It's hard to explain what it is I'm going through. It didn't help that I prepared a great meal for dinner tonight, and it turned out like shit. I baked a coffee cake that was raw in the middle. The chicken I roasted wasn't cooked through, either. But Rob baked a pie last week, and it wasn't done, so we are starting to believe it is the oven and not our culinary skills. Anyway... after dinner, I just started crying. I truly am married to the greatest man on the planet. He said nothing, just held me, and I cried. Just sobbed... the kind where you try to catch your breath, and vocally sound like a hyena. I told him it wasn't the meal, although, I'm sure the failure of it was what set me off.
Right before dinner, I spoke to Lesley on the phone. Her mother passed away just weeks ago, and now her father had a heart attack. Things have been rough on Les and her family these past weeks. It saddened me to hear of this from her. We always have a way to make each other laugh and feel better, and tonight was no different.
My emotional breakdown was fueled by the fact that I need to get the fuck out of here. I can't begin to tell you how stagnant I am in this place. It's difficult, because for the first time in my life, I know what I want to do. I have so many plans, so many wonderful plans for when we return home, and I don't want to wait to put them into motion. I dragged my heels most of my adult life, until this very moment, when I know what it is that will make me happy. Of course, isn't irony just the evilest bitch? Making me wait for it.
I've been feeling so wretched about this place. And guilty. It is a double-edged sword, moving here. I remember I was the one that told Rob we should move here. The strong, vibrant woman I was before we left. That woman knew that coming here was going to ultimately bring us to what we wanted and needed. Had we not come, Rob probably would not have succeeded in getting the Augustana job. You have to have a job to get a job, which is absolutely true in academia. But had I known then that I would be so goddamned miserable, would I have agreed to come? Life would be so unbelievebly different. I can picture it, had I stayed in the Nati and Rob here by himself. And I don't like what I see. So I came. I gave up a successful vocal studio, and a happy little career in theatre. And wasted an entire year of my career on what? A lousy job teaching kids math? I just hope this year brings what I'm hoping. I've surely paid my dues. Karma owes me.
Still not sleeping, either. I've been working out like a crazy woman, getting up at 8am on my days off. It's the crux of my mental health. I can't sleep because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I can't sleep.
In completely other news...
I've lost two pounds on The Best Life Diet so far!
Rob and I do not practice any sort of religion- you know we are atheists. So we got out of doors today and spent the afternoon in Ferndale. We had a nice picnic in the park, then walked down on Centerville Beach.
We headed back to town and walked past all the shops. Most were closed, but we didn't mind. We were just window shopping anyway.
We stopped into Candystick Soda Fountain, which looked very much like the soda shop in It's A Wonderful Life.
Hope you all had a lovely holiday with your friends and loved ones. Wish I could've been there with all of you.
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