more of this place I can take. How much more I can take of not being who I truly am. I'm sure this is all for something. That karma will pay me back for this (hoping). That this is supposed to teach me something. Can't see it now, but I'm really trying to.

Just 5 more weeks of school- I can do it. I can. Right?

In other news, I got a part-time job. Hopefully, this is the last disposable job I will ever have. I'll be working at Bath and Body works, just a few days a week, in prep. for our return home. The extra cash will be a welcome relief- we are broke.

Enough for now- two little kids are fighting outside my office. Always fun.

Week in Review

So, I have had this Myspace page for a year. I only logged in once since April 20, 2006, but not since. Then, two weeks ago, I realized that many of my friends had a page, and thought this might be the best way to keep in touch with many of them. It has been an unbelievable experience so far. I have connected with many of my Cincinnati friends, as well as my girlfriends from years past. The best part of this is that I've reconnected with many friends I haven't seen or spoken to since high school, a long 12 years ago! It's been great fun catching up with them and hearing about their lives thus far. To see my page, click here. I think it accurately represents my personality and interests. It kinda rocks.

This has been a really nice week. It's only rained a few select times, and the weather has been beautiful. I've been keeping up the exercise regimen, working out every single day. When I don't do it, I feel like shit, so I keep it up. I'm eating really well, and feeling great. I'm down two sizes since I started this crazy thing, and I'm looking pretty good, if I do say so myself.

The best part is that I feel really amazing. Not only am I thin, with very little baggage (still working on that butt fat), I have energy out the yang. Eating right has really changed my diet for the better. It's more a habit now than anything else, to eat the proper foods and control my portions. I also stop when I'm full, even if there is food left on the plate. I also feel that the exercise I'm getting has completely rid of my depressive symptoms. Sure, maybe it's that plus the meds, but at this point, I don't really care. I feel terrific.

Am in the process of trying to find a part-time job for the summer weeks we will still be here. I've had a few interviews at various retail stores in the mall. I'm pretty sure something will pan out soon.

That's all, folks!

Untitled

I changed my mind.
At the last moment,
I watched him across the room,
and changed my mind.
Hot sweat of an August night,
drinking late, clammy hands
we touch. We touch without
looking, and so confused,
we ignore the elephant in the room.
Sitting in a corner, so dark,
discussing the opportunities of a
bright youth, so ready for life.
And I, clinging to a last hope of
feeling just as he, for him to see me.
Auburn hair, tall, intelligent. When all he could see
were the fair-haired around him.
It was late.
One last chance.
And I changed my mind.

Spring

Spring has sprung in California. For the first time in months, it is finally more sunny than cloudy. It rained a little last night, but it's been sunny all week! There is just something about Spring that always makes me nostalgic and long for things in my past. When the weather gets warm, and the sun shines, it's time for me to crank out the ACDC, Halen, Boston. It makes me feel young. It makes me feel happy, like I am part of some unseen community of people who love to rock out.

I've been feeling really good this week. I'm sleeping, for one, and that has made so much of a difference in how I am feeling. I'm eating well, and the most important thing is, I'm getting 45-60 minutes of cardio/strength-training/pilates EVERY SINGLE DAY. My energy is through the roof. It's unbelievable. Plus, the beauty of working out is two-fold. One, the more you work out, the more you can eat. And I love to eat. But I've noticed my eating habits have changed. I stop when I'm full, I eat the right things, and control my portion sizes. Two, I'm looking f'in hot. 4 weeks ago, I was in my fat pants. Yep. Size 14 to be exact. Ugh. Two weeks ago, I was down to my interim pants. Size 12. Not great, but better. But now, people? Back in the size 10's. Yep. I look goooood. I'm hoping to be in a size 8 by the time we get to the Nati. And on the road I'm traveling now, it won't be too long!

In other news, just heard that they recently cast the long-awaited movie version of my favorite book, The Time Traveler's Wife. The beautiful and talented Rachel McAdams will be playing Clare. She is so terrific, and I'm glad they chose her. She will be perfect in that role. And Eric Bana will be playing Henry. I haven't seen him in much, but he's pretty good, and I think he looks just like Henry ought to look in the novel. Just perfect.

Silver Lining

There is a spring in my step today. It rained this morning, as it usually does every morning, then the clouds moved to reveal the sun. It's sunny more than rainy now, which definately improves things around here. But something happened last night that changed everything....

I slept.

When I crawled into bed at 10:30 last night, I thought I was in for the long haul. Sunday night, I lie awake until 1am, unable to shut my brain down. I finally got on the couch and watched news for an hour before I finally fell asleep at 2:30. Monday, I forced sleep by taking a Benedryl, but woke yesterday a tad groggy. However, I got into bed last night, a fat dog on one side and a husband on the other. I was snuggled in. And I fell asleep. Not a single thought running through my head. Not the entire score to The Last Five Years. Not thoughts of what we will do when we visit Nati in 7 weeks. Not of what our chances of getting a rental house instead of an apartment when we get to Illinois. Nothing. Just the pure, sweet release of sleep. I woke at 1am with the extreme urge to pee, and I did just that, but back to bed I went, and right back to sleep.

I woke this morning in our bright bedroom, fat dog still next to me snoring loudly, and I smiled. I can't believe it. The first night in what, a month, that I actually slept? Finally. I think my meds are starting to work. Plus, I'm so excited to get to Nati on June 6! Totally rad.

Week in Review

Antidepressants- Well gang, it's been a helluva week. But having been on the meds for 7 days, I'm already starting to feel better. I think I felt better before I started taking them, but I also think that my body needed to get used to them. I expected the anxiety, the drowsiness, the loss of appetite (yay for losing weight!). However, I didn't expect the tremendous mood swings I would have. I've never had mood swings (at least I don't think I have) before, and it was quite the journey, let me tell you. But today was a good day. In retrospect, I don't think it was good to start taking them on my week off. Being an active person, it's hard to just sit still. Sure, I got out and did things. But when I wasn't, I was sitting at the computer, playing games and lamenting my horrible existence on the North Coast. Was glad to get back to the academy today to teach. I hate working Saturdays, yet so look forward to them, as I get to do one thing I love, and that is teach.

Homesick- Had the strangest sensation this week of being all-consumed by my homesickness for Cincinnati. Sometimes, the first week in Cincinnati is just beautiful. Warm, sunny days. Those great ones in the Nati, before the heat of August turns the air into smog. Although many of my Nati friends are telling me it's colder than a witches tit out there. At this point, I don't think I would really care what the weather is, as long as I'm there. I miss the people more than anything. I had this horrible pain in my heart to see my friend Chuck. Chuck is one of my bestest friends. He is honest, beautiful, selfless. He and I are kindred spirits, no doubt. We understand each other in a way that is beyond all words. I spoke to him today, which undoubtedly raised my spirits immensely. I miss all the opportunities I had in Cincinnati. I miss good thai food. I miss culture. I miss gay boys. I told Chuck today that if there are any gay boys in Eureka, I'd like to know where they are hiding, because in 8 months, I haven't seen a single one. We have the polar opposite of gay men here- we have unbathed granola-girl lesbians. They have no style, no taste, no fashion sense. See? Total opposite of gay men. I CAN NOT WAIT to get to Cincinnati on June 6, where I will be surrounded by beautiful, fabulous gay men. One of them is named Chuck.

Losing Weight- Lost 3 more pounds this week, for a total of 5 so far!

Epiphany- Have had so many of these while living here. But I was sitting on a bench in the mall yesterday and it was as if the heav'ns cracked open and a choir began singing. I thought to myself on why I thought moving here was going to be so easy? Did I think packing up my entire life and moving 2500 miles away would be a walk in the park? That leaving leagues of friends, a successful studio, and a happy little existence in local theatre would make me happy? What the fuck was I thinking?? I'm sure that I will look back on this in a year (or more) and think that, good or bad, this experience will be memorable. Like dating John. That was the worst mistake of my life, and I regret about 99.9% of that relationship. But it was memorable. And I learned a helluva lot from it. But I will say this... I will never be this hasty in making a decision ever again. EVER AGAIN. And I will be happy to drive away from this place with the sun on the right side of my car instead of the left.

Maddy

It's been a while since I've written a post about Maddy.

Maddy is my 5-year-old golden retriever. She will be 6 on May 21. Maddy was born in Stoughton, Wisconsin, and I brought her home in July of 2001. She was so tiny when I brought her home, only about 8 pounds, I think, and only 7 weeks old. But we saw those paws and thought "Oh baby, she's gonna be big".


Maddy was a precocious little shit, for the first year of her life. All she wanted to do was bite, scratch, chew shit up. She left a hole the size of a basketball in the carpet of the house we were renting in the QC before we moved to Nati. Yah. We didn't get that deposit back. And all I wanted was a sweet, loving, cuddlesome Golden, like my Dad's dog Maggie. But nope, I had this hyper-active, crazy dog who grew to be 95 pounds in a year.

Maddy likes to meet new people. She will say hello by jumping up on you and nearly knocking you over. Maddy likes to meet anyone, especially the scariest dude walking toward you. That dude could be carrying a machete, a machine gun, or nunchuks, and Maddy would happily want to give him a kiss.

When we moved to Nati, Maddy started to calm down. The vet said goldens stay puppies until they're 5. No joke. And it has proven true with my little guy. She's finally starting to slow down a bit. Maddy has hip dysplasia, which causes her some havoc when she wants to get on the couch, or get up from a lay on the floor. In her old age, she is starting to feel the burn.

In her six years with us, Maddy has had many nicknames. When she was a baby, it was Pupp-o, Maddy Fatty, BadMaddyJama. They sort of evolve each time we give her one. It was Mrs. Pupperton, or Miss B, or Sis there for a while. Now, it's Chubston, or just Chubs if you prefer.

She is a beautiful dog, starting to go gray on her face. She has these eyes that, swear to you, almost look human sometimes. She is wicked smart, and has a personality sharp as a tack. Maybe it's because she is the only dog in the house, or because she is around us so much, but I think she thinks she is a person. She'll rip this huge belch, she'll fart in bed. She sighs. She smiles. She talks to the people passing by the window.

Maddy enjoys her chewies, the beef-flavored ones from PetCo. We allow her to lick our plates after dinner, because she'll come up and flash those big brown eyes and smile, and I'm a goner. And the nice thing is, I finally have my cuddle-bug dog I always wanted.

Mid-week jibber-jabber

So... sitting here listening to Zero 7 (most sexy band I've ever heard- love them!) and wanted to post a little mid-week hoo-ha. Have been doing okay this week. I realized the other day that part of the reason I was such an emotional wreck was due to hormones... you can figure it out. I never fair well during "that" week. Crying over a raw chicken? Wow.

The anti-depressants: on my third day. The first two days, I felt a bit like I was on speed, which was to be expected. Some muscle aches, anxiety, that sort of thing. With my brain chemistry all out of whack, today was a bit different. I woke early, had breakfast, and then sat at the computer catching up on e-mails and such. Showered, headed to Long's Drugs (like Walgreens) to pick up my allergy prescriptions. Complete opposite of the past two days, I walked through the store in a sort of blur. Everything felt in slow-motion. I felt very relaxed, almost like I felt when I was doped up on morphine during my stay in the hospital for my appendectomy. I stopped in the toy isle- Oooooo, a kite! -, then in the sporting good isle- Wow, I think I need a fishing pole! - and then the grocery isle- Cool! I need a family-size box of Cheez-its!! It was all very strange. Needless to say, I bought none of those, just my nasal spray and such and was on my way.

Been spending a lot of time this week thinking of past experiences. Tracy and I have been emailing like crazy people. It's wierd how our lives are sort of paralleling each others at this very moment in time. It's been nice to have someone to chat with, and be completely honest with everything. I've said things to her I've never even written- for fear they would be seen, for fear of what it would mean if I actually said them. Been thinking much this week about embarassing situations, comments I've made, actions of mine that seemed so appropriate at the time, yet turned out to make me feel like a complete idiot. It's true, youth is wasted on the young. I wish I could've done so much more with my youth. Why didn't I just plant one on "that" guy (of course, there are so many "that" guys out there, where would I even begin?)? Why didn't I tell him how I felt? Why couldn't I voice things to my parents I should have? Is it that mid-western trait of not wanting to cause conflict? Fuck that. I should've just said everything. To everyone. Instead, I have regrets. I know, everyone has them. But I so wanted to be a person who didn't have them.

Rob said something to me today that made me really happy. We went down to Ramone's for a cup of coffee, and he said "think about a typical day in April 2008. What does it look like?". I told him it starts with me doing my cardio, taking a shower, having a healthy breakfast. Then teaching a few Kindermusik classes. Come home, work on stuff for the theatre (by this time, the opening show is a month away in April 2008). Teach voice in my home studio for a few hours. Dinner with my husband. I look at that and I think "God, it looks like my day in Cincinnati" minus working on stuff for the theatre. In Nati, that would have been replaced with rehearsals. I was really happy in Nati. And I know I can make that a reality in the QC when we get there. Tell me again why it isn't July yet?

Been doing well on The Best Life Diet- although last night I made the black bean burger recipe. Blech! I don't recommend it. The chicken lemon artichoke thing, either. NASTY! Tracy, heed my warnings!

For you

What is it about you,
that I cannot forget?
How when I first met you,
I was blind to all your wonderful gifts.
A disillusioned mess was I,
directionless, young.
And your eyes, how they would always find me.
Still find me.
A blue so fine I cannot describe.
How they find their way deep within me.
And each time they found me, how I wish I could show
you what I meant to say.
But how could I?
So many years of denying the truth.
You were always the one I could see with me,
through a lifetime of happiness, sorrow, worth.
How I still wish to
feel
hold
breathe you in.
Until there is nothing but us.
Two of us,
body and soul.
In a world where we can.
To know it exists.

Headaches/Week in Review

Tomorrow I begin taking my antidepressants. I am frightened, yes. I am scared of how my body will react to it, and what sort of side effects I will experience. While this past week has been fairly good, today I started to feel uneasy again.

It's hard to explain what it is I'm going through. It didn't help that I prepared a great meal for dinner tonight, and it turned out like shit. I baked a coffee cake that was raw in the middle. The chicken I roasted wasn't cooked through, either. But Rob baked a pie last week, and it wasn't done, so we are starting to believe it is the oven and not our culinary skills. Anyway... after dinner, I just started crying. I truly am married to the greatest man on the planet. He said nothing, just held me, and I cried. Just sobbed... the kind where you try to catch your breath, and vocally sound like a hyena. I told him it wasn't the meal, although, I'm sure the failure of it was what set me off.

Right before dinner, I spoke to Lesley on the phone. Her mother passed away just weeks ago, and now her father had a heart attack. Things have been rough on Les and her family these past weeks. It saddened me to hear of this from her. We always have a way to make each other laugh and feel better, and tonight was no different.

My emotional breakdown was fueled by the fact that I need to get the fuck out of here. I can't begin to tell you how stagnant I am in this place. It's difficult, because for the first time in my life, I know what I want to do. I have so many plans, so many wonderful plans for when we return home, and I don't want to wait to put them into motion. I dragged my heels most of my adult life, until this very moment, when I know what it is that will make me happy. Of course, isn't irony just the evilest bitch? Making me wait for it.

I've been feeling so wretched about this place. And guilty. It is a double-edged sword, moving here. I remember I was the one that told Rob we should move here. The strong, vibrant woman I was before we left. That woman knew that coming here was going to ultimately bring us to what we wanted and needed. Had we not come, Rob probably would not have succeeded in getting the Augustana job. You have to have a job to get a job, which is absolutely true in academia. But had I known then that I would be so goddamned miserable, would I have agreed to come? Life would be so unbelievebly different. I can picture it, had I stayed in the Nati and Rob here by himself. And I don't like what I see. So I came. I gave up a successful vocal studio, and a happy little career in theatre. And wasted an entire year of my career on what? A lousy job teaching kids math? I just hope this year brings what I'm hoping. I've surely paid my dues. Karma owes me.

Still not sleeping, either. I've been working out like a crazy woman, getting up at 8am on my days off. It's the crux of my mental health. I can't sleep because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I can't sleep.

In completely other news...

I've lost two pounds on The Best Life Diet so far!

Rob and I do not practice any sort of religion- you know we are atheists. So we got out of doors today and spent the afternoon in Ferndale. We had a nice picnic in the park, then walked down on Centerville Beach.






We headed back to town and walked past all the shops. Most were closed, but we didn't mind. We were just window shopping anyway.



We stopped into Candystick Soda Fountain, which looked very much like the soda shop in It's A Wonderful Life.


Hope you all had a lovely holiday with your friends and loved ones. Wish I could've been there with all of you.

Sublime

This photo was taken on the drive through the endless Bonneville Salt Flats, just outside Salt Lake City, UT on our trip here last year. I love this shot. The Salt Flats seriously are endless- like a road to nowhere. All around you for 120 miles is earth covered in salt. You can see the looming Nevada mountains ahead, but you never quite reach them. Bored out of my skull, I cranked the Zeppelin and was lucky enough to get this shot. I love the look on ol' cracked-out Maddy's face. The perfect shot.

Today begins 10 days of doing nothing- I am on Spring Break. This photo is how I feel about having 10 days off. Plus, it's been sunny here all week, with the exception of last night/this morning, when it was gray and foggy. It's sunny and 70 today. This is the kind of California I like.

Missing the Nati

Taking a cue from Miss Emma, I too have been missing Cincinnati. I always loved Nati in the Spring. Despite the allergens to just about everything imaginable, the smog, and the insanely conservative political/religious vibe, I miss the ol' girl. Citybeat, the local independant weekly, just posted their annual Best of Cincinnati, which include many of my best memories of the city. They include, but are not limited to-

-Dining al fresco at Mitchell's Fish Market, Newport on the Levee
-Mardi Gras at One Eyed Jacks, Mt. Lookout (although it's not called OEJ's anymore)
-Appletini's at Maryoke, Hamburger Mary's (now Universal Grille), downtown
-Lunch in Northside, then shopping
-Hummus and salad plate at Reality Tuesday Cafe, Park Hills, KY
-Being able to see great theatre anywhere, anytime, for any price
-Pad Sea Ewe at Ruthai's, Mt. Lookout
-Visits from Sparky, the white chihuahua neighbor who liked to flirt with Maddy
-Marijuana stories from Mike, our stoner neighbor from across the street
-Morning walks in the summer to get our bagel and coffee
-Brunch on Sunday mornings with Chuck's gang
-The first snowfall, and they cancel school
-York Street Cafe, Newport, KY
-Fast drivers
-Cast parties
-Devou Park, Covington, KY
-Thrift shopping
-Mainstrasse

Most importantly, I miss the people... my friends. You can't live somewhere for four years and then sever all connections. I miss you guys. More than you can imagine, I miss you. I'll be there soon.

Truth

Okay. I hemmed and hawed about posting this today. But what good is it to hide the truth, to ignore what is inside you? I feel it's important to talk about issues that we suppress, for fear of looking/sounding weak, small, inhuman. In my mind, talking about them makes me stronger. To share, I can commune with what it really is.

I called my doctor last week. I couldn't sleep. Rather, I couldn't fall/stay asleep. I thought it strange, as I was getting plenty of exercise. But I couldn't sleep. And I felt lousy... emotionally. I tried to decide whether or not I wanted to keep the appointment. "Maybe with consistent exercise and eating right in Phase Two, I'll feel better" I thought.

But I went anyway.

My doc is a great guy in his early 40's. He has kind blue eyes and a great smile- his demeanor and personality remind me of my old friend Shane from the QC, and I felt comfortable with him. Doc really listens. He allows me to talk. And so today, Doc was bit of a therapist, as I told him of the whole situation here- how we are leaving in 4 months, my unrest of this place, how I can't be happy. And then something happened I hadn't intended to. I cried. I was embarassed, but Doc handed me the tissues and told me to take my time. What came out of my mouth was, again, not what I had intended, but I'm glad it did. I told him of my "blues". I was sad, hopeless at times, feeling guilt. Doc told me people who can't fall asleep often tend to have anxiety disorders. And people who wake in the night often have depression. But he didn't have to say that... I kind of already knew. I posted about it last week, how could I ignore it? Doc said he could prescribe me sleep medication, but that would just be treating the symptoms and not the cause. And I don't want to be miserable for another second.

I told my dear friend Tracy of this earlier. Yes, I'm scared. It's all too reminescent of early 2001. It's different this time- I have a will to live this time. I have things to occupy my mind (most of the time). I don't cry for hours on end, or lay in bed for 12-14 hours a day (although I could). But the same feelings are just under the surface. I can remember those days, cold winter days, and the heartbreaking feeling that nothing could possibly feel worse. I know it won't get that bad. It's been 6 years, and I'm a much different person now. I won't let it. But I'm also afraid of letting go. Of not being "in control" of this. We all try so hard to pull it together... why are we so afraid of losing control? What will happen if we do?

There is a part of me that is also curious- would I be going through this had we not moved to California? Here, I don't have theatre. I don't have (enough) singing. I don't have teaching. I don't have Les, Ann, Kal, Tracy, Charlie, Chuck, M, B, my mom. The list is endless. And yes, I'm fully aware that I will have all of those things very soon. But you also must remember, I haven't had them for 8 months. 8 long months of feeling dumpy, passionless, ugly, worthless, with no friends and no creative flow whatsoever. You try it, and see how you feel after 8 months.

Depression is a disease so many people suffer from. I thought it the weather (seasonal affective disorder), but I think I know now. I'm pre-disposed to it. Maybe my parents have dealt with it, but never really thought of it as "depression". Maybe my grandparents had it, but it didn't have a name or diagnosis then.

I accept this about myself. I'm truly okay with it, the fact I will be on anti-depressants for the next 3 months. Although this time, it's different. Several years ago, I took them to get back to where I felt human again. I needed to find myself, to get back to a place that was so far behind me I couldn't possibly see it. Now, taking them is just to help me cope. Because why suffer when I can do something pro-active to be happy?