Pretty Good Year

Tori Amos is a genius. Granted, over the last few years, she's gotten a little.... wacky, I guess is the proper term. But she wrote a song included on her 1994 album Under the Pink entitled Pretty Good Year. When I gave my first vocal recital in 9 years this past November, I included the song on the program, and even named my recital "Pretty Good Year". I wanted to show just how much I had grown since New Years Eve 2006. This has probably been the most eventful year of my life, no doubt about that. So much has happened in my life, physically, mentally and emotionally. And now it's time to recount it all.

Since a year ago today, I overcame a pretty nasty bout of depression. Stemming from who knows what while living in California (no theatre, no singing, no students, no sunshine, no culture), what Kevin calls the Green Monster was long gone by June. It wasn't nearly as bad as my bout with the Green Monster back in 2000/2001, but still unpleasant.
That being said, I overcame a pretty nasty 11 months on the humid, chilly, dirty, rainy coast of California. I never miss it. Oh sure, I miss San Francisco, and wine country, but never Humboldt County.
Living in California was horrible and wonderful, all rolled into one little package. It's like Kels says, sometimes you need all that quiet to hear what your soul is trying to tell you. She was right. I tried so long to fight what was screaming at me. Once I accepted it, my life has never been so full, so awake. I found myself there, in every sense of that idea. I began to realize owning your own ugliness and beauty is what makes you who you are. For this, I will never regret those 11 months on the coast.

Rob and I at Sebastiani Winery, Sonoma, CA

In addition, I focused on my marriage. The majority of what stood in our path as a couple was me owning up to who and what I was. I still see a life coach, every few weeks. She has brought me to a level of understanding I could never fathom. She has helped me to understand that I cannot change my past. That I am only in control of my own feelings and emotions, and that I am not at fault for the way my childhood turned out. Because of this, I realized I am free. I accept who my parents are, who I am. This has allowed me to understand and love my relationship with my husband.


Last night in CA

I feel like the year was chopped in half. That I lived two lives over the course of these 12 months. And it's true, I kind of did. Once we returned to the QC from California, life became disjointed and confusing for a few months. I never truly felt like I "lived" here until early November. After living away from this place for 5 years, each time I had come home I was just visiting. I felt "just visiting" for many months. I started teaching at my home studio at the end of August, and my studio has grown nicely since. In Septemeber, I incorporated my theatre company. In October, I filed for non-profit status, and by the beginning of November, we were granted that status.
A few days after getting back to town, I was honored by being asked to take part in New Stage Collective's production of The Last Five Years. I found it fitting, having been away from the QC for 5 years, and having grown as a person those 11 months in CA, to be able to take on the role of Cathy with my dear friend Michael Shawn. It was my first time on stage in 15 months (since Chess), and I relished each and every moment of those 90 minutes with Michael, Alan, and the orchestra.

Performing in The Last Five Years, August 2007


It was also a year of great friends. The older I get, the more I realize how wonderful each and every friend of mine is to me. Chuck, Charlie, Matt, Jason, Mark, B, D, the Prenzies, Ann, Les, Kels. The list is longer than I can even imagine. I was so lucky to reconnect with old friends this year, like Courtney, Matt Timion, Tracy from college. You guys are my rock, so important, and I'm glad to have you in my life.

The boys at Matt and Jason, watching a male sex change via internet.


The most important change of this year is that Rob and I are trying to have a baby. I always saw myself as a mom, but never really thought I would be ready. I had a lot of emotional bullshit to hack through before I was ready to tackle this role. As I mentioned above, I did a lot of good work this year, which allowed me to feel physically, emotionally and mentally ready for this huge ordeal. No babies yet. You know, once I'm ready to divulge that information, it will be posted on this blog.

Important resolutions and tasks for 2008?
Get pregnant
Take care of myself physically (emotionally, I'm ready!)
Pay off my LAST debt (yahoo!)
Buy a house
Have a fun/successful first season with the theatre company
Cultivate my friendships, old and new


Happy New Year, my friends and readers.

The holiday

No, not that awful movie with Kate Winslet and Jack Black, I mean the one that has just passed.

How was yours? Ours was just fine. Despite Rob having a horrible chest cold, and my Dad also getting sick, we still had a pretty nice couple of days. This was the first time in 7 years that Rob and I actually bought presents for each other. Oh sure, we always did for the families, but never for us. We've been starving grad students up until just recently, so it just wasn't ever an option. I ended up getting Rob the Gold Edition DVD box set of the tv show Twin Peaks. Remember that show? Rob went apeshit over it when he opened it up, so I knew I had done well. Rob got me a mish-mash of stuff, but the best was the DVD box set of The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I went apeshit, too, as I am a huge LOTR fan. I pretty much haven't left the basement, or my pajamas, in three days, as I've been on the couch watching them all. My folks got us a wine fridge, which was the cream of the crop for gifts this year.

Oh yeah, and we had a nice time with our families, too. Teehee.


We had a beautiful, heavy snow this morning, which left the entire QC snowed in (bode well for watching The Two Towers today). Here is the beautiful snow-covered tree in our front yard.


As far as New Years goes, we will be spending it with our dear friends the Prenzies, at Aaron and Jill's place. We are splendidly happy we have made a nice group of friends since our return to the QC. All of them are such wonderful people, and have accepted us as their own. We are thrilled to be able to spend the New Year holiday with all of them. We had planned to make the journey to Cincinnati, but it is going to have to wait a while. We miss our Nati friends very much, but isn't that what that song Auld Lang Syne is all about? Remembering old friends, but welcoming new ones, too? Ah, who knows.

Week in Review/The worst pies in London

With two days until Christmas, Rob got a pretty nasty cold. He is functioning, but still a might bit pathetic. Ah, but who I am to say, as I'm the biggest baby when I have a cold.

Rob and I finally finished all the shopping on Friday, and made it over to Mike and Dennis' Christmas party (Mike is the Vice President of Augie, and Dennis teaches in the music department). It was another night of standing around being awkward with people I didn't know, but David and Carrie where there with their two kids (they both also teach in the music department), so it's always nice to see them.


Yesterday, we decided to brave the rain and head out to see Sweeney Todd. Now, the majority of you who read this blog are probably actors, too, so just bear with me for a moment. I am a huge Stephen Sondheim fan. Being a musical theatre girl, and practically raised on his stuff, I tend to think Sondheim shits gold when it comes to musical theatre. I also am of the belief that Sondheim is musical theatre for smart people. His writing is art, not fluff like most of the shit that comes off Broadway these days. Now, it also depends on the show, whether or not it's good. He seemed to hit his stride in the 70's into the mid 80's. Most after that I could pass on. But when Sweeney Todd came down the pike, it was the stuff of legend. Based on the story of a wrongly-imprisoned barber who seeks revenge on the man who put him away, stole his wife and took in his daughter for his own, it was the stuff only a composer/lyricist could make work on the stage. Now, nearly 30 years later, the magical Tim Burton has brought it to life on the screen. Starring Johnny Depp at Todd, it was really quite a sight to behold. While I truly loved the film, there were many moments that I really didn't like. Depp's voice was quite good, and I was afraid we were going to see a Rex Harrison version of pitter-patter talk instead of the actual sung lines. His portrayal of Sweeney Todd, acting-wise, beat out any singing, however. Helena Bonham Carter (who I love!!) was brilliant as Mrs. Lovett. Not a singer by any means, she was fantastic as the woman who owns the pie shop under the flat which Mr. Todd resides. I hope all actors out there who can at least carry a tune see this movie, so they understand that it isn't always about how good you sound, but how you give life to the song. Alan Rickman, who always plays the bad guy, is Judge Turpin, the man who wrongly imprisons Todd 15 years prior. The thing is, I didn't get that bad/creepy vibe from him. He wasn't nearly as bad or creepy as Timothy Spall, who plays Beadle, the evil sidekick to Turpin (Spall is also always the evil sidekick in EVERY MOVIE). And as much as I adore Rickman in every movie I've ever seen him in, he just shouldn't sing. Many songs were cut, of course, because this is a movie after all, and plot needs to be moved along. I was glad to see they didn't cut "Green Finch and Linnet Bird", sung by Todd's daughter Johanna. However, considering the actress Burton got to play her, they should have. The child who plays Tobias, or Toby, was quite good, and man could that kid sing! Burton did an amazing job creating the dark and "shit" filled London. In Burton fashion, lots of creepy, dark CGI, barely any color with the exception of the red blood (at times, a bit too gory). All in all, it was very entertaining, and I understand it's a difficult thing to do, create such a masterpiece in the theatre and transfer it to film. You're bound to lose some of the magic.


It's been a while since I've included some pics of the babies. Ike and Maddy are the best of buds now, and I seriously mean that. When I'm playing with Ike and Maddy seems to think it's too rough, she'll bust in and try to reprimand me with her teeth. Ike is healthy (at last) due to his thyroid medication, and his hair has finally grown in. He looks like a dog, an alien no longer. He is so calm and mellow now, and we feel it's because he realizes this is his home now. We sure hope so, anyway!

I love the wink.


Maddy


Look at this. Sitting next to a chewie and no fighting!


Extreme close-up Ike.

Bullsh*t

Sleep eludes me. It's been weeks since this comes.

I know why, too. I can't turn my brain off. The entire score to The Last Five Years is running through my head, all at once. It's an exciting time for my little fledgling company. The time has finally come for things to start happening, and they are. Where were you when this happened to you? What were you doing when you realized that something you've planned and waited most of your adult life for is currently unfolding before your very eyes? It's a pretty delightful prospect, when this happens. I am enjoying each and every blissful moment of it.

Planning and executing a theatre company took about 3 years of research, being a sponge with every company I've ever worked with, taking notes, observing. I was ready for this. In every possible way, I was ready. And now, I watch in awe as plans unfold. I make connections every day, that send me reeling into the Promised Land, and I think "How lucky can I get?". I then have to remind myself of the hard work that went into it. Incorporating, applying for non-profit status. That wasn't a walk in the park.

I wait. I plan. My head reels. So sleep does not come. Knowing tomorrow I have a meeting to plan my first season, I'm like a kid at Christmas. Wanting sleep so badly to get to tomorrow faster. Yet I can't close my eyes.

Tonight was the Augustana Smorgasbord, a yearly tradition in which faculty and staff are invited to a buffet dinner, to witness the Sankta Maria and choir sing, then a visit from Santa for the children of the college employees. Rob was asked to play during the telling of the birth of Jesus, so our dinner was free.


Sue, Kai, and Kai's mom Lorine

Kai, who works in the President's office, was accompanying his mom Lorine and her friend Sue. This was the liveliest group we could have imagined, and loved every moment sitting with these three. Over a plate of potato sausage, Lorine educated us on the proper way of eating these honkin' things- the "toothpaste" method, she called it. "Just squeeze it!". She was a riot. After dessert, the choirs came in and sang, then it was upstairs for the kids festivities.

Look at this little cutie. She was into everyone's business.


Dancing to Rob's "Jingle Bells"


Rob at the piano in the elf hat- appropriate?


A visit from Santa


Maybe I'll try to sleep now. We'll see.

The Meaning of Christmas

I've been reading blogs recently, about what people think of the impending holiday. One wrote about the time he found out there was no Santa Claus. One wrote about having to work on both Christmas Eve as well as Day.

Like Kevin, I'm tired of hearing the question "Are you ready for Christmas yet?". Just what does that mean? Am I ready for what? Most of the Christmas presents have been purchased and wrapped, is that what you mean? I mostly think, when someone asks me, if I myself am ready for a day of spending time with people I'd rather pass on. I love both my and Rob's family, but sometimes, it's just too much. There is always a big to-do, it takes 900 years for everyone to open presents when all you want to do is go drink a bottle of Syrah and play Trivial Pursuit (no wine for me this year, trying to grow a baby soon). And the small talk. The fucking small talk! Jayzus.

What does Christmas make you feel? I think that is the true meaning. Christmas makes me feel warm, nostalgic for the days when all of my mothers' family would gather on Christmas Eve. We don't anymore, as the grandparents are too old and cranky. We're starting to make our own traditions, which is fine, too. For me, Christmas should be about companionship, and being with the ones you truly love.

I love seeing all this stuff online or in the news, about how Christmas is the time of year when you "think of others, not yourself". What a crock. Why should that be just at Christmas? Why can't we "think of others" year round, strive for peace the other days of the year instead of just one and then go back and start hurting each other again?

And of course, we celebrate Christmas because it was the birth of Jesus. From my knowledge and readings, Jesus was actually born sometime in early Spring (why would shepherds be working in the winter??), and before Christianity became the huge thing back in the day, people celebrated not Christmas, but the Winter Solstice and the pagan Saturnalia, to appease the God of Agriculture, Saturn. By the Middle Ages, Christianity had, for the most part, replaced those pagan religions. On Christmas, believers would attend church, then would celebrate raucously in a drunken, carnival-like atmosphere similar to today's Mardi Gras. Each year, a beggar or student could be crowned the "lord of misrule" and eager townfolk played the part of his subjects. The poor would go to the houses of the rich and demand their best food and drink. If owners failed to comply, their visitors would likely terrorize them with mischief. Christmas became the time of year when the upper classes could repay their real or imagined "debt" to society by entertaining less fortunate schlubs. My guess? This is where we get the presents from.

As far as Santa is concerned, the Norse used to believe that Odin(man I love that guy- I wonder how many times I'll post about him on this blog?) made nocturnal flights through the night sky to observe his followers, then decide who would prosper, and who would perish ("He's making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice").

Ah leave it to an Atheist to spread the word of Paganism at this joyous time of year.

Whatever it is you celebrate, I do hope it's a good holiday with your friends and loved ones. Happy ChristmasKwanzaKuh.

A case of the randoms....

It's been a nice couple of days, my friends, since the boys left town.

Have been corresponding like mad with my new pal Tristan. He is so fabulously talented and I'm quite sure he's the most modest of tenors I've ever met. Did you see the video I posted? Yah. He's quite possibly the best smelling, most talented young man I've met in years. Plus he's easy on the eyes. We are chatting over coffee this week on how the two of us can get to work together within the next few months, which we're hoping won't be too terribly difficult.

After Saturday night's cabaret, Rob and I have been asked to be the entertainment for Quad City Opera's Vocal Valentine, their annual Valentine's Day soiree over at The Abbey Station downtown Rock Island. Ron May, my high school choir director, was so impressed with Rob and I, apparently he ran right to his good friend Angela (who runs Opera QC) and said he had to have us for that night. We of course said yes, as it pays nearly the monthly rent on our house! HELLO?!

In other news, I get a text from Chuck today that says "I applied for AT&T in Davenport", which made me promptly call his ass and say "WTF??". Yes, Chuck loved the QC so much, he's thinking of moving here. Chuck is in desperate need of change in his life, and he's got it in his head that this is the place he'd like to try. I'm game! Pack your shit up, honey, and come on down!

Things are happening, folks. It felt sort of stagnant for a few months. For me, at least. Now? Life is happening all around me. And I'm electric just thinking about it.

Week in Review

Braving the elements of the horrendous snow this weekend, my boys both made it in safe and sound. Kevin was the first to arrive Friday night, treating Rob and I to chinese food. We adjourned to the basement for brownies and conversation, then Chuck finally arrived from Nati late in the evening. It was the first time these two boys had met, after becoming friends via Myspace over 8 months ago. I was so thrilled to have both of them here, with me, in the same house!!

Saturday the boys came with us to hear my students perform in the academy recital (which was fabulous by the way), before heading back out into the blizzard the QC was fighting through. I was a bit nervous, considering the cabaret was scheduled for the evening.

The Cabaret? Flawless performances from my dear friends. We had a small crowd, probably due to the snowstorm, but still managed to make $100!!! Yahoo! I had a blast hearing my new friends perform, and after the show was finished, my high school choir director popped in and asked for an encore. It was so great to see him, and for him to hear me sing after 12 long years. Tristan also sang a little diddy, and Steph and Mags sang their duet again. Gang at the Cabaret

Here is a video of Tristan rocking Jamie. I didn't get the whole thing, but he still sounds like melted butter.


Kev took off Sunday morning, leaving Chuck, Rob and I to head out for mexican food late in the afternoon. Chuck experienced his first visit to Blaine's Farm and Fleet, which should always be experienced after a few margaritas. D popped by later for lasagna and wine, and we all called it a day at about 11pm. Chuck just left a while ago, and now it's back to the grind. What a great weekend!

The boys

My boys are here! YAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WOO!

Chemistry

There is something to be said about Chemistry.

So, I guess I'll do it.

Over a lifetime, we meet people that we could give a shit about. We also meet people who we have a connection to that we cannot explain. And there are many different types of connections. There is the connection that I have with Chuck. A deep understanding of who we are, with no pretense or question or judgement. Like the one I have with Lesley, who has known me since the 9th grade and will keep secrets until the day she dies. Or the one with my husband, who understands me better than any man I've ever known, and accepts the fact that I'm a crazy person with the line "I would hate it if you were boring and normal. You being crazy? That's a challenge. And I love a challenge".

Then there are people who come into our lives unannounced that you have a pull towards and can't fathom, either. Like many of my new Prenzie friends. Each one of them has that little something that pulls me to them. Like D. Maybe it's her infectious giggle and energy and excellent listening skills or her insane love for Supernatural just as I have. And Matt Moody, who's quick wit and beautiful prose makes you want to sit next to him at the party all night long.

But yesterday I met someone, and the second he walked in the door, there was this... energy. Have you ever felt that with someone? I'm sure you have. Yes, at first it was a physical pull. The guy is a hottie. But more than that, there was an understanding between two people who enjoy the same kind of art, whose personalities mirror each other. I love moments like that, when you find someone you can connect to on a level that is so much deeper than that "Small Talk" level I fucking despise. I find the older I get, the less patience I have for shit like that. And when you find someone you can TALK to about something that you are passionate for, it's hard not to feel this... pull to them.

My mother-in-law, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are all chemists. I am sure they could tell me some things about chemistry. About why we are pulled to each other in the most scientific way possible. For me, it's about so much more than that, as to how we are connected. Maybe it's just that crazy person in me.

Kevin

Well isn't this just an embarrassment of riches...

Not only is Chuck coming in to visit this weekend, so is Kevin, the other gay love of my life. I am so excited to see both of them and for them to meet! I haven't seen Kev since May of 2004. I know we've both changed so much, and this is going to be a real treat!

Week in Review

Last night, Rob and I hosted close to 25 people at our first Holiday Party in two years. We love to entertain, and this was the first time since living in Cincinnati that we were able to do so. We had such a blast!! While Rob spent most his time downstairs with much of the Augie faculty, I stayed upstairs with the Prenzies talking late into the night. By 1 A.M. everyone was gone, and the dogs were exhausted from all the excitement (not to mention us, too). Highlights of the evening? Hearing Jake's Michael McDonald and Elvis impressions, Andy's take on Mannheim Steamroller, and Peggy saying she would take a crack at 25 year old. It was a sweet evening with good friends and company. I didn't get to snap to many photos, as I didn't care so much about that. Rob did snap this one of me before the masses arrived.



Little Jamie Robertson made an appearance last night, too, the only kid in attendance. What a cutie! (That's Vicki, not his mom, holding him)



Next weekend is the big Holiday Cabaret. My singers are excited, if not a little nervous. We've been getting some really great press from many of the local theatre critics, so we're hoping for a great turnout. Chuck will be here soon, and I'm hoping Kev decides to make it down, too (Kevin, drag your gay ass down here, will ya??).


And in other news, the obsession continues....

No clever subject...

I am a compulsive blog checker. If you look to your right, there is a list of blogs I read, and each day, I check them. Most of the people on that list I don't get to see on a regular basis, and it makes me feel that I am a part of their lives, even if just through something like this.

Blogs are so interesting to me. Two years ago, I thought "what the hell is a blog?". When I stumbled upon an old high school chum's blog, I thought "Hm. This is kind of interesting", and proceeded to make one up for myself. Which is what you folks now get to read.

There are blogs by people who display their art, like my friend Blake at eKalb. People who write, not personally, but about things that interest them, like Odd Things I've Seen. But the blogs I enjoy most are by the people who express their inner-most thoughts and feelings. We all seem to live in a world that has become so commercial and conservative and mundane. People no longer speak to their children, or to each other, or about things that are important to them. What is it we fear? Vunerability? Why? I think it takes great strength to allow yourself to understand the things that make you who you are, and to share those with others. It's what connects us.

Nearly two years ago, during the production of Chess, I decided on a "no small-talk" mantra, that I've desperately tried to hang on to since. It is more evident now that Rob and I are finally in a settled place in our lives. We are meeting new people all the time, and going to parties and functions and whatnot. Everyone wants to 'know' about you, but not really. They want to know the surface things about you. Like what you do for a living. Where you're from. If you have, or plan to have, children. And that's about it. Why don't we ever ask each other about our passions? What drives us? If we do, we get the label of "flake", because we want to talk about things that matter rather than stupid shit that no one could care anything about.

I'm merely rambling. I read Thurm's blog this morning and was so calm in doing so. He writes like a normal person. He writes about his life, about things that hang him up, things that bring him joy. I love that. I can hear his voice when I read his blog. Same with Kev, my dearest friend from college. Especially Kev. Thurm was talking today about reading a new book by an author he enjoys. He said something that has stuck with me all morning. He was talking about going back and rereading the book later in his life and said "we're never the same person we were when we read it the first time". It made me think about us as people. How we're never the same person we were when "fill in the blank". Which brings me back to Kevin. I think about how we were in school. So young and crazy and vibrant. We were super friends, and despite all the changes we've been through in our lives, we're still as close as ever. We're "grown-ups" now. Golly, does it feel nice.

Did you have a nice childhood? Mine was okay. It was filled with confusing times and emotions, as my parents divorced when I was only 4. I realize a lot of the things that burden me come from that time of my life. I remember thinking, as a child, that I couldn't wait to be a grown-up. Were you like that, too? Or would you go back in an instant and be a child again? Rob would. However, Rob had a childhood filled with education and knowledge, and two parents who stayed together and loved each other and worked through their emotions together as a family. For me, I couldn't wait to be where I am right now. Maybe that was why I couldn't wait to be 30. Adulthood had arrived.

My dear friend Chuck is going to be here in a week. It will be a weekend of "no small-talk" for sure. It will be a weekend of sharing and friendship and love. Now, if we can just convince Kev to get his gay ass down here, too.....

Chuck

I just got word late last night...

The (gay) love of my life is coming to visit next weekend! Yahoo! Chuck will be here just in time for the holiday cabaret. Since he is a singer, maybe I can convince him to get up and do a number or two... Hmmm...


The Awesome shot of Chuck, courtesy of my 30 year old Pentax SLR. Hot!