Still have been feeling pretty good- the sun continues to shine here in CA. Yesterday, however, was an exception. I'm not sure what kind of chemical was running through my brain yesterday, but the whole day, I was in a funk.
When I arrived at school, all I could think of was "If I have to spend one more day in this god-awful ugly place I'm going to...."- seriously, I'm bringing in my digital camera to take a photo of how ugly this school is. For some reason, most California schools are not the beautiful, stately brick buildings you see in the Midwest. I mean, my grade school was this great, wonderful brick building surrounded by trees and a huge playground. I think of it fondly. But K-12 schools here? Flat, ugly "portables" they call them here. They look a bit like trailers without the wheels. And why do schools insist on painting their walls this dingy GRAY color? My office, which is about 7x7, is painted gray. With green trim. With a gray filing cabinet. OMG. I hate coming into work, because I number one, have to sit in this fugly office for 5 hours every day. Number two, because I see these children, with all their problems and dysfunctional homes and think "This is the future"... and it saddens me. There is a lot of poverty here, and these poor kids can't do a damn thing about it. I hate getting up in the morning knowing this place waits for me. Needless to say, I started out yesterday in a bad mood.
The kids didn't want to work yesterday. They just didn't. Maybe it was because it was raining, and that meant they didn't get to go outside for recess. By noon, they are pretty riled up. But I left here yesterday at 1pm tired, cross-eyed and hungry. Not a good combo.
Came home, walked the dog, had lunch, and couldn't shake how awful I felt. So I took a nap. Bad idea. I am much like my father if I get a nap in the middle of the day- a f*#king crabass. I woke up in a worse place than I was. However, the sun had come out by this time, which made me feel a little better. So I did my pilates, walked the dog again, and went to the library. Was still in a daze. Picked up a Coke (was craving one!) at the gas station, and a Mega Millions ticket, then headed home. After drinking my Coke, I felt a little more like myself. Had a scrambled egg for dinner, thinking maybe I just needed some protein. Couldn't really tell exactly what I needed.
Rob came home, watched Lost, and then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. Yesterday was not a good day. I figure, I've had so many good ones the past two weeks, maybe it's okay that I had a wicked one thrown in there for good measure.
I'm just so ready to leave. I'm ready to start my life. I'm ready to be the master of my voice again, the master of my art. Because since we left Nati, I haven't been. I'm also ready to be around people I love again. I love Rob, more than anything, but I need my friends. Desperately. I am seriously counting down the days until we get to the Nati. I don't think it can come soon enough.
I feel like I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much more of this place I can take. How much more I can take of not being who I truly am. I'm sure this is all for something. That karma will pay me back for this (hoping). That this is supposed to teach me something. Can't see it now, but I'm really trying to.
Just 5 more weeks of school- I can do it. I can. Right?
In other news, I got a part-time job. Hopefully, this is the last disposable job I will ever have. I'll be working at Bath and Body works, just a few days a week, in prep. for our return home. The extra cash will be a welcome relief- we are broke.
Enough for now- two little kids are fighting outside my office. Always fun.
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